Here's to Us(What If It's Us #2)(53)

But what if it makes me happy?

“Look, Mario doesn’t even know for sure that he’s going, okay? I’m not flying anywhere tomorrow—”

“I know you’re not, because your mother would be on the first flight out to drag you back.”

“Being treated like a kid really makes me want to stay, Pa.”

“That’s not what I mean to do. I want your life to be amazing, but you’re making a gigantic mistake. You still have school and—”

“Then I make a mistake,” I interrupt. It’s my life. “Pa, I’ve had no adventures like my friends have. Dylan and Samantha got to leave the city. Arthur is really happy with his boyfriend at Wesleyan. And I’m stuck here.”

“I’m sorry you feel so stuck here, but many people would love to be in your position.”

“I know.”

I’m tired of not being able to own my feelings because someone else has it worse. I know I’m lucky to have a roof over my head and parents who love me and food on the table. I know, I know, I know. I can also want more for myself.

“Benito, I don’t want you to make an impulsive decision that you’ll regret. You haven’t even brought this boy home to meet your family and you’re thinking about leaving the city with him.”

It’s like he thinks Mario is just some fuckboy. But Pa does have a point that Mario and I need to sort ourselves out before I even entertain more conversations about Los Angeles. But for the first time, it’s like my life doesn’t feel light-years away. There’s a map forming in my head with a circle drawn around Los Angeles. And I know the first move I have to make to get there.

“I’m going to head back out. Short-staffed,” I say.

“We’ll talk later,” Pa says, following me out onto the floor.

Once a customer leaves the medicine aisle, I pull out my phone and find a text from Mario.

Everything okay?

Yeah, I reply. Would you want to come over for dinner with my parents later this week?

I don’t know how I’m not sweating. I’m nervous and grateful that I didn’t ask him this in person or over FaceTime in case he responds negatively. Though enough is enough. Mario and I need to figure out what this is before I figure out my next moves.

He responds before I can put my phone back in my pocket.

I read it and smile.

I’m in!





Chapter Twenty


Arthur

Wednesday, June 10




Seeing Ben outside the rehearsal studio is like stepping through a wormhole. I don’t know how else to explain it. Maybe it’s just one of those ex-boyfriend things, but his face makes me forget what year it is.

“I’ve totally walked by this place a million times,” Ben says, giving me a quick hello hug. “Didn’t even put it together that you work here.” He’s dressed in way too many layers for June—a light gray sweater zipped over a blue polo shirt.

“You look very autumn collegiate,” I tell him.

He laughs. “Wait—what?”

“Like—I don’t know—like you’re dressed for the big homecoming game? It’s not a bad thing!”

It occurs to me suddenly that I’ve never seen Ben in the fall—not in person, at least. I’ve never stood with Ben in any season but summer, and the thought alone makes me lose my breath for a second.

“The homecoming game,” Ben says. “You’re so Georgia.”

But when he steps into the intersection, I follow him, even though the walk sign hasn’t switched yet, and if that isn’t pure New York instinct, I don’t know what is. It’s funny how easy it is to slip back into that city headspace—dodging taxis, anticipating light changes, walking three times as fast as I do at home. I’m right where I left off two summers ago, like some parallel version of me never stopped crossing this street.

“So Dylan’s being weird and distant,” I say.

“We don’t actually have to talk about that.”

“But I want to.” He scoffs a little, but I wave it away. “I’m your friend! I care about you.”

Ben just looks at me, and I can’t quite read his expression. But then he smiles faintly and says, “Okay, but I don’t even really know where to begin.”

“Just start at the beginning. You said it’s kind of subtle, right?”

“Not to me, but yeah.” We turn onto St. Marks Place, and Ben fidgets with the sleeve of his sweater. “Like, he’s still Dylan, and it’s still the Dylan show. But underneath that, he’s always been real with me, and that’s not happening now. I feel like he’s been shutting me out for weeks.” He shrugs, gesturing to a nearby plaza. “Anyway. Did you know there used to be a rhino sculpture here?”

“Rhino like rhino?” I point my finger out from my forehead.

“Okay, that’s a unicorn.” Ben tugs my finger-horn down a few inches, until my hand’s resting on my nose. “Rhino. It was like a PSA about them dying.”

“Sounds fun to look at,” I say, trying to ignore my drumrolling heartbeat.

He laughs. “They weren’t dead in the sculpture.”

We pass Cooper Union and a bunch of restaurants and tattoo parlors, and I can’t stop mixing up my past and present tenses. I’m sixteen years old, carrying a bag full of condoms, and every square foot of this sidewalk feels like holy ground. I’m walking past buildings I’ve never seen before with a boy who knows them by heart.