Heart of My Monster (Monster Trilogy, #3)(28)

“I would, but I’d rather not see you get shot, Princess.”

“At least one of you is smart.” I throw up a dismissive hand. “Get her out of my sight before I lose the little benevolence I have left.”

“It’s your fault Sasha died,” she says calmly, her struggle gone. “She had no enemies, but you do. Hell, you collect them like badges of honor, not giving a shit how that could influence the people on your side. I already said that you weren’t worthy of her and that you should have let her go, but of course, you didn’t do that, and look how that turned out.”

I stand up fast, but Kyle’s reflexes are faster. He all but drags her out of the dining room. “We’re leaving.”

My hand balls into a fist at my side. If I’d touched her, I would’ve snapped her fucking neck. No doubt about it.

Kyle was quick enough to save her from my clutches. Even if temporarily.

I stand there for a second, two…

In one movement, I grab the edges of the table and send everything on top crashing down.

Dishes, glasses, and leftover food splinter and leave stains on the floor, but it does nothing to calm the raging fire inside.

Maybe I should be the one who poisons Rai to shut off her fucking annoying voice forever.

It's your fault Sasha died.

Those words repeat over and over again, clashing with the ticking sound of the old clock.

Tick.

I’m why she died.

Tock.

If she didn’t know me, she’d be alive.

Tick.

If I’d chosen her, she wouldn’t have been killed.

Tock…

My head seems to short-circuit. Either that, or I’m losing my fucking mind. My body can’t keep up with my spiraling thoughts, and rage shakes through me.

The red type.

The type that needs to spill blood and would still be dissatisfied with it.

I roll the ring on my finger back and forth in a mad rhythm as I storm out of the dining room. I’m glad Viktor isn’t here to nag me like my nonexistent mother. Or that Karina isn’t waiting for me with a knife—she picked up that habit again after the last time she also accused me of being emotionless.

Cold.

Apathetic.

If I were as indifferent as she and Rai claim I am, would I be able to feel choked, no matter how much air I breathe?

Would I need alcohol and her fucking grave to have some semblance of vague rest?

Would I feel her with me? Even now? Walking by my fucking side silently, sadly maybe?

Maybe her ghost is haunting me because I failed to protect her. Though there’s no particular haunting. Just a shake of the head here and a fucking hug there as if she’s putting my pieces back together again so I can survive one more day.

I wish I were as unfeeling as Karina and Rai think. While I generally am, that’s not the case when it comes to Sasha.

Living without her is similar to falling back into that weak, aimless, and absolutely pathetic version of myself.

No. I had a purpose then.

Now, I have fucking nothing.

I snatch a bottle of vodka on my way out. While I don’t like the stuff, Sasha did.

It was her favorite drink on the rare occasion she consumed alcohol. She was a stereotypical Russian who loved her vodka.

Now, it’s my poison of choice.

All the cars that crowded my driveway are now gone, letting my guards breathe a little. I don’t want to seem biased—though I am—but I have the best men.

Adrian and some of his men served time there, too, but there were only a few of them. I was the only one with enough power to take all of my men with me when I left this house. I lost many of them, but the ones who remain are the most disciplined, loyal men any leader could have.

Despite their general depression at losing Sasha, Maksim, and Yuri all at the same time, they’ve been giving one thousand percent under Viktor’s command.

They might be the only reason I’m still hanging on here and not buried six feet under with Sasha. She considered them friends, and I’ll never forgive myself if I let anything happen to them.

If she learned about Maksim, she’d hate me forever.

And Yuri…I don’t know what the fuck happened to him. It’s like the earth split open and swallowed him without leaving a trace.

I thought maybe he went after Maksim, but it’s not his style to disappear without informing me.

He could’ve defected or…I don’t know.

I don’t fucking care at this point.

“Boss!” Viktor comes running in my direction as I head to the car.

I ignore him and open the door. “Not now. I’m done for the day.”

“This is an emergency.”

“I still have no fucks to give.”

He rips my hand from the handle and slams the door shut.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”

“You need to see this.”

“I swear to fuck—” I halt in my tracks when a very familiar face walks toward us, wearing cargo pants and a disheveled T-shirt. “Maksim.”

He offers a strained smile. “Long time no see, Boss.”

I approach him slowly, as if I’m witnessing another ghost other than Sasha’s persistent one. Short of some healing bruises on his face, he looks exactly like the Maksim I know.