Heart of My Monster (Monster Trilogy, #3)(27)

However, this is the throne I’ve worked hard to sit on. I might have lost Sasha, but she was by my side for years to help me get here.

More accurately, all she wanted was to help me. She didn’t care whether I got here or anywhere else as long as she protected and supported me.

I’m the one who vied for this position and hurt her for it with that engagement. I didn’t get the chance to celebrate our marriage properly before she was snatched away.

She’s been gone from my life for fifty-three days, and I still can’t go into my old room.

Avoiding my old room is pointless since I see her in every corner of my house, the garden, and even out in the streets.

She’s fucking everywhere.

It’s impossible to purge her out of my system or find closure.

In fact, I refuse to.

“What do you think, Pakhan?” Vladimir asks from my right, bringing my attention back to the meeting.

It’s one of those weekly ones where everyone in the organization bores me with their nonsense before we vote, and then they go on their way.

After I lost my shit and offended the leader of the Russian mafia in Boston by stepping on his toes with the Albanian issue, things were unsettled here.

Igor was highly displeased with my misconduct, but because his daughter is in my family, he reined it in. Rai asked for a re-election of the Pakhan and was a fucking bitch about it. In fact, she’s been an absolute eyesore ever since she learned about Sasha’s death.

If I die of poisoning, Rai did it.

Vladimir told me that he dislikes me, but I’m the Pakhan now, so I better act like it and keep the organization together.

Adrian threatened to withdraw his support and hang me out to dry if I put everything he’d built in jeopardy.

Mikhail and Damien are the only fans I have. Mikhail—because I gave him back some of the power he’s been losing. Damien—because I’ve been fueling his sadism.

In fact, he goes as far as voting for anything I dish out as long as I keep him ‘busy.’

After Viktor threatened me with his own life—which isn’t something he’s done before—I had to force myself into my current role.

The role I might have unknowingly chosen over Sasha.

It means nothing without her, but if I give it up, all I have left is death.

So I patched things back up with Juan’s cartel and got us a better deal. On the bright side, some organizations asked to be allies after they witnessed how I annihilated the Albanians.

Therefore, Rai can bark but will never be able to bite.

Despite all the shit I stirred up, I’m still the best option the brotherhood has in order to survive.

“I think,” I say in reply to Vladimir’s question. “We should wait it out, take no action against the Irish and see how they’ll react. If they choose violence…”

“I’ll butcher them in their sleep,” Damien finishes for me, rubbing his hands together.

“That.” I jut my chin toward him, and he grins like an evil maniac.

“Can’t we start the war first and see how it goes from there?”

“No,” I say point-blank.

“Come on! Why does no one take my suggestions seriously?”

“Because there’s little to no thought put behind them,” Igor replies, then focuses on me. “I agree with that plan, but we should also try to insert spies.”

“Already done,” I say. “Adrian has his own network within.”

The man in question nods. “We started that about a week ago. If there’s anything suspicious, I’ll report back to the Pakhan.”

“Always one step ahead, eh?” Mikhail smirks.

“I wouldn’t settle for anything else,” I say and then wrap up the meeting.

Most days, I’m too numb to feel anything, but on other days, the cloud is too close. The gloominess suffocates my breathing, my being, and everything I’ve ever strived for.

Some days, I’m hit with the fact that I won’t see her shadowing me and competing with Viktor over who can protect me better.

And then there are the days where I wonder why I’m still breathing when she isn’t.

This is one of those days.

I need all these fucking people out of my face so that I can get drunk at her grave like I do every day. The few hours I sleep against the tree opposite her tombstone is the only sleep I ever get, and even that is riddled with nightmares of her corpse.

Nightmares of her crying, cursing, and hitting me because I chose to be engaged to Kristina—who’s now actually pregnant.

Rai lingers behind, her eyes practically shooting lasers in my direction. Her husband stands beside her, mainly to stop her from getting herself shot. She has a loud mouth that needs to be reined in.

I lean my chin against my fist and conjure a nonchalance I don’t feel. “Is there a reason behind your tedious presence?”

“Just so you know, I’ll never forgive you.”

“Very bold of you to assume I have any fucks to give about your views.”

“How can you be this detached about her death, you fucking asshole!” She lunges at me, probably to punch or slap me, but Kyle holds her by the waist and flings her back.

“Let me go!” She struggles against him. “Someone needs to knock some sense into his thick head!”