Grounded (Up in the Air, #3)(34)

He gasped as though he’d been holding his breath, hugging me back. Those were his only reactions. His face and posture didn’t change other than that. I knew it was a bad sign.

I turned my face just enough to glare at Javier. “You need to give him some space. Now.”

Javier pointed at me, growing visibly more furious. “This is the problem with you two. How the f*ck is anyone supposed to get close to either of you, to have any kind of a relationship with you, when you only care about each other, only trust each other?!”

Javier had a rare but memorable temper. He was a clear-headed, sweet guy ninety-nine percent of the time. He was sweet, gentle, and amiable, if a touch cool for my taste. But that other one percent was an emotional typhoon. I knew from their past breakup that when he got like this he said awful things, threw out ultimatums, and burned bridges. I got it. I understood that dysfunction all too well, but it had wounded Stephan once again, and I had a real serious problem with that.

I pointed right back at him. “I said, give him space.”

His upper lip quivered. He gripped both hands into his hair as though he wanted to pull it all out. I couldn’t tell if it was anger or pain that moved him, but I frankly didn’t care at that moment. Priority one was Stephan, always.

“He doesn’t need space! He needs to talk to me, instead of running to you every time he’s upset!”

I started to move towards Javier, to do what, I wasn’t quite sure. Push him from the room? Get in his face? I honestly couldn’t say, but it didn’t matter. Stephan stopped me, clutching me close.

“Leave her out of it, Javier,” Stephan said, his voice toneless and quiet. I hated that tone, because I knew it hid a deep pain.

“No, you leave her out of it—“ Javier shouted back.

“Go, Javier. I have nothing to say to you right now, and I’ve heard what you have to say. Now leave us alone,” Stephan said, still in that alarmingly dead tone.

Javier visibly deflated. He turned and walked away.

Distractedly, I noted that James followed him out, closing the door softly behind them.

Stephan pulled me to a low couch, hugging me to him. I clutched him just as tightly as he did me. If he needed comfort, I needed just as badly to give it to him. He was hurting, and I hurt with him. We had never been able to maintain any level of detachment from each other’s suffering, and we didn’t now.

I stroked my hands through his soft wavy hair over and over, not speaking, just comforting and waiting. If he needed to tell me, he would tell me. I wouldn’t pry.

We hugged like that for a long time, my face buried in his neck, his in my hair, before he spoke in a whisper into my ear. “I told him that I loved him yesterday,” he said finally.

I tried not to tense, tried to stay comforting, relaxing, waiting for him to go on, but I didn’t imagine he’d have good news after that. The I love you obviously hadn’t been met with a positive response.

“He told me that he needed more time to know his feelings, that I was moving too fast. He said he wasn’t sure he could trust me yet, with our history and all. I tried not to be hurt by that, even though it felt like a rejection.”

He didn’t speak for a while. I stroked his hair, rubbed his back.

“I shook it off pretty good, I thought. I could give him time. We have time, yanno? Maybe I was rushing. But then we went out tonight. To Melvin’s bar. Not my idea, but I didn’t figure there’d be a problem. And there wasn’t. At least not on Melvin’s end. Melvin was completely civil, friendly even. Javier took exception to the friendly. He asked me if I’d gone out with Melvin. I said yeah, briefly. He went into a jealous tantrum. I went to the bathroom. When I came back out, I found Javier pinned to the wall, being kissed by Vance. He wasn’t exactly putting up a fight. I left. Javier followed me here.”

“He was mad at me. He had the nerve to turn it around on me, said I was overreacting. I hate this. I just can’t take this kind of stuff, the jealousy and the disloyalty. I’d rather be alone than deal with all of that.”

“I can’t make him love me,” he continued, an awful quaver in his voice. My tear ducts responded accordingly, producing a dreaded tear like a button had been pushed. “I’ve been down that road. Before I met you, that was all I knew. I did everything I could think of to make my family love me, but in the end, they said that I was toxic, and un-savable, and they thought that I was scum. I won’t do that again, won’t be that pathetic kid who can’t make someone love them, not even for Javier.”

“Oh, Stephan,” I whispered, crying like a baby now, because he was crying, and because there was no distance between his pain and my heart. “You are the most beautiful person I’ve ever met. There is nothing ugly inside of you, nothing bad. If he can’t love you, if he doesn’t already, it can only be because he’s not worthy of your love. You don’t need to try to make anyone love you ever again. You’re the most lovable person I know.”

“I’m not, Bee. My own family threw me away. There has to be something wrong with me. They didn’t throw the other kids away. It was only me, and I tried my hardest—“ he was crying too hard to finish. I was right there with him. We held each other and cried like babies. The tears seemed to be flowing more freely these days. The stoic, hard-eyed street kids we’d once been would have been ashamed.