God Bless This Mess(62)
It wasn’t like we had a lot of time to get it right. After the initial get-to-know-you rehearsals were over, once the live shows started, as the show progressed, we would have to learn two new dances every four days.
By mid-September, I was finally starting to get my footing when someone from The Bachelor called and asked me to film some scenes with Peter at the beginning of his season. They asked me if I would consider giving back the pilot’s wings he had given to me when we first met, so he could give them to the girl he would now choose to be his “copilot.” A girl that wouldn’t be me.
It was the very last thing I wanted to do. Emotionally, I was still a mess. After everything that had happened with Tyler, I didn’t want anything more to do with that show. But I had no choice. I was still under contract. I couldn’t say no.
At the same time, I still had some lingering feelings for Peter. After what happened with Tyler, I couldn’t help but think I’d messed this all up. Jed didn’t care for me. Tyler didn’t really care for me. Peter seemed to be the only guy from the show whose feelings for me were real. And now he was the Bachelor. I didn’t want to chase him. I didn’t want to go backward. I just wanted to get over it and move on. But because of this new ask from the show, I couldn’t help but face my feelings head-on.
I got all dressed up, and they put me into a limousine on his first night, as if I was one of the new girls there vying for his attention. Peter had no idea I was coming. I looked at that mansion, and the sparkling wet pavement, and the crew, and Chris Harrison, and Peter standing there in the spotlight—and I freaked out. I literally had a panic attack. I don’t want to make light of this. I’m pretty sure what I felt was some sort of PTSD. I wouldn’t get out of the car. I couldn’t do it. This was my heart that was at stake. Peter’s heart, too. I sat in the car for well over an hour. I was a mess.
Finally, I stepped out of the car—and Peter was shocked. At first he thought I was there to be a contestant, and he was actually excited about that. But then I handed him back his pilot’s wings, and I encouraged him on his journey, and I left.
I went back home, and ate takeout alone on my couch.
I wished it was the end of it, but rumor had it that they were already talking about bringing me back to the show again. So it stayed there in the back of my mind, the whole time I was in rehearsals and getting ready for the next week’s performance on DWTS.
Monday, September 23, was one of my best days ever. Two of my best friends, whom I’d lived with in college, flew into LA to help me celebrate my birthday the next day. And Taylor Swift reposted my performance on the show of a Viennese waltz to her song “Lover.” Taylor Swift knew who I was!
But this is why we can’t have nice things.
On my birthday, September 24, The Bachelor called me back to film some more, this time as the “host” of one of Peter’s group dates.
When I arrived on set, I learned that the theme of the date was telling old sex stories. As the host, I was expected to talk about how empowering it was to own my sexuality, and to encourage the girls to do the same by sharing intimate stories with a live audience at this theater in LA. I mean, outside of TV, I would never. I’m not an actress. I didn’t want to play this version of me, and I got really upset about it. I felt so embarrassed. I got the impression the girls didn’t want me there. I didn’t want to be there. I’m pretty sure Peter felt awkward, too.
“Can I go now?” I said, and I walked off the set to go cry.
Peter followed. He wanted to see if I was okay. I wasn’t.
We decided we needed to talk, and we didn’t want to do this in front of the other women and the bright lights and the whole crew, so we walked away. A couple of cameras followed us.
While they showed some of our discussion on TV, a lot of it wasn’t aired. And a lot of it made my heart hurt all over again.
The biggest thing, the one that took my breath away, is that Peter offered to quit the show if I’d take him back. “If you can say without a doubt that you want to be with me, I’ll quit the show,” he said.
I couldn’t say that. I didn’t know if I truly wanted to be with him. I didn’t want to make a decision that would effect his life so deeply in that moment.
“You can’t quit, Peter. They’ve already started shooting.”
“I don’t care,” he told me.
Looking in his eyes, seeing that passion and fight he had for me, I wanted to kiss him. But I couldn’t kiss him. The cameras were there. What a mess that would’ve been! And what would that kiss have meant? Would I have kissed him and then disappeared while he went about dating all those other women who’d just arrived? Would they put me back on the show? I couldn’t drop out of DWTS. I didn’t want to. If he left The Bachelor to date me for real, I wouldn’t even have time to spend with him. When my parents and my little brother came out to see me on DWTS, I barely had time to see them.
None of this made any sense, and I wasn’t ready to make another big decision. I had to trust my heart there. I had to put an end to it.
“No,” I said. “Look, if this doesn’t work out for you, I’ll still be here. There’s no way I’m going to be dating anybody.”
I went back to my apartment, ate pizza on the floor with my friends who had flown all the way from Alabama to see me, and cried all over again.