God Bless This Mess(60)

Ending the season that way gave everyone, myself included, new hope for a happy ending.

Tyler and I got in touch right after the show. We couldn’t really go “out” anywhere, ’cause it would have created a paparazzi frenzy. The ratings that season were high, and there were a lot of people watching our every move, trying to get the scoop on what might happen between us. All I wanted was for things to be low-key. Private. So I invited Tyler to come to my place. I had just moved to an apartment in the Valley. I didn’t have any furniture except for a bed, a couch, and a TV. But I figured the two of us could hide away from any prying eyes there.

Setting aside the fact that I’d sent him home, we tried to pick up right where we left off. It was a little awkward at first. Our chemistry was still strong, but we didn’t sit real close together. We didn’t kiss. We just ordered some food and talked and laughed for hours on my couch. It felt so good to talk openly with someone who was there, someone who’d been through the show with me. And I was so honest with him about how I felt, how my parents loved him, why his family felt so right for me, and how my insecurity led me to make the choices I did. He opened up with me about how much it hurt him, and how strong his feelings for me really were. Neither of us had anybody else we could talk to about any of this, so it just felt good to get it out. But there was a line there we didn’t cross—until we cracked open a second bottle of wine. We decided to go up on the roof for some air. Tyler put a playlist on his phone.

“I missed you,” I said.

“I missed you, too.”

We hugged each other, and his body felt warm in the cool LA breeze. I could feel his muscles under his shirt.

“I’ve hung out with some other girls since we were together on the show,” he said. “But I never felt anything like I feel when you and me hug.”

We finally gave in.

He kissed me, and I kissed him back, and it felt like a release of all these months of buildup and tension between us. And it was real now, because nobody was there but us. Truly nobody. We didn’t have to think about what this would look like, or what we might want to say about it on camera the next morning, or how it was going to play out on TV, or what the other “suitors” might think about what we were doing.

Tyler told me he wasn’t seeing anybody. He knew I wasn’t seeing anybody. We talked about our families, and he told me how much his mother loved me. She was so disappointed when I didn’t give him the final rose, he said. She even gave me her number over Instagram so I could text her, I told him.

“I bet our mothers would love each other,” I added.

He agreed: “We should go spend some time at my place in Florida, and bring your family along so we can all hang out.”

“Oh, my gosh. That would be amazing!”

Finally, we were making plans.

Because there was so much interest in the both of us, airlines were sending us offers for free flights and free vacations.

“Should we go?” we wondered. “Should we take one of these offers?”

We talked about taking a trip together. Just the two of us.

Tyler stayed the night. We were pretty hot and heavy there for a while, and a part of me was ready to open myself up to him completely. But then he stopped.

He stopped.

“I don’t want to do this right now,” he said. “I care about you.”

He said he wanted to take things slow, and that meant so much to me. Even after everything we’d been through, he stopped and respected me, which made me fall for him all the more. We slept together in my bed, and I mean that all we did was sleep.

The next morning, we ordered some coffee and breakfast from the market down the street. He walked in to pick it up, and I waited around the corner, just so no one in the place would think we were walking in as a couple. We went back to my apartment, and it seemed like nobody noticed us.

Tyler had to catch a flight to New York City that day. He had some clothes with him, but he didn’t even have a proper suitcase. So he borrowed one of mine.

We kissed goodbye, and when I walked him out to his car, the paparazzi were waiting outside my apartment building. I don’t know who tipped them off, but as soon as we opened the door, they got pictures. We just knew it would cause all kinds of gossip, but what could we do? We just laughed it off, and I ducked back inside.

That was August 2.

He texted goodbye to me before his flight took off, and he texted me right after he landed. We texted all day the next day, and talked more about our plans to take a vacation together—just the two of us—to get away from everything and just be alone. It all filled me up with so much hope. Maybe going on TV had led me to the man I was supposed to be with after all.

I know I was jumping the gun a little bit, but Tyler and I connected. We’d gone through this crazy experience together and come out of it still wanting each other. I had guarded my heart so much with him on the show, and now I was thinking that maybe I should have let those walls come down sooner.

I wasn’t delusional. After everything we’d been through, we needed to take it slow. Everything went so fast and it was so messed up, I was ready to take it slow. I needed to take it slow. The idea that we might have a second chance at this felt good, and I didn’t want to mess it up.

Then, on August 4, he called me. We talked for a little while, and he told me, “It’s so great that we’re talking again, but I just want to make sure we’re on the same page that we can see other people.”