Girl, Stop Apologizing: A Shame-Free Plan for Embracing and Achieving Your Goals(3)

You learned about expectation.

There you were, being your adorable baby self, and suddenly that didn’t cut it anymore. You were expected to do things: stop throwing your sippy cup on the floor, stop screaming when you don’t get your way, start using the restroom like an actual person, stop biting your brother just because you feel like it. Two really critical things happened during the period when we switched from being totally accepted as is to having to live up to some expectation.

The first is that we learned to live within societal norms. This is a good thing because, sister, if you were still using a diaper at thirty-two because nobody helped you figure out a toilet, that would not be cute.

The second thing that happened is that we learned how to get attention, and to a child attention equals love. In fact, if you never learn any better, you’ll go through your entire life believing that to have someone’s notice means you are loved. See: social media as a whole.

Listen up, because I’m about to tell you something that may help you understand literally every person you know and possibly yourself as well. When you were a newborn you needed constant care and notice to stay alive, but at some point you stopped getting that undivided attention because you didn’t need it anymore. But you still liked other people’s regard (you were a baby after all), and so your clever mind started to test out ways to get notice on demand. Some toddlers get attention by being affectionate, so they learn to be dependent upon it. Some toddlers get attention by doing something that makes their parents laugh, so they learn to entertain. Some toddlers learn to get attention by doing something good that everybody praises; they become an achiever. Some toddlers notice that when they fall down and hurt themselves or when they’re sick, Mommy gives them extra time and care; a hypochondriac is born. Some toddlers can’t get any attention no matter what they do, so they kick and scream and throw a fit. Being angry is better than being ignored. These toddler tendencies can turn into childhood habits. Childhood habits that go unaltered turn into our unconscious ways of being.

I know it sounds like one big sweeping generalization, but seriously, ask yourself if this sounds like any adults you know. Do you have anyone in your life who always has problems? No matter what day of the week it is, the sky is always falling? That’s because their problems give them the attention they crave from others. Do you know anyone in your life who’s an overachiever? A workaholic? Always pushing themselves? That’s likely because they—like me—got attention through achievement as a child, and the habit is hard to break. Do you know any women who seem utterly helpless? They constantly need someone else to help them, fix the problem, or counsel them through every decision? I’d bet my bottom dollar it’s because they were raised in a home that fed them those lies or controlled every decision for so long that they have no confidence in their own capabilities.

My point is, we learn at a very early age that there are things we can do to hold on to attention, and even if the specifics of how we do it morph and change over time, the overarching way we’re taught to gain notice as a child—from being entertaining to being an achiever, chronically sick, overly angry, or always in crisis—often remains the same and affects the way we seek attention as adults.

For me, it was always through achievement that I was able to receive notice from my parents. What this taught me at a very early age was that in order to be loved I needed to do things to earn it. Did my parents love me? Absolutely. But to a child for whom notice is the outpouring of love, the absence of any leads to a desperation to learn what she can do to receive it.

So, let’s recap. You’re a child and you learn that certain behaviors will get you notice. This begins to implant itself into who you’re growing to become. But that’s not the only hurtful thing you’re learning. It’s around the same age when you not only learn how to get love, but you’re told who you’ll have to be in order to keep receiving it.

Have you ever considered how much of your current life is truly made up of your choices and which areas are really just the things that were expected of you?

I was raised knowing that I would get married and have children . . . and quickly. In my small hometown, most of the girls I went to high school with had their first child by the time they were nineteen. When I had my first son at twenty-four I was practically ancient.

Twenty. Four.

What in the actual world? In retrospect that seems incredibly young to me. The idea of one of my kids having a baby by twenty-four makes me start to hyperventilate. There’s so much life to live, so many things to see, so much you don’t know about yourself yet at that age. I can’t say that I’d change anything about when I got married or when I had babies, because that would mean I wouldn’t have the children I have now. But the older I get the more I become aware that I was raised thinking that my real value was based on the role I would play for other people. After all, being deemed a good wife or a good mother or daughter is rarely based on how true you are to yourself.

Nobody is standing around after church on Sunday saying, “There goes Becca. You know she’s devoted to self-care. What a good mama.” Or, “Oh, look! Tiffany is training for her next half marathon. Look at all those hours she’s putting into getting strong. What a good wife!” If those conversations are happening, it’s nowhere near where I grew up. No, where I was raised women are taught that to be a good woman you need to be good for other people. If your kids are happy, then you’re a good mom. If your husband is happy, you’re a good wife. How about a good daughter, employee, sister, friend? All of your value is essentially wrapped up in other people’s happiness. How can anyone successfully navigate that for a lifetime? How can anyone dream of more? How can anyone follow their what if, if they need someone else to approve of it first?