Girl Online(75)

“I used Sadie Lee’s special recipe,” he says with a grin.

I feel another blaze of pain as I think of how much I’d liked Sadie Lee. But she’s just another person who betrayed me.

After Dad’s gone back downstairs—having made me promise to yell for him the second I need anything—I put the pancakes down and stare into space. I feel so numb and so exhausted. All I want to do is stay in bed until this all blows over. If it ever does blow over.

Every time the email notification goes off on my phone I feel a stab of fear. In the end I turn my phone off and put it and my laptop in the bottom of my wardrobe, buried beneath a mound of clothes. For a while, this makes me feel safe, like no one can get to me anymore. But then I start picturing a mountain of abusive messages piling up inside my wardrobe, just waiting to engulf me as soon as I open the door.

And once again panic starts to take hold of me. But this time I remember what to do. This time I close my eyes and picture it inside my body: a large black ball of fear inside my rib cage. It’s OK, I tell it—and myself. It’s OK. And instead of panicking and trying to block it from my mind, I make myself picture it, right there inside of me. All black and dense and scary. I take a deep breath in through my nose. And another. “It’s OK,” I whisper out loud. And the fear starts to shrink a little. And as it does, I realize that it really is OK; it’s not going to kill me. And then another thought pops into my head—what’s happening to me won’t kill me either. Yes, it’s terrifying and yes, it’s hugely painful, but it’s not going to kill me. It’s OK. I take another breath. The fear shrinks again. Now it’s about the size of a tennis ball. And it’s slowly fading, from black to grey, to white, and now gold. I take another breath. Outside a seagull squawks. I think of the sea and I actually manage a weak smile. It’s OK. I can control this. I picture myself sitting on the beach, my entire body filling with golden sunlight. It’s OK.

I sit like this for at least an hour, with my eyes closed, focusing on my breathing and listening to the seagulls. Then there’s a knock on my door.

“Pen, can I come in?” Tom says.

I open my eyes and sit up straight. “Sure.”

As soon as he walks into the room, I know he knows. I’ve never seen him look so worried.

“I’ve just been online,” he says, sitting on the end of my bed. “Is it true? Did you and Noah Flynn . . . ?”

I look down at my lap.

“Is he the Noah Mum and Dad have been going on about? The one you were staying with?”

I nod, then I look up at Tom. “But I didn’t know who he was, honestly. I’d never heard of him before. Had you?”

Tom nods. “Yeah. I’d heard on a music site that he’d been signed to the same label as Leah Brown and that they were an item. Didn’t he tell you?”

I shake my head. “No! I’d never get involved with someone who had a girlfriend.”

Tom frowns. “So he lied to you?”

I nod. “How did you find out?”

“It’s all over Facebook. And Twitter. And Tumblr. And—”

“OK, OK.”

“Have you seen what people are saying?”

I nod again and hot tears start burning my eyes. “I don’t know what to do, Tom. I’m so scared.”

Tom takes hold of my hand. “It’s all right, sis. We’re gonna sort this. How did that website find out?”

“I don’t know. Someone must have told them.”

“But who?”

I shrug. There’s no way I can tell Tom I think it was Elliot—not until I’m absolutely sure.

“OK, well that doesn’t matter for now. What matters is getting your side of the story out there.”

Instantly, I start to panic. “Oh no. I can’t. I can’t go online again. No way.”

Tom looks me straight in the eye. “Do you remember when I started secondary school and that kid Jonathan Price started picking on me and starting rumors about me?”

“The one who used to take your lunch?”

“Yeah. And do you remember how I’d pretend to be sick and beg Mum and Dad not to make me go in?”

“Yes.”

“And then one day you said to me”—Tom puts on a squeaky high-pitched voice—“But if you don’t ever go back to school, no one will realize that he’s lying.”

“Did I say that?”

Tom nods.

“But I didn’t sound like a Smurf.”

Tom smiles. “Oh, yes you did. But you were right. And it was the one thing, out of everything that everyone said to me back then, that I actually listened to. It was the one thing that made me go back to school.”

I stare at him. “Really?”

“Yes. Because you were right. If I hadn’t gone back and kept hiding away in my bedroom, everyone would have believed him.” He grins. “And they’d never have got to know what a truly incredible, gifted, and wonderful person I am.”

I smile. “Not to mention modest.”

“Yeah, that too. But it’s the same for you now. If you hide away and let them say all that crap about you, then they’ll never get the chance to see what an amazing person you are.”

My eyes fill with tears. “Tom!”