Gentleman Sinner(97)
‘You’re not ready.’ I’m speaking the truth, and he knows it. If he dares—
‘You always say you’re not scared of me.’ A hand rakes through his hair. ‘Prove it.’ He’s getting himself in a state, putting himself under unnecessary pressure. ‘Let me show you I can do it.’
I don’t know if it’s the stress of today, or just the stress of this moment, but I fly off the handle. ‘I’m not scared of you!’ I shout, and he retreats, shocked. ‘You could hit me, Theo. Smack me or punch me full force in the face. And I’ll get over it. I’ll heal and forgive. Because I know it’s not your fault.’ I hit my forehead with my balled fist, so fucking frustrated. He’s quiet, shocked into silence by my outburst. I’ve never seen him looking so utterly hopeless. I breathe in some calm and swallow. ‘But you will never forgive yourself if you turn on me. Please, don’t put yourself in that situation when you don’t have to. It’ll come in time.’
He looks away, ashamed, and I hate myself for making him feel like that. ‘I don’t want you to give up on me.’
I press my lips together, feeling a bulge of emotion creeping up my throat. ‘I’ll never give up on you.’ I walk forward on my knees and hold my hands out to him. He takes them, looking at me through glassy eyes. ‘I love you,’ I whisper, encouraging him to instigate the positioning of me on his lap. And he sighs when I wrap my arms around his shoulders. ‘I can do this,’ I mumble into his neck, squeezing him to reinforce my point. ‘I can hold you.’ Then I kiss his neck – once, twice, three times. ‘And this. It’s enough for me.’ I’m not lying. I’m talking sincerely and whole-heartedly. I hope that one day we can have more, but my decision to be with him isn’t riding on it. I love him too much.
‘It doesn’t seem fair.’ He cups my cheek, his eyes running over my dark waves. ‘I get to have free rein over you, and you don’t me.’
I smile sadly. ‘I will one day, but until then, don’t ever lose your hyperawareness of me.’
‘There’s no way.’ He kisses me and falls back to the bed, holding me tightly in his arms – the place I love the most.
‘We’ll fix this,’ I vow. ‘One day.’
‘And I’ll love you every day.’ He kisses the top of my head and pulls me into him. ‘Protect you, worship you, treat you like a queen and—’
‘Fuck me like a whore.’ I smile into his chest. ‘I don’t want to rain on your parade, but it’s kinda lost its impact.’
He chuckles softly, nudging me. ‘I never said it for impact. I said it because I meant it.’
‘Good.’ I raise my finger in the air and wait for him to claim it and place it on his chest. Then I start tracing the lines of the script on his pec, slowly, peacefully . . . and happily. We lie in silence for an age, my thoughts no longer twisting my brain, but more untangling it. I’m thinking realistically and sensibly. It’s the only way to approach this. To approach Theo. His vulnerability is a comfort, but it’s also a burden. A heavy one that I’m willing to shoulder, because he loves me so deeply. He wants to be better for me. Any man who wants to change so desperately is worth the devotion. Theo is worth every bit of my devotion and more. ‘You could try something for me,’ I say tentatively, biting my lip nervously.
‘Anything.’
I have a feeling he might regret that. I look up at him, nervous. ‘Therapy.’
Though his face remains straight, I feel his body stiffen beneath me. ‘Okay,’ he says on a mere wisp of breath, surprising me. ‘As long as you come with me.’
‘You want me to come?’
He nods, and my mind spirals. If I go with him, that means I’ll hear everything he tells the therapist. ‘Yes,’ he says quietly, clearly reading my mind. I should be happy. I should be grateful. But I’m not. Because I sense Theo expects the same openness from me in return. I lay my head on his chest, escaping his gaze, and let myself wonder if I could do that. Tell him everything. The throb of my heart gives me my answer. No. Never. Quiet falls again, and I stare at the wall, hypnotized by the feel of his hand stroking circles across my back. But then Theo’s mobile sounds, piercing our peace, and he groans. ‘I should get that. I told Callum I’d join him in the Playground half an hour ago.’ He lifts, bringing me with him. ‘I’ll be an hour, tops.’ He manipulates my body on the bed and starts to tuck me in all tight and cosy before dropping a kiss on my forehead. ‘Go to sleep.’
I snuggle down, happy to lie here and snooze while he’s gone. ‘Promise me you won’t get on the couch if I’m asleep when you get back,’ I mumble tiredly.
‘I promise.’ He gets up and quickly dresses.
‘But promises are only words that evaporate in the air the moment they’re spoken,’ I quip, containing my smile when he pauses mid-pull-up of his trousers.
He slowly turns and gazes at me with eyes so clear. ‘Not any more.’
Chapter 24
When I wake, I’m in that place again, the one between sleep and consciousness, yet now my contentment carries over from my dream world into my real world. I smile and sit up, blinking into the hazy light. The clock says it’s eleven o’clock, a whole three hours since Theo left me in bed. What happened to him being an hour? My phone glows from the nightstand and I reach for it, seeing a text from Theo.