Gentleman Sinner(82)

I don’t need to look back down at his chest. Those seven lines are branded on my mind and heart. My soul. ‘My love for her holds me prisoner.’ I swallow, breathing through my task. ‘Her faith leaves me in awe.’ I close my eyes, my heart pulsing in my ears. ‘Her hope encourages mine,’ I whisper, forcing my lids to open. He nods, bringing my hand to his lips and kissing it softly. I look down to his pec, my bottom lip quivering uncontrollably as I force myself to go on. ‘And her touch reaches my soul.’ I clench my teeth together, the words becoming distorted through my tears.

He’s suddenly moving, taking my hands in his and tugging me closer. ‘She is my peace,’ Theo continues for me. ‘My cure.’ He kisses the corner of my mouth, so very gently. ‘My love. Do you understand, Izzy?’ he asks, searching my welling eyes. ‘Do you realize how I feel about you?’

I stare at him as he stares at me, unwavering.

He swallows. ‘Everything I do is because I am in love with you. Not because I’m a fucking madman. Not because I thrive on violence. It’s because I fucking love you.’

I’m shocked into silence and stillness. And I can’t breathe.

‘I don’t want you to say anything,’ he whispers, collecting air. It’s a good thing he’s not expecting me to speak, because I’m incapable. I’m at a loss. Stunned. He clamps his eyes closed for the briefest of seconds, though I expect in the short space of time that they’re hidden from me, he collects a lifetime’s worth of courage. He sighs, like it’s a burden, and I will my body to relax in his hold, but I’m too damn shocked. ‘I just feel like you should have some warning.’

I find my voice, his choice of words helping me. ‘Warning?’ Like it could be dangerous for Theo to love me?

‘I don’t think you’ll find my love easy to accept,’ he murmurs sadly. ‘I think you’ll find it overbearing and suffocating.’

I hesitate for a beat. ‘Why?’

‘Because my instinct is telling me to hide you from the world and devote my life to keeping you safe.’ He watches me, gauging my reaction. I hope he’s not disappointed. I smile, and my body goes lax, and my heart skips a beat. Those words are golden, probably the most reassuring thing he could ever say to me.

‘I’ve already accepted it,’ I tell him quietly, straight-faced and cool. ‘Because I’ve fallen in love with you, too.’ His eyes widen as I swallow down the ball of emotion growing in my throat.

‘I told you I didn’t expect you to say anything.’

‘You need to know.’ I move forward, showing him my hands. He nods, and I place them gently on his muscled torso. He sucks in air and holds it, and I look up at him, finding him watching my hands as they glide over the finely tuned planes of his chest. ‘I feel like you should have some warning.’ I mirror his words quietly, and his eyes shoot to mine. I hold them. ‘Because I don’t think you’ll find my love easy to accept.’ I say what I know to be true.

‘Only because I don’t deserve it,’ he whispers, resting his hands over mine. ‘You are a good person, Izzy.’ He dips and places his forehead on mine. ‘I am not.’

I close my eyes and let that statement sink in. I know he lives on the wrong side of the law, and I also know that it won’t discourage me from loving him. To me, he is simply Theo. To me, he is comfort and love. I lift my hands from his chest and let him guide them over his shoulders, and then I move in, clinging to him tightly. I move my face to his neck, kissing it softly, my way of telling him I don’t care. Besides, I’m choosing to see Theo as a saint, not a sinner. He actually helps save lives. By using the scumbags as bargaining chips to his own advantage, he is, in fact, helping the women who fall victim to anger and beatings. How could I not support that?

‘Izzy,’ he breathes wearily. ‘I’m wired to charge when I feel threatened. It’s the way I’m built. It’s who I am. And that instinct has only grown stronger since I met you.’

I press my lips together and blink some clearness into my vision. Theo’s instinct is to fight under threat. To eliminate the danger. I cup his stubbled cheek, and he closes his eyes, nuzzling into my touch. ‘I understand.’

‘I realize that the best thing I can do when you’re upset or distressed is to get you away from the cause. Not add to it. It might just take me a while to train myself.’

I smile sadly, fully comprehending how much it takes for him to not only admit it, but actually do it. ‘I need to keep you,’ I say, leaning in and resting my mouth on his. ‘I need to know you’re not going to do something silly and give reason for someone to take you away from me.’

‘Oh Jesus, Izzy.’ He pushes his lips to mine and swallows me up in his kiss, holding me so tightly in his strong, safe arms. ‘I’m not worthy of your patience, your compassion, or your bravery to take me on.’

I hush him and embrace him, and he falls to his back, taking me with him. Resting my cheek on his shoulder, I stare across the vast expanse of his chest, reading the words he’s had emblazoned there. All of them are so profound, but one line I read over and over again.

My love for her love holds me prisoner.

I reach across to place my finger on the start of the words, smiling when Theo’s hand catches mine before my touch meets his skin. I wait for him to lower my hand to his chest, and then I ghost across the script slowly. And I wonder, does Theo realize that his love makes me feel free? With Theo in my present, I know my past can’t touch me.