Funny Girl(76)

‘I was just wondering whether the midwife would say a little more at this point?’ said Sandra the midwife. She spent a lot of the rehearsal time wondering whether the midwife should be saying a little more; to Sandra, a midwife was a combination of medical professional, counsellor, priest, third parent and Greek chorus.

‘No,’ said Bill.

‘I’m not sure I agree,’ said Sandra.

Dennis stood up again.

‘Sit down,’ said Clive.

Dennis decided that he couldn’t sit down again just because someone had told him to, and in any case he couldn’t concentrate, so he went to call Tom.

‘Well,’ he said when he came back.

‘Good or bad?’ said Clive.

‘I’ll let you be the judge.’

‘Oh, God,’ said Bill.

‘What?’

‘If it’s a matter of judgement, it can’t be good. It can’t be a raise, for example.’

‘I don’t think Tom Sloan suddenly decides to give everyone more money. We’ve signed contracts.’

‘What does he decide, then?’ said Sophie.

‘Well,’ said Dennis. ‘Ultimately, he’s responsible for all the Light Entertainment output on …’

‘Oh, for Christ’s sake,’ said Clive. ‘She didn’t mean that. She meant, What did he phone you about?’

‘Ah,’ said Dennis. ‘Well.’

‘That’s what you said when you came in two hours ago,’ said Tony. ‘And we’re still none the wiser.’

‘I’ve just spoken to Marcia Williams.’

‘You never have!’ said Bill. ‘What did she want?’

‘We don’t know who Marcia Williams is,’ said Sophie.

‘Yes, we do,’ said Bill. ‘Why d’you think I said, “You never have”?’

‘I thought you were being sarcastic. Who is she, then?’

‘She’s the Prime Minister’s secretary. You know what they say about her, don’t you?’

‘Be very careful,’ said Dennis. ‘We’re on BBC premises.’

‘Oh, don’t be such an ass, Dennis,’ said Bill. And then, just to be perverse, he started shouting, ‘THEY SAY THEY’RE AT IT!’

‘Who?’

‘WILSON AND MARCIA!’

‘It depresses me that I am attempting to wring a sophisticated comedy series out of such childish minds,’ said Dennis.

‘Go and boil your head,’ said Bill.

‘Is that true?’ said Sophie, wide-eyed.

‘Supposed to be,’ said Clive.

‘ “Supposed to be”,’ said Dennis scornfully. ‘If there was ever a phrase that encapsulated the futility of gossip, that’s it. “Supposed to be true” … Dear God.’

‘Well, we don’t know for sure,’ said Clive.

‘No. If we knew for sure it would be a fact.’

‘But that’s what people say?’ said Sophie.

‘Yes,’ said Dennis. ‘It’s gossip.’

‘Ignore him,’ said Bill. ‘He’s not human. He’s a robot.’

Dennis looked wounded. ‘Just because I don’t have the same level of prurient interest in other people’s affairs doesn’t make me a robot,’ he said. ‘It just makes me … decent.’

‘What a lot of cock you talk,’ said Clive.

‘Shall I tell you what Marcia and I spoke about?’ said Dennis. ‘Is anyone interested?’

‘Get him,’ said Sophie. ‘ “Marcia and I”.’

‘She wanted us to know how much they all enjoyed the programme. Harold and Mary never miss it, apparently.’

‘At least Mary knows he’s not at it at eight o’clock on a Thursday,’ said Sophie.

‘With anyone else, anyway,’ said Bill. ‘Maybe that’s their Big Night In.’

‘Oh, don’t be so vulgar,’ said Sophie.

‘I’m just going to ignore you all and plough on,’ said Dennis. ‘Marcia said –’

‘Get him,’ said Sophie. ‘ “Marcia said”.’

‘Marcia said the Prime Minister wished he had someone as clever as Jim working for him in real life. And then she asked if we’d like to go to Number Ten and have a look round.’