Funny Girl(17)

‘ “Fun to write”,’ said Bill. ‘Ooh, that was fun to write, Tony!’

‘Wasn’t it just,’ said Tony. ‘I’m so glad I’m a writer!’

‘Me too,’ said Bill. ‘It’s just fun all day!’

They both stared at her. She was mystified.

‘It wasn’t,’ said Tony. ‘It was horrible. Torture. Like everything else we do.’

‘And before you say anything,’ said Bill, ‘the question mark was Dennis’s idea, not ours. We hate it.’

‘I do wish you’d stop going on about the wretched question mark,’ said Dennis. ‘That’s the first thing you’ve told everybody who walks through the door.’

Dennis began to bash his pipe furiously against one of the half-dozen ashtrays on the table. All of them were overflowing, and the hall smelled like a smoking carriage on a train even though they were only occupying one small corner.

‘Our names are underneath your bloody question mark,’ said Tony. ‘We are trying to make a living writing comedy. You’ve made us unemployable.’

Dennis sighed.

‘I’ve agreed it was a mistake, I’ve apologized, we’re going to get rid of it, now let’s try and put it behind us.’

‘But how can we, when you’re supposed to be a comedy producer, and we now know what you think comedy is?’

‘What do you want me to do? Tell me, and I’ll do it.’

‘It’s too late,’ said Tony. ‘It has been sent out to our fellow professionals.’

‘Like Sophie here,’ said Clive. She knew he was being sarcastic again.

The annoying thing, Sophie thought, was that he was very handsome. Actors who looked like him didn’t usually speak in silly braying voices on radio comedy shows; they were always too busy rescuing busty damsels in distress on the television or in the cinema. He was, she thought, even better-looking than Simon Templar. He had the most disconcertingly bright blue eyes, and cheekbones that made her envious.

‘Did you think it was funny, Sophie?’ said Dennis.

‘The question mark?’

‘No,’ said Bill. ‘We know that’s not funny. The script.’

‘Oh,’ said Sophie. ‘Well. Like I said. I enjoyed it very much.’

‘But did you think it was funny?’

‘Funny,’ she repeated, as if this were a quality that she hadn’t previously considered in her assessment of their comedy script.

‘Jokes and things.’

‘Well,’ she said. And then, because she’d now met them all and she wasn’t going to see them again, ‘No.’

For some reason, this answer seemed to delight Bill and Tony.

‘We told you!’ Bill said to Dennis.

‘You always say everything’s awful,’ said Dennis. ‘I never know when to believe you.’

‘What do you think is wrong with it?’ said Bill.

‘Can I be honest?’ she said.

‘Yes. We want honesty.’

‘Everything,’ she said.

‘So when you said you enjoyed it …’

‘I didn’t,’ she said. ‘Not at all. I’m not being funny …’

‘You’re not the only one,’ said Clive.

‘But … I didn’t understand what it was supposed to be about.’

‘Fair enough,’ said Tony.

‘Why did you want to write it?’

‘We were asked,’ said Bill.

‘Asked to do what, though?’

‘We were asked to come up with a show about marriage,’ said Dennis.

‘Oh,’ said Sophie. ‘So why didn’t you do that?’

Bill laughed and clutched at his chest, as if Sophie had just stabbed him in the heart.

‘See, in The Awkward Squad, the people seemed real, even the sort of cartoonish ones. These two, the husband and wife, they seem like cartoons even though they just say normal things without jokes in.’

Bill leaned forward in his seat and nodded.

‘And all the stuff about marriage … It’s like it’s just been stuck on. I mean, they’re always arguing. But there’s no reason for them to argue, is there? They’re exactly the same. And he must have known she was a bit dopey before he proposed.’

She got her first laugh from Clive then.