Fractured Freedom(22)

And yet when he talked to me like this, I was reminded that he was also the guy my mom asked to drive me to school when no one else could, because she trusted him that much. I’d gotten so ready for that day, knowing I’d be alone in the car with him. Then, even though the conversation in that car had been going so well, we’d been halfway to school when he said softly, “My mom told me you got your period for the first time yesterday. Let me know if you need anything.”

Yep. That actually happened.

I’d literally wanted to die.

He’d meant well.

That was Dante, always caring, always present. Always there for every embarrassing story but not actually making fun of me. The guy would have gotten me tampons, I swear it.

It felt like, to him, I was a little girl he was taking care of as a family duty.

Our relationship was doomed from the very start.

Handing him my v-card had been a colossal mistake. One that grew in me for two-and-a-half months after.

I’d carried his baby.

I’d thought I’d have to raise a child on my own. I struggled with so much that first semester at college that I could barely bring myself to go to class.

And through it all, my twin sister was gone, the only one who probably would have understood my pain. When she was released after a few months, I’d planned to tell her. But she’d continued to hang with other people and continued to ignore me, continued down the wrong road. We talked still, but it wasn’t the same. Then, that next summer, she called, so happy to report that Dante was taking her on a date.

Somehow, Dante, the man I dreamt about was going out with my prettier, more rebellious sister, even if he’d given me the only orgasms I’d had that year.

Not that I could blame him. I’d pushed him away. I’d pushed everyone away after my miscarriage. I was depressed and had to seek so much help for it.

And even though Izzy told me nothing big happened between them, I knew they talked. I knew they were good friends. I knew Dante had accepted her like he’d never accepted me. As an equal. Not as a kid sister.

“Just so we’re clear, my twin sister and your friend were probably dressed worse than me.”

“Izzy’s always dressed differently than you.”

“You would know,” I grumbled.

He sighed and pulled at his shirt collar before he continued. “Lilah, I don’t want to frustrate you anymore than you already are, okay? This is awkward for both of us.”

“Awkward because Izzy and you have some sort of relationship that you’ve been hiding?” As much as I hated to admit it, my voice sounded dejected.

Had they been sleeping together all this time?

Back when I’d heard he was taking her on a date, I almost called him to tell him off. But at that stage, I’d been trying hard to handle my emotions better. I was seeing a therapist for my miscarriage, I was discussing my downfalls and I was growing. Sliding back to a place where I didn’t feel good enough or to a place where memories of my miscarriage would surface wasn’t healthy.

Dante wasn’t healthy for me, period, back then. I’d built him up to superhero status and made him out to be my only safe zone. He’d been the one I told all my problems to before we hooked up, and then he’d been the only one I wanted to share my pregnancy with but also the one I knew I couldn’t tell.

I wanted him so badly in those moments, even succumbed to him in a bathroom during our Christmas party, only to find that it drained me for the following week.

I wanted his comfort but knew I had to comfort myself.

And then the blow of him comforting her the following summer came.

“The relationship is a professional one,” he ground out. “I’m not with your sister. She works for me now.”

“Yeah, ‘now,’ he says,” I mumbled because I was on a roll at this point. I’d never confronted him about dating my sister while I was off at the west coast university trying to get over a miscarriage. I could barely bring myself to keep my grades up, let alone tell a guy who was my crush that I had deeper feelings for him.

“What are you insinuating, Delilah?”

I glared at him. I hated when he used my full name like I was in trouble. “Well, you were with her over a summer.” Saying it out loud still had me sick to my stomach. I knew their relationship didn’t last long. Izzy called and visited in the fall and told me she and Dante were just friends now, that she had enrolled in community college.

We’d celebrated. I was happy for her. I was happy to see her shine. Now, I thought she probably shined like that because she was having a secret relationship with him the whole time.

I didn’t see her much after that. I just struggled to get through college where everything seemed tainted. The student hospital where I’d been told I was pregnant, the cafeteria where I’d had morning sickness, the library where I’d researched how to be a good mom.

I hauled ass when I graduated, telling my family I didn’t want to walk in the graduation ceremony or have a party because of the opportunity in Puerto Rico. It seemed to be how I’d change my life. I was ecstatic, in a new place and ready to explore the world away from all the expectations back home.

And all that had been ripped away from me now.

Because of Dante and Izzy.

That thought alone had my gut twisting up in a way it shouldn’t.