Fluffy(19)

Fiona nods with deep approval. “That’s progressive.” Pondering for a moment, she then adds, “And extremely practical. It’s a public service, even.”

“Their entire engineering team is made up of female electrical engineers,” Perky continues. “But if you go on enough men’s rights forums, you can find the hack code to disable that function.”

“Can we get back to my porn problem? I would rather talk about anything but this,” I say as I finish my coffee.

“I am so glad you can finally admit you have a problem,” Fiona says to me. “It’s the first step.”

“In what?”

“Healing.”

“The only thing I need to heal is my bank account.” I stare at the bottom of my empty cup. “And you sound like my mom. Speaking of Mom, I’m about a month away from having to give up my apartment.”

“That bad?” Perky’s only half paying attention as she clicks on pictures of women on their knees, the videos frozen on still images that make me realize I really, really don’t like mayonnaise, but especially when it’s all over a woman’s face.

“I’m going to have to move back in with my parents.”

“No!” Both of my friends have the decency to be horrified by proxy.

“Yep. The scourge of being a millennial.”

“I thought avocado toast and not buying cars was the scourge,” Fiona says. She holds her coffee aloft. “And buying overpriced coffee.”

“We’re blamed for everything. I’m jaded. Name a social problem and we’re like Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon. We’re always one degree from it being our fault.”

“We have a lot of power we don’t use,” Perky mutters as she stares at anuses pulled open by speculums. “Aha!”

I have never, ever been more terrified by a single word.

“What is ‘aha!’ worthy?” Fiona inquires, looking about as scared as I feel.

“I found the perfect Beastman porn clip.”

A hushed silence surrounds us like a crowded elevator after a particularly loud fart that cannot be blamed on any specific person.

Except in this case, Perky’s it.

She clicks Play.

Fiona snaps the Mute button.

The movie starts, Beastman completely naked and oiled up on a bed that looks like something out of a set for The Flintstones. It’s supposed to look like a carved boulder, but instead it looks like a slightly decayed mushroom.

And speaking of mushrooms...

“He’s got quite the tip!” Perky admires.

I cover the screen with my palm. “Turn it off!”

“No!” she snatches the laptop away from me, my hand moving down, thumb running deep along a few keys.

Meanwhile, Beastman starts going at it on screen.

“He’s mounting her from behind!” I gasp.

“That’s called doggie style,” Fiona says, as if she’s teaching me the names of the continents.

“I know what doggie style is!”

“Well, don’t get mad at me. You didn’t know what a fluffer is. I thought I was being helpful.”

“Oooooh, baby, you’re so tight,” says a man’s voice, deep and intense, choked with sensuality. It sounds like he’s speaking from above us, right here in the room. “Yeah, I’m gonna make you scream.”

We all look up and toward the door.

No man.

Toward Raul.

He’s not speaking.

Toward the laptop.

“You want Daddy to give it to you, huh?” the man says again, the sound now reverberating throughout the entire coffee shop. About ten people, including one woman with a toddler, are looking around the store, puzzled.

Raul’s jaw drops.

Funny. He looks just like a male version of an AlwaysDoll.

“Who is saying this?” I screech, looking around wildly. The sound is coming from everywhere.

Fiona points to Beastman’s mouth. “It’s him!”

“I’m impaling you, baby. How’s it feel to be impaled?” Panting breaths make it clear he’s super into being Vlad the Impaler.

Fiona’s finger brushes against his moving lips on the laptop screen. “See? His lips are moving in time with the words.”

“Perky! Oh my God!” I scream. “What did you do to my computer?”

Smack! Smack! “You like it when I ride this big wet ass, don’t you?” Beastman says to his onscreen costar, grabbing her throat from behind.

Raul starts fanning himself with a coffee-drink menu. The woman with a toddler covers his ears and picks him up, rushing for the door. A cluster of teen boys grins and looks around, following the sound like they're on a scavenger hunt.

Beastman pulls out, bends down, and–

“Ewwwwww!” we three whisper in horror.

I peer closer as I frantically push every keyboard button possible. “Is he licking her there?”

“Now we know why she has a big wet ass,” Fiona marvels.

And then:

“Baby, I wanna taste you,” Beastman moans. The woman turns around.

No.

No!

“Not ass to mouth!” Perky hush-screams as Beastman kisses his costar. “Never ass to mouth!”