Fluffy by Julia Kent
It all started with the wrong help-wanted ad. Of course it did.
I’m a professional fluffer. It’s NOT what you think. I stage homes for a living. Real estate agents love me, and my work stands on its own merits.
Sigh. Get your mind out of the gutter. Go ahead. Laugh. I’ll wait.
See? That’s the problem. My profession has used the term fluffer for decades. I didn’t even know there was a more… lascivious definition of the term.
Until it was too late.
The ad for a professional fluffer on Craigslist seemed like divine intervention. My last unemployment check was in the bank. I was desperate. Rent was due. The ad said cash paid at the end of the day.
The perfect job!
Staging homes means showing your best angle. The same principle applies in making a certain kind of movie. Turns out a fluffer doesn’t arrange decorative pillows on a couch.
They arrange other soft, round-ish objects.
The job isn’t hard. Well, I mean, it is–it’s about being hard. Or, um, helping other people to be hard. In decisions about stripping down, I mean!
Oh, man…
And that’s the other problem. A man. No, not one of the stars on the movie set. Will Lotham–my high school crush. The owner of the house where we’re filming. Illegally. It's a rental house.
By the time the cops show up, what I thought was just a great house-staging gig has turned into a nightmare involving pictures of me with a naked star, Will rescuing me from an arrest, and a humiliating lesson in my own na?veté.
The job turned out to be so much harder than I expected. But you know what’s easier than I ever imagined?
Having all my dreams come true.
1
Wanted: Professional fluffer for set. Experience required (no amateurs)! North Shore area. Immediate work, potential for more. 4 hours this week, cash paid at end of workday. Email or call.
Well, that’s vague, but promising. I live north of Boston. I haven’t heard the term fluffer used for house staging in a long time… maybe this is an older real estate agent?
A “set,” huh? I know the industry is moving toward video to help drive sales. I’m a stager who used to work for Tolleson Properties, one of the biggest real estate brokerages in my area. I staged houses, model homes, and sometimes office space, until the owners decided to sell and retire.
Things with the new owner didn't exactly work out, but I don't want to think about that DEA raid.
My last day was exactly twenty-nine weeks ago.
How do I know it was exactly twenty-nine weeks ago?
Because this is week thirty, and my last unemployment check should hit my account today. After that, it’s all downhill.
And by “downhill,” I mean I have to move back in with my mom and dad.
Immediate work sounds good, based on my bank balance and pending eviction. I send a quick reply.
To the Hiring Professional,
My name is Mallory Monahan, and I am writing to inquire about the professional fluffer position. I have six years of experience with staging and props, and am in search of freelance work that will use my expertise to draw out your best assets and help them rise to their fullest potential. My unique style never fails to set the right mood to bring your star properties to a happy ending. Clients tell me I have a special touch.
Please reply if you would like more information from me.
Sincerely,
Mallory
I learned a while ago not to bother with a resume when you make the first inquiry. Too many spam filters, too many HR people not bothering. A brief, upbeat email is best, confident and businesslike.
I scan the rest of the ads. Ten-dollar-an-hour administrative assistant jobs. Lots of “Make $5,000 a month in your spare time” ads, which basically means the people placing the ads make $5,000 a month from suckers who sign up.
Call center jobs. Accounting and finance positions that are way out of my league. Fashion model come-ons. Medical testing for research studies. Can you really get paid $6,000 to live in a hospital and do nothing but sleep for seventeen days? If so, sign me up.
A lot of house-cleaning jobs, and licensed real estate agent positions, but nothing else for decorating, designing, or staging.
But hey–one job listing is better than none.
A quick look at my email tells me everything I need to know about my life. My bank balance is under the limit for free checking so an $18 fee is being assessed, according to my bank, putting me into negative-dollar territory. I have three spam emails from Nigerian princes offering to marry me or to save my life if I will transfer cash immediately. Two internet marketers want to sell me How to Find the Perfect Husband systems for the low price of $79 (Receive a free self-care pampering gift basket when you enroll in our annual plan! Includes skin cream guaranteed to make you look less desperate!). One egg donor registry is offering me the chance to pump myself full of hormones, cry for five days, and have my eggs harvested from my ovaries.
It’s like they know.
They know I’ll never be able to use them.
But that’s not the worst email in my inbox.
Oh, not by a long shot.
This one is:
REMINDER: HARMONY HILLS HIGH SCHOOL CLASS OF 2009 REUNION! OUR FIRST DECADE!