Finding Grace(87)

‘Why didn’t you tell me, Luce? How did this man know where you lived?’

‘He’d turned up at The Carlton a few days earlier and begged me to give him half an hour of my time. He must have followed me, watched me.

I shiver and press the cushion closer to my chest.

Blake shifts in his seat as I continue.

‘He explained that he was a recovering alcoholic, and that an essential part of his treatment was to apologise to all the people he’d hurt in his lifetime.’ I try to disengage myself from the growing pressure inside my head. I’ve started this, and however bad Blake’s reaction is, I must finish. It’s the right thing to do and that is my only barometer from now on. ‘I accepted his apology and he went away again. I thought that was it, the end of the nightmare. I didn’t tell you at the time because I didn’t want him sullying our happy mood and I genuinely thought it would be the last time I saw him.’

‘I see.’ I note his annoyed expression, but I ignore it and press on. There’s far worse to come.

‘I thought it was you, you see, coming back to the house for something you’d forgotten. I just opened the door and… he forced his way in.’

Blake’s face flushes deep red.

‘He… he raped me that night, Blake. When he left, he was involved in the road traffic accident at the end of the street.’

‘Oh no.’ He covers his face with his hands. ‘No. No!’

He thumps the chair arm, then stands up and paces around the room, his hands clamped to the top of his head. ‘I can’t believe you didn’t tell me this, I can’t believe I wasn’t there to protect you. I’m so sad you had to deal with this alone and… hang on…’ He turns to look at me, realisation dawning. ‘I did come back to the house, because you had a flood!’

He frowns, staring into space. He’s trying to remember, trying to join up the dots to make sense of his fractured memory, and he’s failing.

‘When you left, I set the bath running,’ I tell him. ‘Then I heard the door and rushed to open it. Stefan attacked me and left. It was only when the water started dripping through the ceiling that I remembered the bath.’

He walks over and sits down next to me on the couch.

‘But why didn’t you tell me when I came back? You said you were feeling ill, that you’d gone down with some kind of bug. I remember being puzzled that it had come on so quickly.’ He’s lurching between a whole host of negative emotions. ‘We should’ve rung the police! Why protect him?’ He springs up again, shaking his head like he’s trying to expel the terrible thoughts that are flooding in.

‘I couldn’t get the police involved because I thought he’d use Rhonda’s murder.’ I cry out. ‘He had photos! I was innocent; I didn’t want to go to prison. It sounds far-fetched but you didn’t know him. He was so convincing, so plausible.’

‘We could have fought his allegation together, Lucie. If you’d confided in me, I would’ve believed you… surely you must know that? Instead, we’ve had all these… these lies, tainting our relationship for so long. Destroying your mental stability and making me feel like I was never quite enough for you.’

It sounds simple now, but it was far from that at the time. Stefan had control over me when I was his girlfriend. I couldn’t see it then, but I can see it now. He was skilled at moulding my thoughts into what he wanted from me; so skilled, I thought I was making my own mind up.

I totally bought into his manipulating nature, his ability to get what he wanted.

I believed with every fibre of my body that he’d killed Rhonda that day, and that he would be able to convince the police of my guilt using his plausibility and the photographs he took of me with what I thought was a drugged-up Rhonda.

‘You’ve always been enough for me,’ I say, pushing the cushion away. ‘You are more than enough for me. I love you so much.’

Blake sighs and reaches for my hand.

‘Look. You’ve told me now and I’m thankful the cloud above us has finally gone. My God, no wonder you’ve not been in your right mind at times.’ His face drops. ‘I wish you could’ve shared the burden. I wish I could’ve helped you through it.’

I squeeze his hand gratefully.

‘We make a fresh start now, deal?’ he says, gazing into my eyes.

I can’t speak. My throat feels like its closing up and it’s all I can do not to stand up and make an excuse to leave the room.

‘It’s natural for you to worry,’ Blake reassures me. ‘You’ve spent so long living in fear, but Stefan O’Hara is dead. He can never hurt you again, Luce. It’s our time now. No more secrets between us, ever… right?’

‘But there is another secret,’ I hear myself say quietly. ‘There is one more secret.’

I wait for him to nod, to say something, but he just stares at me. His entire body seems to freeze, rigid and immoveable as something in him senses the gravity of my next words.

‘The night he raped me… ‘ My voice breaks but I push through it. I can’t turn back now. ‘A few weeks after he raped me… I found out I was pregnant.’

Blake seems to diminish somehow in front of me. His broad chest, strong shoulders look smaller, his confident demeanour now timid.