Everything After(40)

“Tony our old drummer?” Emily asked.

Rob nodded. “Yeah, he’s got a kick-ass bar in Hoboken. And he made me promise I’d come by once he heard I’d be in town. I told my manager I needed another day here, and he worked it all out.”

“Huh,” Emily said. She really had never wondered what those guys had gotten up to. A deplorable lack of curiosity on her part. Or perhaps a defense mechanism. A form of self-preservation.

“I’ve gotta confess, I have an ulterior motive,” Rob said. “I’m not sure how many people will come and want to play. So I’m hoping I can convince you to get up there. You still play, right? You writing your own stuff yet?”

Emily felt bad admitting that she didn’t, that she hadn’t. Though she had played last night at the fund-raiser. So she settled on, “I don’t play often. And I told you I’m not a songwriter.”

He laughed at their longstanding argument. He’d always said that one day she’d write something herself, instead of just harmonizing his songs. “Well, think about it,” he said. “It’d be fun to hear you play again, even if it’s not your own stuff. And I’d love to meet your husband.”

When he said it, he genuinely seemed to mean it, but Emily wondered what it would be like for him to see her with someone else, especially after he’d just gotten divorced. Even though she was the one who ended things years ago, and even though she knew his marriage was over, she still felt a pang of jealousy that he’d loved someone else enough to marry her, to have kids with her. She knew she had no right to be jealous, but the feeling was there.

“I’ll talk to him,” Emily said, knowing that after their argument last night there was close to no chance that he’d agree to come. Or that she’d even ask. Once he got home tomorrow night, hopefully they’d be able to talk. Put things back to normal. She missed him.

“He must be on call tonight?” Rob asked.

Emily nodded. “Life of a doctor’s wife,” she answered.

Rob stood up. “Here,” he said, “why don’t I give you my cell number. Then you can let me know whether to expect you two.”

Emily hesitated for a moment. She shouldn’t have his number in her phone. It would be too easy for an innocent text to turn into something more. But it seemed rude not to give him the phone—and like it would telegraph the message that he meant more to her than he did. Besides, she could always delete the number after she told him they weren’t going to make it tomorrow. She handed him her phone so he could type in his number.

As he was typing, a text message chimed.

Rob looked up. “Ezra said his parents need help moving some furniture in their house, so he’s going to go home with them tomorrow and spend Sunday in Princeton. He’ll be home on Monday after work and you can talk then.”

“Oh,” Emily said, not finding a better word than that. Not wanting to explain what they were going to talk about or why her husband was texting her that information.

“So, I guess tomorrow night’s invitation is just for you, then,” he added, looking like he wanted to say something more but held himself back.

“I guess so,” Emily answered.

Rob handed her back her phone. She could feel the tension rising between them.

“You know how my mom always said things will be okay in the end?”

Emily nodded.

“Well, if things aren’t okay, it’s not the end. For you, either.” He looked at her meaningfully.

Emily knew what he was dancing around, what he was trying to say. And if she were smart, she would tell him that everything was fine. But that would feel like a lie. And he’d know it. So instead she said, “Thank you.”

“Let me know about tomorrow night, okay?” he said.

“I will,” she told him. “And . . . if I don’t make it tomorrow, it was great to see you. Truly.”

He bent toward her and hugged her, and held on tight.

She wanted to hold him just as tight.

But she didn’t.





xxv



Your aunt Ari got married today. I keep thinking that you would’ve been five years old. You could’ve been the flower girl or the ring bearer. You would’ve been dressed up fancy, pink-cheeked and smiling in the photos. Or maybe you would’ve been scared, hiding behind my leg or clinging to my skirt. Ari’s husband, Jack, has a sister with two kids, and seeing them run around—I haven’t thought about you this much in years. It was like you were at that wedding with me, in my heart, in my mind.

I wish your grandma could’ve been there. Ari asked me to walk her down the aisle along with our dad. She said that since we were such a team, it wouldn’t feel right for me to walk with someone else on her wedding day. So she had one of us on each side. When we got up to the front of the aisle, and we walked ahead of her underneath the chuppah, Jack whispered to me: “I promise you I’ll never get between you and your sister. She loves you so much.”

“She loves you, too, Jack,” I told him. “And I’m so happy to have a brother.”

It would’ve been nice to have a date to their wedding, but I haven’t dated anyone since your dad. I kept telling myself it’s because I’ve been working so hard in school, but the truth is, I’ve been scared. I’m still scared. So scared that I’ll get hurt again. So scared that I’ll hurt someone else.