Dumped, Actually(41)

Vanity is tall, willowy, raven-haired and ever so exclusive. She’s also way, waaaaaaaaaay out of my league. The odds of me pulling her are about as high as the bar stool I’m sat on becoming self-aware and running for prime minister.

That isn’t stopping my boss having a good go, though. ‘Ollie, I’d like you to meet Vanity O’Hare,’ she says. ‘Vanity is a good friend from my yoga class.’

I nod dumbly.

‘This is Oliver Sweet, Vanity,’ Erica tells her. ‘He writes for me.’

Vanity looks suitably unimpressed by this.

‘He’s probably my most talented member of staff. Has a real way with words.’

It’s clear that Vanity thinks having a way with words is about as important to her continued happiness as the economic outlook for the nation of Azerbaijan.

‘He’s the one who’s behind “Dumped Actually”,’ Erica tells her in a confident tone.

At this, Vanity’s interest immediately perks up.

Aha. Erica may have found an inroad here . . . whether I like it or not.

Suddenly, Vanity’s attention is squarely fixed on me.

‘You wrote “Dumped Actually”?’ she asks me, in an excited tone.

‘Er . . . yes. That’s me.’

Her eyes light up. ‘Oh God, I love it! You’re so funny!’ Vanity’s exquisitely manicured hand touches me lightly on the chest.

What?? What?? What’s happening here??

Go back to sleep, Mr Penis.

What?? No! Something has just happened!

No, it hasn’t.

Oh yes, it bloody has! She just touched you! The dark-haired beauty with the million-dollar figure just touched you!

It doesn’t mean anything.

Bollocks it doesn’t! Don’t screw this up! I’ve never been anywhere near someone like this before.

She’s not going to be interested in having sex with us, you cretin. If she’s read ‘Dumped Actually’, she’ll know about you being hard around a baby deer.

Shit. I hadn’t thought of that.

No, I didn’t think you had. Now go back to sleep.

‘Ollie’s work is keeping Actual Life afloat, Vanity. I really couldn’t do without him,’ Erica says in a gushing manner, before she squeezes my arm gently.

What’s going on here with all this female touching?

I’m starting to feel like an avocado being inspected before purchase.

‘Oh. I’m so glad you have someone like this working with you, Erica,’ Vanity replies. ‘You know how we all adore you and your website. It’s great to see it doing well again.’

‘Thank you, Vanity!’ Erica says, continuing to gush. Erica Hilton gushing is a slightly strange thing to behold. It’s like I’m with a totally different person to the one I’m used to.

‘Your break-up sounds like it was a really hard thing to deal with,’ Vanity tells me, eyes full of sympathy.

‘Yes. Yes, it was,’ I reply, starting to feel uncomfortable.

. . . sorry, more uncomfortable.

I may be okay with writing about my disastrous love life, but talking about it with someone I’ve only just met is another thing entirely.

‘I know how you feel,’ Vanity says. ‘I’ve been through much the same thing myself.’

‘Oh. I’m sorry to hear that,’ I tell her, a bit perplexed. Who the hell would dump this woman?

Vanity moves a little closer to me and touches me on the chest again in a playful manner. ‘Thanks, Ollie. It’s lovely to meet someone who knows what it’s like. You’ve really made me feel better about everything.’

‘Oh. Okay. Pleased to hear it.’

She cocks her head slightly to one side. ‘Is anyone helping you feel better?’

‘Chas! Chas Molineux!’ Erica suddenly exclaims, pointing a finger towards one swarthy-looking individual across the bar. ‘You owe me a cocktail, you naughty boy!’ Erica turns back to Vanity and me. ‘Excuse me, you two. I have a free drink awaiting me over there.’ She gives me a meaningful look. ‘Enjoy yourselves.’

Oh good lord.

Oi! Oi! What was that??

It was nothing, Mr Penis!

Yes, it was, you lying git! Erica leered. She bloody well leered at us!!

So?

What do you mean, so?? She thinks we’re in here!!

Don’t be ridiculous. This type of thing doesn’t happen to us. One-night stands with beautiful women don’t happen to us. It’s just not the way we’re built.

It might not be the way you’re built, but it’s what I was put on this earth to do, you ignoramus!

‘Shall we go and sit at a quiet table in the corner?’ Vanity suggests as she watches Erica walk over to the bearer of her free cocktail. ‘We can talk more easily there.’

See?? See?? We’re totally in, here!!

I have a suspicion that my penis may actually be right on this occasion. Unbelievable as it may seem, Vanity is giving me extremely strong signals. Ones that even I am able to understand.

An instant feeling of deep regret and shame pulses through me. For some reason, I inexplicably feel that if I go off with this incredible-looking woman, I will somehow be betraying Samantha.

It’s an incredibly silly thing to think. It makes no rational sense whatsoever. But it’s still right there at the centre of my mind, unwilling to go away.