Dreams of 18(16)

I couldn’t go out without being recognized. Everyone in our town knew who I was. They’d stop on the streets and ask me if I was really her, the girl who kissed the coach at her school.

I stopped going out. I stopped even leaving my room. I’d keep my curtains closed, hide myself inside the comforter.

I’d only come out at night when no one could see me and I could see no one.

And God, the rumors; I’m sure Fiona was the source of them.

The rumors that went around. The theories, all the different versions of what happened.

In one version they said that I’d cheated on Brian who had been my boyfriend of two years. While my supposed boyfriend was about to surprise me with a proposal on my birthday, no less.

In a different version, he’d already proposed to me and we were keeping it a secret from everyone and pretending to be best friends. But then, he broke off the engagement – obviously – because I was cheating on my fiancé with his father.

In yet another, very twisted version that came a few weeks later, I killed my fiancé. He was so distraught at seeing me with his father that he smashed his car into a tree and died on the spot.

Seriously?

He’s alive, people. He has social media accounts where he posts regularly.

This last one stuck with me the most, though, as preposterous as that sounded. It stuck with me so much that this is what I told Renn when I first went to Heartstone.

She kept asking me and asking me and I got fed up. So to scare her away I said, “My fiancé died. I killed him.”

That sounded so much worse and more tragic than I kissed my best friend’s dad.

And sure enough, that stopped her. That stopped everyone from asking the questions. Questions about why I don’t talk or why I pull out a chair next to mine: I guess, for Brian; my mind broke down for a while and I missed him so much that I’d pretend he was still my friend.

Anyway, things got so bad for me on the Outside that one night I got super drunk on pi?a coladas and tried to run away from the town in my car. Only I lost control of it a few miles down and almost hit a tree.

That’s when they put me in the hospital.

They called it a mental breakdown before they gave me a proper diagnosis. It’s a thing. Mostly, celebrities go through it when people won’t leave them alone.

So, I’m a celebrity now: The Slut of Cherryville, Connecticut and I suffer from Panic Disorder, a type of anxiety disorder.

I’m not sure how long the silence has gone on but I break it. “No one told me to go kiss him, you know. He definitely didn’t. In fact, do you guys know what he said to me? He told me to go home. Repeatedly. Over and over. He told me, ‘Violet, go home. Violet, step away from me.’ He kept saying it and I didn’t listen. I didn’t care.

“You know what I was thinking when I went in to kiss him like a crazy person? I was thinking that it was going to be this one kiss in the middle of the night and that’s it. I thought I’d kiss him on the lips and then I’d go home. I thought he wouldn’t even remember it in a few days. Or even if he did, I thought he’d consider it a silly, drunken mistake by a teenage girl next door. The worst-case scenario in my head was he might glare at me the next day or say something mean to me or even tell my parents, who wouldn’t have cared anyway. So yeah. That’s what I was thinking would happen. And through it all, I thought I could just… steal a piece of him for myself. Something that once belonged to this man whom I was crazy about. Something that I could tell my children, even. Something I could laugh about later. I didn’t wanna hurt anyone. I was going to move away and forget all about him. It was just my goodbye. A gift for my eighteenth birthday, along with those roses. That’s all it was supposed to be.”

I sniffle and wipe off my tears. “But it turned out to be this huge disaster that doesn’t seem to end.”

“Oh, Vi.” Willow squeezes my hands on the table. “You have to move on. You have to forgive yourself.”

Renn and Penny are looking at me with concern as well.

“I can’t. Not until I know that he has. I have to go see him. I have to make sure that he’s okay. That… he’s moved on,” I insist. “I keep thinking about him all the time. Everything he went through because of me. All the stigma and rumors. I can’t let this go. I-I just have to see if he’s doing fine.”

Willow nods, although I can still see she’s troubled. They all are. But I know that they’ll support me anyway.

“Okay, if this is what you want, go apologize. Go do whatever you have to do so you can focus on yourself.”

Penny nods too, as she warns me, “I don’t think it’s going to be easy, though.”

Willow agrees. “Yeah, Mr. Edwards does not sound like a guy who forgets or forgives easily.”

“Yup.” It’s Renn’s turns to nod. “Mr. Edwards sounds like a tough cookie.”

I know. I’m aware of that.

I know he’s not going to make it easy for me. He probably won’t even see me if I gather enough courage to go knock at his front door, but I’m doing it.

I’m going to Colorado and I’m going to find him.

I’m going to somehow make up for everything that happened.

Because what he went through was worse than everything I endured.