Down Too Deep (Dirty Deeds, #4)(68)

Nathan’s eyes grew wider behind his glasses. “I hope you’re joking. I never meant any of that as an insult.”

“I know you didn’t. And I am kidding. I like wearing heels.”

“You look beautiful.” His gaze moved all over me. “I thought I’d be prepared for this—Olivia warned me about how you dress up for dates, wear your makeup ‘all fancy,’ I believe were her words. And something about hair accessories…”

I smiled and ran my finger along the jeweled pin beside my temple. “She hooks me up. I’m pretty sure my daughter owns every hair accessory ever invented.”

“All night, sitting out there, I’ve tried to picture this.” Nathan shook his head, as if he were in a daze.

“Is that why you’re here? So you could see what I looked like tonight?”

“I think you know why I’m here.”

“And I think I’m going to need to hear you say it.”

Nathan stood taller. His shoulders lifted as he pulled in a deep breath. “I can’t stop thinking about you.”

I approached him slowly. A difficult task when I wanted to run at him.

“I can’t stop thinking about you either,” I said, stopping when our shoes nearly touched. “I know this whole waiting thing was my idea, but you also said we should stop. You said it was for the best. And then when I told you about this date and wanted you to give me a reason why I shouldn’t go through with it, you said there wasn’t one.”

“I have no right to tell you not to go out on dates, Jenna.”

“But you can’t stop thinking about me,” I argued. “And you’re here right now.”

“I know.”

“You had a reason to give me. Why didn’t you just say it?”

“I couldn’t,” he said, sounding frustrated now. I could hear the sharp breaths leaving him. “I want you to be happy. You love dates. You get excited about them—Olivia told me you do. And I was still trying to work through how I feel…I didn’t know if I was ready for this. And it’s not just because you’re the first woman I’ve wanted to be with since Sadie died. I’m not just talking about being attracted to you and wanting you physically. Jenna, I know what this could become. I wasn’t sure I could do it yet. And if I wasn’t sure, I couldn’t tell you not to go through with this date. I couldn’t tell you how it made me feel when I found out your kids were staying with your brother all night. I couldn’t say shit about any of it.”

“Are you still trying to work through it?”

“No.” He reached out and gently held my waist, drifting closer but stopping before any other part of him touched any other part of me. “I wouldn’t be here if I were.”

I flattened my hands to his chest. His heart pounded against my palm. “It’s a good thing I came home, then.”

“I’m glad you did, but I would’ve waited out there all night—you have to know that.”

Now my heart was pounding.

“Look, I don’t really want to ask about your date, but I’m not going to lie to you—I need to know if you hit it off with this guy.” His fingers tensed on my back. “If you’re into him…or if you’re not sure yet but you want to find out, tell me.”

The worry in his voice was so honest and raw, it tore at me. “I went out with Travis as a friend. I’m not interested in anything more with him.”

Nathan frowned instantly. “That was a friend date?”

“Yes.”

“Is that why he didn’t walk you to the door? Because he fucking should’ve.”

I studied his eyes and the crease in his brow. “That really bothers you, doesn’t it?”

“The way someone treats you? If they don’t do it right—yes, it bothers me.”

“Travis offered to walk me to my door. I told him not to.”

“Why?”

“There was this guy sitting outside. You might’ve seen him. Glasses. Totally my type. Only thing missing was a backward hat. I’m such a sucker for those.” I slid my arms around his neck and molded to his front. There was nothing but breath between us now. “If I had a choice, I wanted him walking me to my door tonight. Not Travis.”

“What are you doing?” Nathan peered down between us, at our bodies pressing together. “What about the whole money issue?”

“You technically touched me first.”

“I also kept space between us for a reason.” His eyes lifted and locked onto mine. “Jenna, I can’t wait and do this with you. I can’t feel you again and then…”

“Maybe we shouldn’t wait. Is it really what either of us wants?”

“Well, I sure as hell don’t want it.”

“Don’t pay me, Nathan.”

“Jenna.” He sighed and shook his head. “You know how I feel about that…”

“Please don’t pay me. Please,” I begged, voice dropping to a whisper. I sounded desperate all of a sudden because I was. “You pay people who do a job for you, but Marley has never been a job to me,” I explained. “I want to be around her, and on the days I’m not, I miss her, Nathan. I miss her like I miss my own kids. Being with her never feels like something I have to do. It’s something I want to do. Don’t pay me anymore. I don’t want your money.”