Don’t Let Me Go(86)

Some things you just have to do. So you do them.

Billy tied on his robe.

Pot of coffee in one hand, cream tucked in the crook of his arm, he made his way out of his apartment and down the basement stairs.

He knocked.

The door flew open roughly and there stood Yolanda. Billy remembered her well from one of Grace’s meetings. In fact, he would never forget her.

“Yeah?” she asked.

Billy resisted the urge to run away.

“I’m one of Grace’s neighbors.”

“Right. I remember you. The nervous one. What smells so good? Oh. It’s you. You’re holding coffee.”

“It’s early, and I thought you might want some.”

“Well, aren’t you a doll. Come in.”

Billy stepped cautiously into the apartment for the first time ever, heart hammering, glancing nervously about to see where Grace’s mom might be. He found her sitting on the couch, smoking a cigarette and glaring at him. When their eyes met briefly, she flew to her feet and marched into the bedroom, slamming the door behind her.

“She hates me,” he said, setting the coffee and cream down on the revoltingly dirty kitchen counter.

“Yeah,” Yolanda said. “She does. You think you’re exaggerating to be funny, but not so much. Let me get a clean mug. You’re a lifesaver with this. It’s early and she doesn’t have shit. No coffee, no milk, no food. Amazing she hasn’t starved to death. I think she stumbles down to a fast food place every couple days. Oh, here’s a…no, I was looking for a clean mug. OK. I’ll just wash one myself. Anyway, you’re a doll. Should I wash two mugs? Are you joining me?”

“I’ve had mine,” he said.

Yolanda yelled suddenly, causing Billy to jump.

“Eileen? You want coffee?”

No sound.

Yolanda marched over to the bedroom door, opened it and stuck her head in. Then she pulled back and closed Eileen in the bedroom by herself again.

“Two mugs. She’ll have some.”

Time for the ultimate sacrifice, Billy thought.

“Cream?”

He held up the precious carton.

“No thanks, hon. I take mine black. I think Eileen goes black but with sugar. And I think I saw some sugar somewheres…” She swung open a cabinet door. Inside was a box of sugar, a bottle of syrup, and nothing else. “Yup. Know why she still has sugar? Because she has nothing to put sugar in. Or on. So is that really the whole reason why you came by here, just to make my morning a little nicer with a pot of coffee?”

Billy pulled the cream back, holding it protectively in the crook of his arm.

“I guess I wanted to make the point that we appreciate your being here. We’re all very concerned about what’s going to happen to Grace. And I guess maybe part of me was wondering how it’s going so far.”

Yolanda laughed a braying, spitting laugh.

“Honey, I been here like ten minutes. I haven’t completely changed her life yet, if that’s what you mean.”

Billy felt his face flush hot. He backed toward the door.

“Sorry,” he said. “I’ll just leave you alone to…do…what you do.”

“Look, didn’t mean to be harsh there, but shit takes time, you know?”

“Right, of course, I’m sorry.”

Billy opened the door and scooted through it, out into the hall. He tried to pull the door closed behind him, but it stopped suddenly. Next thing he knew, Yolanda was standing in the hall beside him.

“Look, Ace, it’s like this. First thing I gotta do is toss every inch of her apartment and flush everything she’s got. Then I gotta go to work. Then I gotta come back here and see if that stopped her, or if she figured out how to get more. On the plus side, she hasn’t got a dime. On the minus side, addicts have ways of getting what they need. So we’ll see. So how ’bout I come by your place later, bring you back your coffee pot, and let you know how we’re going so far? I see that you’re concerned, which is nice. You live on the first floor?”

“Yes, right across the hall from Rayleen.”

“OK, then. Just give this thing time to run its course.”

Billy scooted back up the stairs to his own apartment, put the cream away in the fridge, and sat on the couch, consciously breathing, until his heart rate returned to normal.

? ? ?

“I’m serious,” Grace said. “I’m having a panic attack. I’m seriously having a panic attack here.”

They were three or four blocks from home when she said it. Grace had been holding Rayleen’s hand, but she stopped cold on the sidewalk and pulled free. Jesse ran a few steps to her and got down on one knee, leaving Billy on his own and unguarded in the big world.

Billy went to Grace’s side and knelt down close to Jesse.

“Erase that,” he said to Grace. “Remember how we erase that?”

“Dancing,” Grace said. Breathless. “But I don’t have my tap shoes out here.”

“This is so my fault. I never should have told you I get panic attacks.”

“You didn’t,” Grace said. “You get panic attacks?”

She looked into his face curiously. At least for the moment, she seemed effectively distracted.

“That night on my patio. When we were looking at the stars and you asked what happened to me.”