Don't Let Me Fall(16)

sharks but he’ll tell me to stop talking like that and bring Kelsey into the conversation. It’ll work. I’ll stop talking about it.

I gripped Dad’s t-shirt like the answers were there but they’re not. They’re in my head. Torturing me. Haunting me. Killing me.

“It should’ve been me,” I whispered into Dad’s shoulder.

I felt him tense and I wanted to hit myself. Repeatedly. I hate bringing everyone into my problems. Especially my family. They’re dealing with so much already with Kelsey and now

they have to deal with the crazy one.

“Jacky’s here,” Matty said, moving back into the hallway.

Dad let go of me to see Jacky jogging into my room. They all shared a look as I stared at the floor. I know they’re thinking about what to do now. Therapy? Rehab? A mental

hospital? The cemetery? Something.

I turned in bed and covered myself up.

“I’m sorry,” I sobbed. I never meant to bring them into this. This is my problem. I’m f*cked up. I should have to deal with it.

Everyone was whispering for a bit until my light was turned off and a light body climbed onto my bed. Jacky’s arms went around me and she held me like I was a child instead of her

sister.

“Were you having sex?” I asked.

“Yeah.” I can hear the smile in that one word.

“Sorry. I always call when you’re busy.”

“It’s fine. Remy got to finish this time.”

We both started laughing and I felt somewhat better.

I’ve called twice before in the last five months and it was always during the middle of the night when the two lovebirds were going at it. It’s not my fault I’d rather have my

older sister around telling me I’ll be okay and that she loves me.

I hate bringing Dad and Matty into it. Matty isn’t even eighteen so he shouldn’t have to deal with a suicidal sister and Dad has Kelsey and Mom to think about at the moment.

“Is he mad?” I asked.

“Nah, he has the bed to himself,” Jacky said, running her hand up and down my arm in a gentle caress. “How far did it get this time?”

I don’t want to think about it.

“We just met them,” I said softly.

“What happens if you see it through?” Jacky asked.

I was quiet for a while until I turned and found my sister’s face in the moonlight. “I never get to the end,” I said. “I wake up and the feelings are back. I thought I’d be

okay.”

“Maybe you need to talk to someone,” she said, wiping hair off my face. “Someone who doesn’t know what happened.”

I closed my eyes and nodded.

I know I need help. I also need time.

How much time will I need though?

And will time be enough?



- 5 -



When I woke up, Jacky was gone but she left me a Hershey’s kiss on the pillow she was using last night. That’s my thing. If I go to bed in a bad mood, I’ll wake up to chocolate

on my pillow.

It stopped when I was nineteen and I was home for the summer for a few weeks. It was a hot ass day and the air conditioning wasn’t working so I went to bed extra moody. I tossed

and turned all night and when I woke up, there was melted chocolate on my sheets, all over me and on my nightstand. I seriously thought I lost control of my bowels while I was

sleeping. Everyone thought it was funny. I didn’t.

I unwrapped the chocolate and chewed on it slowly as I stared at the ceiling. I need to wash my hands. I still have blood under my fingernails. I scratched my wrist too hard. That’

s saying something. I really can’t deal with the nightmares.

When I glanced at the clock and saw it was 10:08, I decided to get up. A hot shower was exactly what I needed and I was glad to see they didn’t take away my shaver.

I threw on a loose t-shirt that I stole from one of my one-night stands years ago and slipped on some shorts. It’s a sunny day so I thought a quick walk would do me some good

before I head to the bar. I grabbed a work shirt to stick into my purse and headed out.

As I got downstairs, the quick walk along with my happy mood was tossed into the garbage when I saw Dad talking to someone at the door. I peeked and saw Logan…and Aimee.

Dad turned and glanced at me.

“Birdie, your friends just stopped by,” he said, not showing a sign of regret or terror from what happened last night. “Are you leaving or are they coming in?”

Dammit. He’s putting me on the spot.

“Is Matty up?” I asked.

“Excuse me,” Finn said, dragging it out as he slipped past Logan and Aimee and into the house. “Hey, beautiful. Looking extra sexy today.” He walked up the stairs, slapped my

ass and winked at me. “Don’t shoot me, Mr. Lennox.”

“I’ll shoot you myself,” Matty said walking down the stairs. “Don’t f-ucking touch my sister.”

“Language,” Dad said, rolling his eyes.

“Uh…I’m leaving,” I said grabbing my purse off the coat rack. “I would have stayed but Finn’s here.”

“I love you too,” Finn said to me.

“Bye, Dad.”