Dirty Letters(57)

Griffin didn’t ask what Doc and I had discussed. Nor did he pressure me to talk any more about what he’d proposed earlier that day. Instead, he gave me space, and we had a great night of sex and eating pizza in bed. After, we both dozed off, or so I thought.

It was about 2:00 a.m. when I stirred awake. My eyes fluttered open to find Griffin’s big brown ones watching me. He smiled.

“Is it creepy that I really like watching you sleep?”

My voice was raspy. “Sort of.”

He chuckled. “Did I wake you by creeping on you?”

I pushed back hair from my face. “I don’t think so. I think I just woke up because I have a lot on my mind. I tend to be a restless sleeper when something is bothering me.”

Griffin nodded. He didn’t need to ask what was weighing on me. Instead, he just leaned and brushed his lips against mine. “Anything I can do to help you sleep? Make you some warm milk or rub your back?”

“No, I’m good. Thank you.”

He wiggled his brows. “I hear strenuous exercise is a good method of inducing sleep.”

I smiled. “If that’s so, I should have slept for a week after the last few days.”

Griffin ran his thumb across my bottom lip. His touch was so tender that it made my insides melt. “Well, as long as you’re up,” he whispered, “can I tell you something that’s on my mind?”

“Sure. Of course.”

Griffin looked deep into my eyes. “I’m scared, Luca.”

I sat up on one elbow. “What are you scared of?”

“I’m scared that you don’t want anything from me. That you don’t need anything from me.”

My heart sank. “Oh God, Griff. You couldn’t be more wrong. I do want something from you.” I reached out and put my hand on his chest. “I want this. I want your heart.”

“But you don’t want to want it.”

God, I’d fucked this whole thing up. I had been so busy worrying about how afraid I was to take a chance that I never once stopped to think that maybe Griffin was nervous about falling in love, too. He’d been burned by women and friends and had his own doubts. Yet this beautiful man had still taken a leap of faith with me—telling me he loved me, rearranging his life to make his fit with mine. I had tons of doubts and fears, but I didn’t doubt his intentions or that he wanted to be with me. And that was because Griffin didn’t just tell me he loved me—he’d shown me in so many ways.

I needed to do the same—show him that I loved him. Taking a deep breath, I decided I wanted to be a lovebird.

“Let’s do it. I’ll go with you on the trip.”

Griffin’s face lit up. “You mean it?”

I nodded. “I’m terrified of what might happen—the panic that might hit me. But I’m more terrified of letting you walk out the door tomorrow without at least trying to make it work. You already have my heart, Griff. If you leave without me, you’ll just be taking it with you, and I’ll be empty inside.”

Griffin grabbed me and pulled me into a bear hug. He spoke with his head buried in my neck. “I love you, baby. Thank you. I promise I’ll do everything in my power to make sure you don’t regret making this decision.”

I knew the words he spoke were true. I just didn’t know if him doing everything in his power was enough to make it work between us.



We’d dropped Hortencia off at the farm that she normally stayed at whenever I was away.

Griffin was packing the SUV he’d rented when I ventured to my room and snuck a phone call in to Doc. I only had a few minutes before we would be taking to the road. Since we planned to drive in the middle of the night, it was late, but I’d told Doc to expect my call.

He picked up on the first ring. “Have you left yet?”

“We’re just about ready to leave. I wanted to touch base before I got into the car.”

“Of course. How are you feeling?”

I breathed into the phone. “Anxious.”

“To be expected . . .”

“After our conversation yesterday, I felt like I owed it to myself to take the chance on this trip, but I’m still wondering if I’m making a huge mistake. It’s a long time to be away from home, several locations . . . a lot of opportunities for disaster . . . I—”

“Luca . . . ,” he interrupted. “What is the number one rule that we always talk about?”

I had to think about it for a moment, then answered, “Staying in the present.”

“Yes. If you stay in the present moment and not go where your mind is trying to lead you, then you will always be safe. There is safety in the now. Right now, you are in your bedroom talking to me. And that is all there really is. Your worries stem from past experiences and fear of the future. Neither the past nor the future is real. Only the present exists. If you stick to this mantra, you will be okay in anything you do. If you can only remember one thing on your trip, remember to stay present. Listen to the sound of the car moving, focus on the raindrops, taste the delicious food that I’m sure Griffin will feed you. Practice those mindfulness tools.”

“Okay. I’ll try. But please be on standby for some calls in case I need you.”

“Always, my dear. And for the record, I’m incredibly proud of you for taking this step.”