Dirty Letters(56)

“How about if we take it one day at a time, then? Just go with me for one night. Don’t plan to stay two. After day one is done, you can decide how you feel about the next day. I can drive you back at any point.”

“I don’t know, Griff. You have a schedule. You don’t have time to run your agoraphobic girlfriend home if she becomes a basket case.”

I felt like I was starting to lose the battle. “Don’t worry about my time. A relationship is about give and take. You’ll be going outside of your comfort zone for me because I want you with me, and if I need to take a day and run you home, then that’s what we’ll do. My mum used to have a saying about relationships. To be honest, I never quite understood it, but I think that it’s because I never had a real relationship before.”

“What was the saying?”

“She used to say, What comes easy won’t last long, and what lasts long won’t come easy.”

Luca smiled sadly. “Your mom was a smart woman.”

“She was.” I cupped my girl’s cheeks. “So what do you say? Will you give it a try? We’ll start with one day and see how we do.”

She looked back and forth between my eyes. I could see the sheer terror in her face. But I knew we could make it work together. She wrapped her hand around my wrist while I held her face. “Can I think about it?”

Just then the doorbell rang. The timing couldn’t have been more perfect.

“Oh God. I’m not dressed, and I wasn’t expecting any company.”

“I’m expecting company.” I cradled Luca in my arms and stood, taking her with me. “Go put some clothes on. I borrowed your phone to call Doc. I invited him over.”

Her brows furrowed. “Doc? Why?”

I kissed her nose before setting her down on the floor. “Because I knew you would need someone to talk to about what I just asked you.”

Luca graced me with a real smile this time. She pushed up on her toes. “I really do love you, Griffin.”

“I love you, too. Now go get dressed so you can talk through stuff with Birdman, and we can get back to our plans for tonight.”

“Plans?”

“You’ve forgotten so soon? Drinking, fucking, and naked pizza in bed.”





CHAPTER 23

LUCA


“I think this is a very good opportunity for you to continue your desensitization therapy, Luca.”

Doc and I walked side by side through the woods. It was a little chilly today, so I had a light jacket on. My trusty therapist, on the other hand, had a crew neck Christmas sweater on with a cartoon picture of Jesus holding up two fingers in a peace sign. It read LET’S PARTY BECAUSE IT’S THE BIG GUY’S BIRTHDAY. Doc kept his off-season clothes in the trunk of his car, since his tiny house didn’t have much storage room. Apparently that was the first thing he could grab for our walk.

“I know, but I don’t think our relationship is ready for this. It’s so new . . . we’ve only just met in person for the first time less than a month ago. What if I can’t hack it and have a bad panic attack and it . . . it scares him away?”

Doc stopped and looked at me. “Let me ask you something. Does the fact that you’ve only met in person a short time ago make your feelings for Griffin any less real?”

“Well, no . . .”

“Okay. So how you got to the place you are now in your relationship is irrelevant. I’ll admit your circumstances are a little unique—but you’ve gotten to know this man over more than a decade. It’s not like you’re jumping into something with a stranger. I’m assuming you’re in love with him?”

I sighed. “I am. Very much so.”

“Well, then you need to find out if you can make this life together work. It sounds to me like he’s willing to bend as much as he can to figure it out. Wouldn’t it be worse if you got even closer than you already are and then discovered that you couldn’t fit into each other’s lives?”

“I guess . . .”

“Let me tell you about the agapornis.”

“The what?”

“The African parrot—we call them lovebirds.”

“Oh. Okay. What about them?”

Doc extended his hand for me to start walking through the wooded path again. He liked to tell his stories as we strolled. “Most people think of lovebirds as the bird that your sweetheart gives you for Valentine’s Day as a romantic gesture—because they mate for life. But they actually don’t need to pair up and mate in order to survive. The lovebird requires companionship, and that bonding can come from a human if there isn’t another bird available. We’re a lot like the lovebirds. You don’t need to pair up in order to live. In fact, I’m sure you’d survive just fine spending the rest of your days with only Hortencia by your side. But when the lovebirds pair up into a monogamous relationship, they become calmer and more stable.”

“Are you saying that I’d be calmer in a relationship?”

“I am, Luca. It’s not uncommon for people with panic disorders to alienate themselves like you have. They try to hide the condition to avoid shame or fear of having a panic attack in front of others. This is why a support network is so important. Once you see that people you love and trust accept you for who you are and don’t judge you, you’ll be more likely to take some risks that could result in others outside of your network seeing your panicked state. Allowing a loved one in is the next logical step for you. You’ve made wonderful progress with me over the last few years, but together we can only go so far. You need to now decide to take a chance.”