Cross Her Heart(36)

‘I don’t think I’ll ever trust a friend again,’ I say. It’s an awful thought, dark and lonely, but how could I get so close to another person now? How could anyone fill the hole Lisa has left in my life? ‘And the worst part is,’ I say without looking at him, ‘there are moments when I really miss her.’

I pull myself together and straighten my shoulders. I didn’t come out here to cry about my own miserable lot. ‘We all have our own shit to deal with in this. Penny, me, you. But what we have to remember is that it’s none of our fault. That’s what I keep telling myself. When I feel everyone looking at me funny. It’s not my fault.’ I meet his eyes. ‘And it’s definitely not the fault of all those people who are excited at the prospect of a long-term contract with a weekly wage packet. None of this makes you a bastard or an idiot. This is a one in a million situation. A one in thirty million situation. This is not something you can plan for. We were just unlucky for being in Lisa’s world.’

‘Charlotte’s world,’ he says.

‘No,’ I’m adamant. ‘Lisa’s. She may not have been real, but she was real to us. The fact that you liked her doesn’t make you a bastard. But taking out how you feel about yourself on all those strangers? That would.’ I let a moment of silence hang between us. ‘Anyway, that’s all I wanted to say.’ I’m tired and bruised and I don’t even know why I’m out here. ‘You do whatever you’ve got to do.’

I turn and head towards the building.

‘Marilyn?’

I look back at him.

‘I’ll think about it, okay?’

They all look at me when I get back to my desk, but I ignore them as if I’ve just been to the loo or something. My steel plating is back on, but I’m lighter for having talked to Simon. To know that someone else is feeling at least a little of what I am.

Penny calls me to her office after lunch. Up close under the bright lights I’m surprised at how tired she looks, but I don’t comment. Glass houses and stones.

‘Thank you,’ she says. I don’t have to ask for what. The relief is palpable.

‘It was nothing.’

Penny nods towards the door. ‘How is it out there?’

‘Gossipy,’ I say. ‘Pretty much as you’d expect. It’ll calm down.’

There were more homemade cakes today – we’re a team, we must all pull together – and although Julia could maybe still pass as a twenty-something, she’s taking on the mother role with the others since I’m now an outsider. Stacey has pulled in closer to Toby, who’s oh so happy to look after her. At least Stacey showed some sadness. She’s sweet enough to be able to say, ‘But I liked her,’ out loud and have nobody judge her. It’s the power of youth, I suppose. No one will give me that leeway. I’m too old. Past it. I should have known better.

‘I still can’t get my head around it,’ Penny says. She’s been so busy firefighting, she probably hasn’t had any time to think until now.

‘Tell me about it.’ I smile at her. Maybe she’s realising now that it’s no different for me. In fact, it’s worse for me. I’m the one next to the empty desk, a desk I was so keen to have alongside mine when we were planning the new office layout. She doesn’t look at me, but instead stares at the door as if she can see through it to the others.

‘I bet it was her who stole the petty cash,’ she says sharply.

My mouth opens and closes like a goldfish. In all this, I’d forgotten what Lisa had seen at the party. What she’d told me the last time I saw her. What she thought about Julia. Had it all been a cover? Had it been Lisa who’d been stealing all along?

‘Maybe,’ I say, but my disagreement slithers inside me. ‘But then why did it only start going missing now?’

Penny gives me a sharp glance. ‘Maybe I only started to notice now. Things have been hectic.’

‘True,’ I concede quickly. ‘And it was Ava’s sixteenth birthday and I know she bought her expensive presents. She always does.’ Poor Ava. Has she told Lisa? I wonder what she’s going to do and I wish I could talk to her. I wish I’d said something that last night. Gone to her room and spoken to her instead of pretending I hadn’t seen it.

Penny’s gaze softens now I’m onside. There’s no way I’m going to mention the ‘Julia suspicions’. I don’t have the energy for more conflict and why should I consider defending Lisa? I’m here on my own while she’s headed off to another new name and new life. No doubt where she’ll make another mug of a best friend, ignorant that she’s a child-killer.

And not just any child, I remind myself. Her own two-year-old brother. Eleven is old enough to know what you’re doing. My best friend was a monster. My anger takes hold again and it’s a good feeling. A rush of energy that gives me strength.

‘Do you fancy grabbing a glass of wine later?’ I ask. ‘The old pub we used to go to?’ I haven’t been for a drink with Penny in ages – not since she decided to expand the business. She’s quite caustically funny after half a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc and I could use a good laugh.

‘Oh, I can’t.’ Her eyes slip away and discomfort radiates out from her. ‘I’ve still got so much to do.’