Cross Her Heart(35)
Today is Tuesday though, and not a day for dark thoughts. Today is a different kind of knot in her stomach. Not the slicing pain of her worries, but bubbles like Babycham. Tuesday is his day. Ten minutes of bright colour in the bland greys of her life.
This time, when he comes in for his flyers, he lingers a little at the desk. She can’t bring herself to look at him directly as he tries to make polite conversation and she nods and mutters her answers while worrying at a strand of hair behind her hot ear. She can see Mr Burton watching from his office. He’s not concerned though, or annoyed. He’s smiling indulgently. Like he’s known this was coming, which is a shock because she didn’t know at all. He asks her then, when the tension between them has become almost unbearable. Nothing big. Just would she like to go for a drink sometime. Fireworks go off in her head. He doesn’t ask her for dinner and she’s glad about that. That would be too much and she’s not sure she’d know how to do ‘going out for dinner’. A drink is fine. She’s done that before with Annie, who comes in on a Saturday to help. Her skin burns bright as a beacon as she nods. Her blush fits into the colours of the world. He smiles and his eyes light up and they set a time for Friday.
She doesn’t stop smiling for the rest of the day. These are all new cells, she tells herself. It’s the start of a new century. She needs to embrace the gift of her new life. New beginnings. For the first time in such a long time, she feels happy.
30
NOW
MARILYN
Simon Manning’s a charmer, not like Toby wants to be, but the kind of man who smiles because on a subconscious level he knows how to make other people feel good. At ease. It’s a rare skill. But today, when he comes out of Penny’s office, every crease in his face is visible. He doesn’t look at anyone, although he must know all our eyes are on him. It wasn’t a scheduled meeting. Penny would have booked a meeting room to keep it out of the way of prying eyes as best she could. He’s caught her unawares with this visit.
He’s already in the lift by the time I make my sudden dash to go after him, but the second one is empty and waiting and on our floor. I grab it and hit the ground-floor button. The doors take an age to close and my heart thumps. I’ll probably miss him. I don’t know what I’m going to say if I do catch up with him, but I need to say something. The lift pings and I rush out and across the shiny tiled floor to the rotating doors.
‘Wait!’
He’s about to get into his car when I stop him. It’s a sleek Jaguar. The kind of car Richard would love. Richard would hate Simon Manning. He’s everything Richard would want to be. Charming. Rugged. Successful. Please God don’t let Richard be watching me today. Don’t let him see this.
‘Wait!’ I say again and he turns. I feel like I might burst into tears. Chasing after him has made my ribs ache and I’m so tired of keeping up this front of cool calm. As if everything is A-okay. If anyone can understand how I feel, it’s going to be Simon. He’s had a sliver of it. Inside. A splinter of dirt that’s wormed its way in.
‘I’ve got to get to a meeting,’ he says.
‘Bullshit.’ The word’s out before I can stop it, but fuck it. If he’s taking his business from PKR, then he’s taking it. My swearing isn’t going to change that. ‘I don’t blame you for not wanting to hang around here – God knows it’s no fun for me right now – but don’t bullshit me. You’ve got time to talk.’
‘I really do have to be somewhere.’
‘Are you cancelling the contract with us?’ My stare is as direct as my question and he has the good grace to look uncomfortable. ‘Because if you are, it’s not fair. It’s not fair on Penny, it’s not fair on the company and it’s not fair on all those people on our books who were looking forward to a decent working contract. It’s tough for them out there. A lot of them are people who’ve fallen through the cracks. And to be fair to Lisa, she—’
‘To be fair to Lisa?’ His eyes are wide and I’m not sure if it’s shock or anger or both and I cringe at my own words.
‘I mean in this context. A lot of those people wouldn’t have been taken on by anyone else. She fought for them. Persuaded them to take all the free courses. And they’ve become some of our most reliable workers.’ I pause, the heat in me draining away. ‘Look,’ I say. ‘I know you liked her. I know you guys had been flirting for a while and she told me about your dinner date.’ I see the flash of anger in his eyes as if I’m about to blackmail him and I hold my hands up in supplication. ‘I have no intention of telling anyone. Trust me, I don’t want to talk about her at all.’ Tears sting my eyes. ‘Because I’m not actually sure how to. Ten years of friendship have been ripped away from me and I feel like she’s fucking died or something, and yet everyone is looking at me as if I should somehow have known, like she maybe even told me or something. But Jesus, how could I have known something like that? Who thinks a real person can do something like that?’
He slumps back against his car as I wipe the threatening tears away. ‘I always pride myself on not being conned,’ he says quietly. ‘I can smell it coming, you know? I’ve got a past myself. I can sense a conman. It’s why I’m good at what I do. I can read people. But this time … I didn’t think … I feel like a fool.’ He’s bitter, that much is clear. His mind has fast-forwarded through all the what if’s. What if he’d married her and this had come out? What would it have done to his business? Everything he’d worked so hard for? Would she have told him? How would he have felt if he’d fallen in love with her? What if, what if, what if.