Connected (Connections, #1)(74)

Pain flashes through me at Xander’s words. Am I really to blame for their sister’s accident? Should I have told River the truth when I first met him? Couldn’t I have just stuck around and told him the truth about Ben then? Would it have mattered? My head is spinning and I may be sick again.

Xander smiles sadly, his eyes glassy as he looks from his brother to me. “Dahlia, once again I’m sorry. It has been a shitty day and I took it out on you.”

Then looking back to River he puts his hand on his shoulder, but River flinches back. “Bro, I’ll call you tomorrow.” And with that, he turns and leaves us in the bathroom.

River walks back to me as tears fill my eyes again. Swiping my fingers under my eyes, I scrunch my forehead and purse my lips. “You should’ve been the one to tell me, not him,” I yell, pointing to the door, not in anger, but more because I am upset.

He stops in front of me and swallows. Exhaling a shaky breath, he looks into my eyes and gently cups my cheeks before whispering, “Dahlia that’s not how I wanted our relationship to start,” but I pull away before he can even finish. I don’t want his touch or his charm to cloud my judgment about where we stand with each other in light of the information I have just learned.

I stare back into his eyes as he flinches at my sudden movement. They are now hazy, no longer gleaming. “River,” I say a little softer, feeling the need to make sure he knows that an omission is still a lie. “I didn’t want our relationship to start like this either, but hiding things from me . . . I can’t, I won’t be in a relationship like that, but what’s more . . . what does this mean for us?” I manage to say this, feeling bad about the meaning behind my words before they even come out. But a lie is a lie, regardless of why it was told or how it was hidden. This I know well. I experienced it with Ben just that one time and it almost ended our relationship. But this time, with River, I seem to be more concerned about what this hidden secret will do to our relationship, than the actual secret itself.

He stands there, shaking his head. “I was going to tell you, but the right time just hadn’t happened yet.”

Averting my eyes from his, with a shaky breath I manage, “I need some air.”

I walk past him, through the dimly lit bar, and out the doors into the chill of the night. There is a cool breeze in the air, sending a shiver down my spine. As I walk to nowhere I know this time the shiver isn’t from his touch. Instead, it’s from the secret he kept from me. It’s from the cold of the night.

There are still so many people walking the quaint streets we languidly stepped down when we arrived, but the happiness I felt then is gone. The people seem to be more hurried as well. They are huddling together, almost rushing in and out of the many bars and restaurants that line the street.

November in California isn’t usually this cold, but the dampness seems to warn of impending rain. Glancing upward in hopes of seeing some light, finding some answers, all I see are thick clouds covering any stars that I might have seen. They only allow a glimpse of the moon’s slight crescent-shaped glow and provide no guidance. Looking ahead instead of up because I know I will find no comfort from the sky tonight, I continue to walk, clutching my own body to keep warm and wondering why life has to be so complicated.

“Here, put this on,” he says, taking his jacket off and wrapping it around my bare shoulders. He walks close to me, but doesn’t touch me. “If you want to go home, the car is the other way.” Maybe I’m not as sober as I thought.

Stopping, I turn to look at him. We are toe to toe. With tears in my eyes, I say words I don’t really want to say but know I have to. “River, I think it’s time for me to go back home.”

Slumping, he closes his eyes and whispers, “Not like this. Not until we talk about everything.”

My heart breaks as I look at him but I know I have to go. “I need some time to think River. I can’t do that here.”

His eyes snap to mine, and his voice cracks in anger. “What happened to my sister has nothing to do with us. You going home and thinking isn’t going to change that or even make you understand.”

Looking at him, I hear him but choose to ignore his words. I need time to think and not in my drunken state. “I can call Aerie or Serena to come pick me up if you don’t want to take me home.” Then, remembering I didn’t bring my phone, I ask, “Can I use your phone?”

River breaks, ignoring my request; his voice grows louder than he has ever spoken to me before. “Dahlia, are you listening to me? That shit that just happened in there, that’s Xander’s life.” Motioning his finger from me to him, he continues, “I am not going to let someone’s misconceived course of events change this.”

Grabbing my shoulders with his hands, he says, “You can’t just say you are leaving. You can’t leave me again.”

I shrug out of his grip, and sway slightly as I take a step. “That’s the point River, I’m not leaving you again. I never left you five years ago because I wasn’t with you.” Tears are uncontrollably sliding down my face, my teeth are chattering, and I am freezing but I continue with what must be said. “I met a guy at a bar that I was attracted to and before things got out of hand I left. Now I find out that some unmentionable horror happened to your family because of my actions and you think we’re going to be okay?”