Connected (Connections, #1)(73)

I grab the tequila shot that he poured for himself from the middle of the table and down it. Hoping the quick gulp of this mind numbing liquid will give me the ability to free myself from this hell. Then, finally able to stand without fear of stumbling, I give River one last glance before leaving this uncomfortable situation. I am feeling sick and need to get out of here. He stops singing and quickly removes his guitar strap from his shoulder. I know Xander must be pretty near rip-roaring drunk, but I’m surprised when he suddenly grips my bare arm, preventing me from walking away. With his eyes burning into me, he says, "Have you had enough? Because there’s more to tell."

“Excuse me. I need to use the restroom,” I manage, not able to listen to another word. I take off for the bathroom without even glancing at River again. Barely making it to the bathroom in time, I kneel on the floor, lift the seat, and try not to lean my head against it. The room is spinning as I heave into the toilet. When I think my stomach is finally empty, I sit back on my heels for a minute to steady myself. Once the spinning has stopped I stand up and make my way to the sink for the cool water I so desperately need.

Leaning against the counter with my head down in the sink, my senses start to return. I wonder why River didn’t tell me everything himself and how he could possibly think this information wouldn’t impact us. His brother harbors resentment towards me and I’m sure his family must as well. Hearing the door open, I already know who it is. As I look in the mirror and see his reflection all I can do is cry uncontrollably.

Coming over to me, he turns me around and grabs my face with both hands. He looks into my eyes, unaware of the information I already know. “Dahlia, are you okay? Are you sick? Did something happen with Xander?” he asks these questions without pausing for me to answer. Concern is clear in his voice.

I shake my head no but mean yes. I’m not crying because I’m sick. I’m crying because I might very well be the cause of somebody's life being drastically changed. “Why didn’t you tell me?” I hoarsely whisper while trying to urge myself to stop crying.

“Tell you what? What are you talking about?” he asks, not knowing that his brother has basically told me I am responsible for their sister’s messed up life.

“About your sister!” I say surprised by the hardness in my own voice.

“Christ! What the hel . . .” he starts to say. With his face so close to mine, I’m sure he can smell the alcohol mixed with vomit on my breath.

Before he says anything else, the bathroom door opens and Xander is standing there. River turns around, but Xander doesn’t move towards us. He stays in the doorway, slightly swaying, bracing it to help balance him in his inebriated state.

Surprising me with his ability to articulate his words in his drunken state, he looks directly at me. “I’m sorry I was the one that told you, but you had to know.”

River’s eyes narrow at Xander. “What the hell did you tell her?”

I’m not usually one that invites conflict, so I feel startled by the hostility River is channeling toward this brother.

“It wasn’t an unspoken vow of secrecy, and she needed to know,” he answers in a much more humble tone than he has had all night.

My drunken state is quickly evaporating as I look at Xander blankly, perhaps a little confused. He was so angry with me before and now he’s apologizing?

River’s face is pale as he looks at me with understanding of what Xander has told me. Then running his fingers through his hair, he steps closer to Xander as he continues with his explanation. “What I told you about Bell, those are my demons. I just wanted someone else to blame for once and there you were after all these years.”

River is much closer to Xander now and with anger in his voice says, “Just shut up Xander. Shut the f*ck up.”

“Sorry man, but she had to know.”

River slams his fist into the stall door nearest to Xander. “It wasn’t your place to tell her!”

He doesn’t even flinch from River’s close punch.

Stepping the one step between them, Xander says, “You’re right, and River I know you aren’t going to believe this, but I want you to be happy. I know you think you just met this girl but to me you’ve known her way longer. I know how you are. I don’t want you to f*ck this up because of your need to always protect women because of . . .”

It seems that Xander has struck a nerve with River because he cuts him off before he can finish his thought. “You don’t think I know that you harbor guilt about Bell. I do! But that’s your guilt not mine. I let that go a long time ago. Bell is happy with her life. It’s you that’s not happy with her life and as for how you see my needs, you’re wrong.”

I am watching these two brothers tear each other apart over their sister. It is both heart-breaking and heart-warming that they love her so much to care so deeply.

Stammering with more to say, Xander shakes his head, pointing his finger at River. “You think I don’t know that you hide your guilt on the inside. You can pretend you are happy with how Bell’s life turned out but I know different.”

Then he smiles sadly as he says, “You aren’t even the one who should feel guilty. A long time ago you asked me to, no not even, I told you that I would take Bell home so you could find this girl,” he says, pointing to me and then continuing, “You didn’t then, but you have now, so don’t let me or Bell or anyone else screw it up for you, but most of all, don’t let yourself screw it up.”