Clap When You Land(51)
to obtain a copy of my birth certificate, to make a copy of her marriage record that shows she is legally my stepmother.
We spend hours in the rental car
driving from here to there & back, Yahaira sleeping in at home or helping Tía.
Zoila & I speak little on these trips, but when I’m humming along to a song, she turns up the radio.
& when her face was red from heat in the clinic waiting room,
I used a magazine to fan it.
It is awkward, these familial ties & breaks we share.
But we are muddling through it. With Yahaira brokering our silence when she can. & by letting the hurt between us soothe itself quiet when she can’t.
I dress nicely for the consular agency in Puerto Plata.
I tug on my graduation dress, that was my priest meeting dress, that is now my visa interview dress. I am clothed in beginnings & endings. A lucky & unlucky garment.
But isn’t every life adorned with both?
We will see what this black brings me today.
Zoila sits in the interview room with me as her cousin asks me questions.
When he asks about school, I tell him I want to study premed at Columbia.
The consular officer tells us
it will take a couple of days to process, but he shakes my hand warmly & gives Zoila a wink.
My mother & Camino leave the house every day preparing for her visa appointment.
I let them spend the hours without me.
I do not want to be a crutch for either of them to use to hobble.
Instead, I spend time in Tía’s garden,
& think of Dre with her tomato plants.
Twice Carline has come over, once with the baby,
strapped to her chest.
He is a small boy, & when I stroked his cheek
he opened his eyelids & stared at me.
This made Carline gasp. She told me the baby is five weeks old, & she’s been scared this whole time he would not make it.
But his steady gaze on mine makes me believe
this babe was born a warrior & he isn’t going anywhere.
One morning, after Mami & Camino climbed into the Prius, I walked down to her beachfront. Glancing sideways to make sure I was not being followed, although I felt like I was being watched, I stood at the water’s edge. I could imagine my father here.
This wide world of trees, & rocks, & water: a kingdom he presided over. I could imagine him a boy, in chancletas & a small T-shirt running here to dive, & climb trees, & imagine a great big world.
I skim my feet in the water, with my face stroked by the sun & pretend it is my father hands on my skin saying sorry I love you welcome home goodbye.
I forgive you. I forgive you. I forgive you.
Say the waves. Say I.
The night after the consular visit, Yahaira tells me she has someone she wants me to meet.
& since she can’t possibly know anyone in this callejón that I don’t, I know she means in the United States.
“I’m excited to meet your friends when I get there,”
I say politely. Ever since the night with El Cero it’s been more difficult to be snarky with her.
She shakes her head.
“I want you to meet her before we arrive,
& she wants to meet you too. My girlfriend, Dre.”
She says this firmly. Looking me in the eye.
& I know what she thinks. I will condemn her for being gay. Homosexuality is complicated here.
I look at her right back. “We should video-chat with her.”
& she pulls out her phone, presses a name
from the speed-dial screen.
Soon, a dark-skinned girl with short hair fills the screen.
She smiles with all her teeth when she sees Yahaira.
“Hey, baby! Two calls in one day! Lucky me.”
Yahaira turns the phone a bit so the girl & I are face-to-face.
I pull back in surprise. Not because of this girl, Dre.
But because it’s the first time I’ve seen our faces like this, side by side, almost pressed against each other.
I clear my throat, suddenly nervous; this is someone my sister loves. If she does not love me my sister might not either.
“Hello, Dre,” I say; my English sounds a bit rusty.
Dre answers back, & asks me how I’m doing
in excellent Spanish. Thank God she speaks it.
Then she surprises me completely by changing locations.
I follow her via the screen as she walks into a bedroom, then pulls away a grate that covers a window.
Yahaira whispers to me, “She wants to show you something on the fire escape. She loves to grow things.”
When the body holding the phone heaves through the window, I hear the loudness of honking cars & people yelling.
The screen flips so I see a planter against a railing, then the little green buds aiming toward the sky.
Dre’s face again fills the screen. “Yahaira told me your aunty is a healer & that sometimes you help. I thought starting you a little herb garden might help make you feel more at home.”
Moisture stings my eyes & I nod at Dre.
Then lean over to Yahaira, fake whispering in English, “Where did you find her?
& is there a clone of her somewhere that I could marry?”