Children of Virtue and Vengeance (Legacy of Orïsha #2)(89)

“H?ken?rīnusaī.” Ro?n gestures to my bedroom door. He drags behind me, forever-vigilant eyes falling to a soft close. The night’s adventure has more than taken its toll, but despite our hours together, I still don’t want him to go.

“What does that mean?” I ask.

“Welcome back.”

“H?ken?rī-nusaī,” I repeat, making his sleepy eyes widen. “Am I messing it up?”

He shakes his head. “It’s just been years since anyone sounded like home.”

His words wash over me like a cool breeze as I lean my shoulder against the door. Go in, I think to myself. Let this be the end. But when Ro?n nestles against the wall, I find myself standing still. He reaches up, fingers brushing my ear as he plays with a wet coil of my hair.

“Are you coming with us tomorrow?”

I nod, though I wish it weren’t true. “I can’t send Tzain in there alone. Amari will eat him alive. And even if Mári and Bimpe don’t want to follow me, I took a vow. I failed to protect Mazeli from this war. I have to do what I can to protect them.”

Ro?n traces his fingers down the slope of my neck and his touch erases every other thought. His caress sends a shiver through my chest. I dig my nails into my palm, fighting the part of me that wants to sink into him. I still can’t believe what I saw tonight. Everything he did just to make me smile.

After Baba died, I didn’t think anyone would care about me like that again.

“You know, you’re not half as heartless as you pretend to be.”

“I wish that were true.” Ro?n trails his thumb across my collarbone, bringing it to my lower lip when I frown. “You were hoping to hear something else?”

I exhale and look away. “I fell for a monster once. I can’t do that to myself again.”

My stomach clenches as he cups the back of my neck, drawing me closer to him. His gaze drops to my lips and I find myself holding my breath.

“Your mistake wasn’t falling for a monster, Z?tsōl. It was falling for the wrong one.”

“Are you supposed to be the right one?”

Ro?n smiles, but it doesn’t hold any joy. “I’ve never been the right anything.”

Something in my chest deflates when he meets my forehead with a soft kiss. He releases me and turns around, walking down the hall.

Let him go, I will myself. I already know the pain of giving my heart to someone I can never trust. But with each step he takes, everything inside me wants him to stop.

“Ro?n, wait.” I speak the words though they make my hands shake. I walk toward him, fighting the part of me that wants to run the other way.

“Stay with me.” I reach for his hand, grazing his fingers with my own. “Be with me. Even if it’s wrong.”

I gasp as Ro?n’s cold hands grab the sides of my face. His body presses against my own, lips meeting mine as my back hits the wood of my door. He doesn’t kiss me like I’ve lost pieces of my heart. He doesn’t kiss me like we’re marching into battle. He kisses me like he’s never going to let go.

Like we have all the time in the world.

“Z?tsōl.” His forehead presses against mine and his honeyed scent fills my every breath. The thought of Inan crosses my mind, but it’s not enough to hold me back.

All we had were lies and broken promises. Dreams we could never achieve. With Ro?n there are no facades. Only reality.

My door swings open as I surrender to his touch. To the feel of his lips against my ear. He makes me lose myself in his arms, stealing the air from my lungs with every caress.

“Is this okay?” he whispers.

My breath hitches as he squeezes my waist, hands lingering at the hem of my tunic. I nod and mirror his actions, my own fingers traveling up the sculpted muscles of his abdomen.

“Keep going,” I whisper, urging him on. My skin burns at his touch. I breathe in as he pulls me close, fingers trailing up my back—

In a breath, a searing pain shoots through my skin. My own screams echo in my head. My scars prickle beneath Ro?n’s hands.

I flinch and push Ro?n back, hyperventilating as the world unravels around me. Though I fight it, I see Saran’s face. I feel his knife digging into my flesh.

“Did I do something wrong?” Ro?n tries to touch my hand, but I pull it back. I scramble to the far wall, putting as much space between us as I can.

Everything I fight forces its way out, spinning out of my control. I hear Mazeli’s voice. I feel Inan’s touch. I smell Baba’s blood as it pours out of his chest.

“I’m sorry.” Ro?n steps away, fear creeping over the confusion on his face. I feel the part of me that wants to explain, but I keep it inside. The last time someone was this close to my heart, he didn’t just stab me in the back. He took the people I love. He left me with wounds that will never heal.

“You should go,” I whisper.

“What’s going on?” Ro?n’s brows crease. “Talk to me. We don’t have to do anything. Z?tsōl, that’s not why I care about you—”

“Well, I don’t care about you!” The words sting coming out of my mouth. But I know it’s all I have. The only weapon that can keep Ro?n away.

“You’re just a mercenary.” I shake my head. “Just a monster for hire. At least Inan was a king. At least he believed in something!”