Breath of Scandal(74)
"No, worse. I was afraid you might point an accusing finger and start screaming rape."
"I tried that once, and it didn't do any good." "Your contempt is justified."
"Why, thank you, Lamar. I'm glad I have your approval. "
"I didn't mean that the way it sounded." He lowered his head and stared at the floor, expelling a deep breath.
"I think you'd better go."
"I still haveif t said what I came to say." She gave him a level stare that demanded he not postpone it any longer. "I want you to understand why ... why I had to go along with them that night. At that time in our lives, Hutch would do anything Neal told him to. Besides, I think Hutch had a crush on you."
"How dare you dignify rape as being something romantic." She lowered her arms to her sides, her hands forming fists. "The only difference between what you did to me and murder is that I'm still alive. And if Neal had told you and Hutch to kill me, I'd probably be dead."
His eyes begged her for tolerance. "Everything you've said is true, Jade. It was a crime, a violent act of retribution aimed at Gary for besting Neal in that fight at the Dairy Barn. At least to Neal it was. And he was always mouthing about how high and mighty you acted around him. I think he resented that you preferred Gary over him. To Hutch . . ." He shrugged. "I have my theories, but only Hutch knows why he went along."
He paused and took a deep breath. "For me, it was a test of manhood. I had to prove to them and to myself that I was a man. Unfortunately, it didn't work."
Jade glanced at him sharply. He raised his head and looked directly into her eyes. "I'm a homosexual, Jade." He gave a scoffing laugh. "I believe I am a classic case
study-weak father, domineering mother. My suspicions about myself weren't confirmed until after my morally de-
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Sandra Brown
Breath of Scandal
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praved freshman year of college, when I facked plenty, but didn't enjoy it very much.
"Tie following summer I met a man in Palmetto. He taught at the junior high until he was discovered fondling one of his students in the boys' restroom. My mother couldn't have guessed how shattered I was when she called to catch me up on local gossip and told me the whole sordid story about my lover. I guess he got his kicks initiating young converts like me. Anyway, he went back east somewhere. My first love affair ended in tragedy."
"So did mine."
"Yeah," he said quietly, looking away. "I attracted new friends and lovers at school. One became jealous of my sexual activities with women during Neal's bacchanals. I participated because I didn't want Neal to find out about me. God forbid that my mother ever does. She'd probably sic the Klan on me. Can you imagine what her reaction would be to learning that the Cowan family tree will die because her son is a queer?"
Graham might be a Cowan, but Myrajane would never know it.
"I haven't come out of the closet yet," Lamar confessed. "But, after seeing you today, I wanted you to know. I thought it might help explain why I did what I did."
For several moments Jade regarded him with smoldering contempt. "You didn't come here to explain anything for my benefit, Lamar. You confessed your dark sin because you want me to absolve you. Well, you're out of luck. Your sexual preference doesn't justify rape.
"You didn't just violate me, you caused Gary's death. Even if I could forgive you for the first offense, I sure as hell won't pardon you for the second. No, Lamar, as long as I live, I'll hold a grudge.
"Until I saw you this morning, I was under the misconception that time had anesthetized me. Then there you were, and it all came rushing back, as horrendously vivid as ever. I was on my back in the cold mud again, begging the three of you not to do it." Her eyes narrowed dangerously. "I'll
never forget it, and as long as I remember it, you will remain unforgiven. "
He stared at a spot beyond her shoulder. The handsome features of his face were drawn with sadness and resignation. Finally his eyes swung back to her. "That's what I figured you would say. I thought-hoped-it was worth a try. " He turned toward the door, but paused and came back around. "I don't suppose it would do any good to add that I'm sorry."
"No. I I
Dejectedly, he nodded his head and went out, pulling the door closed behind him. Jade rushed to the door and quickly locked it. She pressed her forehead against the hard wood until it hurt. Their taunting words echoed inside her head. Neal had held her arms and goaded Lamar into taking his turn. Hutch, panting from his recent exertion, called Lamar a faggot for being squeamish. Covering her ears, Jade turned her back to the door and slid down its cool surface until her bottom touched the floor. She bent her head over her raised knees and, just as she had that night, she moaned plaintively, "No, please don't."
But Lamar had done it anyway and had seemed extremely proud of himself afterward. How dare he come to her now, airing his guilty conscience, revealing his tormenting secret, and asking her forgiveness?
To him it must appear that she had survived the incident and was doing well. He didn't know that, even after months of therapy, she was incapable of accepting or returning a man's affection. That night had been imprinted on her soul as indelibly as a birthmark. She would never be rid of it. It was a life sentence that she couldn't ask anyone else to share, especially not someone as precious to her as Hank.