Breath of Scandal(147)

Jade gazed out across her front yard. Through the dense branches of the trees, moonlight cast patterned shadows on the grass. Crickets chirped. The breeze smelled faintly of seawater.

"I wish my mother knew about what I did today." There was no bitterness in her voice, only wishful thinking. "I've never heard you mention your parents. What happened to them?"

"You'll wish you never asked." Jade spent the next halfhour telling him about her awkward relationship with her mother. She told him about her father's suicide and how differently it had impacted the two women. Hewas dismayed to hear that Velta had held Jade partially responsible for the rape.

"You're wrong," he told her when she concluded with Velta's desertion. "I'm glad I know. I'm also glad I never had an opportunity to meet your mother."

"All my life, I wanted her to love me. She never did. She was unhappy when I came along, and it never got any better. "

"Truth be known, she was probably jealous of you, Jade. And even though she wouldn't admit it, you probably had her grudging respect."

"Maybe you settle for respect when you're thirty. But not when you're three, or thirteen. Or even eighteen. I never could be what she wanted me to be."

"What was that?"

"A simpering Southern belle who would make a good



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marriage-and in Palmetto that meant nabbing Neal Patchett. "

Dillon swore.

"My goals went so far beyond hers, she couldn't even see them, much less understand them."

"Well, wherever she is, she's bound to know she was wrong, Jade. She probably regrets what she did."

"I wish I could see her and talk to her. I don't wantan apology. I'd just like for her to see how Graham and I fared. I'd like to know if she finally found something or someone who would make her happy."

"You sound as if you've forgiven her."

Jade pondered the wordforgive and decided that it didn't apply. Her mother belonged in another lifetime. Velta no longer had the power or authority to hurt her. "I'd only like her to know that I have accomplished what I set out to do. Whether she's regretful or whether I've forgiven her is immaterial. That belongs in the past. After today, I want to look forward, not back."

Dillon left the swing and moved to the railing that enclosed the veranda. Without them noticing, it had grown late. Behind them the house was quiet. Cathy and Graham had already retired. Dillon seemed to be in no hurry to leave. He braced his hands on the railing and leaned forward from the waist.

"I've been thinking about the past a lot lately." "About anything in particular?"

"Yeah. I've come to the same conclusion as you. It's time to let it go. Move forward."

He turned and braced his hips on the railing, facing her. "All my life I've been operating under the theory that if an individual is good enough, that if he works hard enough, that if he doesn't rock the cosmic boat, he'll be rewarded. Things will go right for him.

"The flip side of this philosophy is that if he screws up, he pays dearly. Bad things happen to him. Lately, I've begun thinking this theory is wrong."

She felt his eyes touching her out of the silvery darkness. "You're talking about your wife and son."

Breath of Scandal



411

"Yes. 11

"When an accident like that happens, Dillon, isn't it human nature for us to search for an explanation? And isn't it also customary that-because we have to blame something-we blame ourselves?"

"But I made a science of it. It started when my folks got killed. I remember worrying myself sick over what I had done to get God so pissed off at me. That was before child counselors knew to tell kids that when things go wrong, it isn't their fault. "

He turned up one of his palms and examined the calluses at the base of his fingers. "If you start thinking that way when you're a kid, it carries over into adolescence and adulthood. I was constantly juggling to keep good deeds in balance with mistakes so I wouldn't get out of favor with fate - If I did something wrong, I waited for the hammer to fall. "

He turned his head, giving her his profile. "When Debra and Charlie died, I figured I'd f*cked up real bad. " He laughed self-deprecatingly. "It's the height of conceit to believe that you control other people's destinies, isn't it?

"But for all these years I've taken the blame for their deaths. I figured it was retribution for something I had done or had failed to do."

Jade crossed the veranda to stand near him at the railing, but she didn't interrupt. He shook his head with chagrin. "The bottom line is that shit happens, just like the bumper sticker says. Shit happens. Tragedies befall good people. Fortune smiles on pond scum." His eyes connected with hers. "I can't tell you how good if feels to be out from under that burden of guilt."

"Debra and Charlie were victims of misfortune, Dillon. And so were you."

"Thanks for helping me to see that. " He raised his hands to either side of her head, letting her adjust to the idea that he was about to touch her. Then the backs of his fingers swept dark tendrils of hair away from her cheeks. "You're beautiful, Jade. "