Bittersweet Memories (Off-Limits #4)(87)

Ryan nods and grabs my hand, squeezing tightly. “Yeah, I know.” He hesitates and looks away for a moment. “Alanna, you and I… we’re okay, right? We’re still friends, right? I thought we were okay, but it feels like I’m losing you, and I don’t know what to do.”

My thoughts turn to Silas, and how upset he was when I had lunch with Ryan. I don’t want to see him hurting like that again, but it’s near impossible to cut ties with Ryan completely. My thoughts turn to the future I can’t help but imagine, and for a moment, I wonder what it’d be like if I formally dated Silas. I wouldn’t be able to avoid Ryan, and each family dinner would turn into hell.

“Yeah,” I whisper. “We’re fine.”

We aren’t fine at all, but I’m not sure what else to say. It doesn’t matter what road I choose to walk — they’re all dead ends.





Chapter Fifty-Five





Alanna



I walk into the house after a fulfilling evening volunteering with Ryan, my heart filled to the brim with something that feels a lot like closure. The way our relationship ended left me questioning everything about who I am and who we were as a couple. Ryan might have been the one who broke my trust, but it resulted in me questioning everyone and everything around me.

It might have been different for someone who’s lived a full life with enough memories to help them withstand the hits that life brings them, but it isn’t the same for me. I was betrayed by the only person I ever remember trusting, the only person I’ve ever let in, the only one I’ve ever loved. It left me feeling stupid and inadequate, as though somehow, I deserved what happened, because I failed to see through Ryan, because I chose to trust him.

I walk into the living room to find Silas standing by the window, a whiskey glass in his hand. He turns to face me, his expression unreadable. “Where were you?” he asks, his voice soft.

I tense, unsure what to tell him. If I tell him the truth, would that hurt him? Would it anger him?

Silas put his glass down and walks toward me, his steps slow and measured, his gaze trained on me. My heart starts to race and I bite down on my lip in an attempt to keep my nerves under control. He pauses in front of me and raises his hand to my face, placing a finger underneath my chin to tip my face up toward his. “There’s sand in your hair,” he whispers. “Who were you with?”

I look into his eyes, my heart heavy with regret. I don’t need to tell him who I was with. He knows. He just wants me to say it.

“Silas,” I whisper, his name a plea on my lips. What I’m asking him for, I’m not sure. Don’t do this. Don’t ask questions you don’t want answers to. Don’t look at me that way.

He drops his forehead to mine and inhales shakily. “Alanna,” he murmurs, his voice barely above a whisper. “Tell me you weren’t with him.”

He pulls away a little to look into my eyes and cups my cheek tenderly, his gaze pleading. “Silas,” my voice falters. “It isn’t like that. When I broke up with him, that truly was the end of our relationship. We were just volunteering together. All we did was gather plastic on the beach.”

He takes a step closer, our bodies brushing against each other. “Was that really all it was?”

I nod, my heart breaking over the pain I see in his eyes. I put that pain there, and I don’t know how to take it away.

“Did you go because he asked you to?”

I look into his eyes, unsure what to say. I can’t lie to him. Not to him.

His thumb brushes over my lip, and I inhale shakily. “Why do you keep hurting me?” His voice breaks, vulnerability shining through his eyes. “I’ve done all I can to show you that I’m not playing games with you. I’ve put my heart on a silver platter for you, Alanna… but I never even stood a chance, did I? I can’t compete with the history you share with my brother, can I?”

“Silas, I swear, there’s nothing left between Ryan and me. It was just… we’re just trying to be friends, that’s all.”

“Friends?” he huffs. “You know he doesn’t just want to be your friend, yet you’re giving him chance after chance to be with you, to earn your forgiveness. What have you given me? Have you ever seriously considered giving me a chance?”

My eyes widen, and Silas chuckles humorlessly. “You haven’t, have you?” His hand threads through my hair, and he holds the back of my head like that, his touch possessive even now. “Do you have any idea how much I want you? Do you know how patient I’ve been? I’ve given you space, never asking for more than you’re willing to give me, quietly watching over you, always putting you first… but it’ll never be enough, will it? I’ll never be enough for you. You’ll never see me as more than you ex’s older brother.”

He untangles his fingers from my hair and lets his hand fall to his side, a soft defeated sigh escaping his lips. He takes a step away and turns away from me, leaving me staring up at his broad back. Silas looks up at the ceiling, and for once, I allow myself to follow my heart, no matter how wrong it might be, no matter how harshly the people around us will judge us.

I take a step closer to him and wrap my arms around his waist as I press my cheek to his back, hugging him tightly. I can’t stand to see him hurting this way, and watching him turn his back to me tears me to shreds. Why does it feel like I’m losing him when he was never mine in the first place?