Bittersweet Memories (Off-Limits #4)(78)

I shake my head, confused by my own feelings. Ryan is the only person I’ve ever opened up to. He’s the only one I’ve ever loved as far as I remember, the only one I share memories with. He’s my first kiss, my first date, my first love. Part of me wants to be friends with him purely so I can prove to myself that I wasn’t a complete idiot for putting my trust in him, that at least some of what we shared was real.

“I’m not sure,” I whisper.

“I just want to be your friend, Alanna. Let me buy you a coffee every once in a while. For now, that’s all I’ll ask of you. I know I don’t deserve it, but please don’t cut me out of your life. I’ve been miserable without you.”

“Just a coffee every once in a while?”

He nods, his expression earnest.

“Fine,” I say against better judgement, in part because of the guilt I feel. He might have used me, but if he were to find out what I did to him in return… I’m not sure which of us is worse.

Ryan places his hand over mine and squeezes, a grateful smile on his face. “Thank you,” he murmurs.

I pull away and grab my bag. “I need to get back to work.”

Ryan jumps up and nods. “Let me walk you back. I’d better get back to work too, or Silas might actually kill me. You probably know how awful of a boss he is.”

Just hearing him say Silas’s name has a fresh wave of shame washing over me. “Yeah,” I murmur awkwardly.

Ryan tries to make small talk as we head back to the office, but all he manages to do is make me incredibly nervous. I’m terrified of saying something that’ll make him suspicious of Silas and me. I don’t owe him anything, yet I still feel guilty.

He smiles sheepishly as we get into the elevator and looks down at his shoes. “I’d press the button for you, but Silas took away my access to the top floor after I came to find you at work on your first day.”

My eyes widen in surprise as I lean into the scanner, the button for the 27th floor automatically lighting up. “How did you get up there today, then?”

He smirks at me. “Every day at lunchtime, I’ve been roaming around the elevator, waiting for someone to go to the top floor. I was starting to give up hope, you know? You said we could be friends, but you’ve been ignoring all of my calls and texts, so I was getting desperate.”

I shake my head at him, oddly touched by his perseverance. “Aren’t you going to press the button for your floor?”

He shakes his head. “I want to walk you back to your desk.”

I stare at him for a moment. It’s easy to see why I fell for him, but is any of it true? He seems kind and thoughtful, but is it genuine? He’s right to say that he no longer needs me, but I’m still unsure.

“Here we are,” I murmur as I drop my handbag on top of my desk.

Ryan nods, his expression crestfallen. “Would you have a coffee with me next week?”

I nod, despite not wanting to. I’ve never been good at saying no, and today I really wish that were different. Ryan leans in and pushes a strand of my hair behind my ear, his touch tender. “I’ll see you soon then.”

He turns and walks away, leaving me feeling confused. When I broke up with him, I thought that’d be it. I villainized him in my mind, convincing myself that nothing we had was real, but maybe not everything was fake.

“Alanna!”

I whirl around, surprised by the anger in Silas’s voice.

“Follow me to my office.”

I tense as I do as he says, a different type of guilt washing over me. With Ryan, my guilt stemmed from being judged for what I did, but with Silas it’s different… I’m scared of hurting him.

I close the door behind me and stare at his broad back. He’s turned away from me, a hand in his hair. I’m rooted in place when he turns around, his eyes filled with anguish.

“Why were you with him?”

“He just wanted to explain. I told you he asked me if we could be friends, and though I agreed, I’d been ignoring him, so he came to find me.”

Silas scoffs. “I already told you he definitely doesn’t just want to be friends with you, and you know it.”

He walks toward me, and I know I should take a step back to keep some distance between us, but I don’t want to. I want to be near him, and though I shouldn’t, I want to reassure him.

He lifts his hand to my face, the tips of his fingers brushing over my lips. “Why is your lipstick smeared?” he asks, his tone low and dangerous.

“I just had lunch,” I whisper.

“With him?”

I nod.

“Don’t do that again. Don’t meet up with him, just the two of you.”

I look into his eyes, trying to figure out what he’s thinking. “Why?” I whisper. “Why do you care so much?”

He cups my cheek, his gaze intense. “Because you’re mine, whether you realize it or not.”

My heart skips a beat as heat rushes to my cheeks, and I look away, flustered. Surely he can’t mean that?

“I’m not a toy for you two to fight over.”

“No,” he agrees. “You’re not a toy, Alanna, but you damn sure are worth fighting for.”





Chapter Forty-Nine