Between Shades of Gray(47)

“Lina, you can’t do this. Give me the file. I’m taking it back.”

Footsteps approached. Andrius stood in front of me. Someone passed.

He dropped the sack and reached for the file. I moved away from him and opened it. My hands trembled. There were photos of our family, and papers attached to the folder. My heart sank. It was all in Russian. I turned to Andrius. He grabbed the file from my hand.

“Please,” I begged. “Tell me what it says.”

“Are you really that selfish? Or are you just stupid? They’ll kill you and your family,” he said.

“No.” I grabbed his arm. “Please, Andrius. It might help me find my father. You heard him on the train. I can help him find us. I can send him my drawings. I just need to know where he is. I ... I know you can understand.”

He stared at me and then opened the file. “I don’t read Russian that well.” His eyes quickly scanned the papers.

“What does it say?”

“Students at the Academy,” he said, looking over his shoulder. “This word is ‘artist.’ That’s you. Your father,” he said, putting his finger under a word.

“Yes, what?” I said.

“Location.”

I huddled near Andrius. “What does it say?”

“Krasnoyarsk. Prison.”

“Papa’s in Krasnoyarsk?” I remembered drawing Krasnoyarsk on the map for the NKVD.

“I think this word means ‘offense’ or ‘charge,’” he said, pointing to some writing. “It says your father is—”

“Is what?”

“I don’t know this word,” whispered Andrius. He snapped the file shut and stuffed it in his coat.

“What else does it say?”

“That’s all it says.”

“Can you find out what the word is? The one about Papa?”

“What if I get caught with this?” said Andrius, suddenly full of anger.

What if he did get caught? What would they do to him? He turned to walk away. I grabbed him. “Thank you,” I said. “Thank you so much.”

He nodded, pulling away from me.





57


MOTHER WAS DELIGHTED with the food. We decided to eat most of it immediately, just in case the NKVD tried to take it back. The canned sardines were delicious, well worth the tender gash on my head. Their oil felt silky against my tongue.

Mother gave Ulyushka a potato. She invited her to share our meal. She knew Ulyushka was less likely to report that we had food if she ate some herself. I hated that Mother shared with Ulyushka. She had tried to throw Jonas out into the snow when he was sick. She didn’t think twice about stealing from us. She never shared her food. She ate egg after egg, right in front of us. Yet Mother insisted on sharing with her.

I worried about Andrius, hoping he was able to return the file unnoticed. And what was the word that he had pointed to, the one he thought was “offense” or “charge”? I refused to believe that Papa had done something wrong. I turned it over in my head. Mrs. Raskunas worked at the university with Papa. She wasn’t deported. I saw her peeking out of her window the night we were taken away. So not everyone from the university was deported. Why Papa? I wanted to tell Mother that Papa was sent to Krasnoyarsk, but I couldn’t. She’d be too worried about him being in prison, and she’d be angry that I had stolen the file. She would also worry about Andrius having it. I worried about Andrius.

That night, I tore more drawings from my tablet and hid them with the others under my suitcase lining. I had two pages left. My pencil hovered around the edge of the paper. I looked up. Mother and Jonas spoke quietly. I rolled the pencil between my fingers. I drew a collar. A snake began to draw itself, coiling upward. I quickly scratched it out.

The next afternoon I saw Andrius on my way back from work. I scanned his face for news of the file. He nodded. My shoulders relaxed. He had returned it. But had he found the meaning of the word? I smiled at him. He shook his head, annoyed, but kind of smiled, too.

I found a thin, flat piece of birch and brought it back to our hut. At night, I decorated the edges with Lithuanian embroidery patterns. I drew a picture of our house in Kaunas on it, along with other symbols of Lithuania. On the bottom I wrote, “Deliver to Krasnoyarsk Prison. With love from Miss Altai.” I included my scribble signature, along with the date.

“What am I supposed to do with it?” asked the grouchy woman when I approached her.

“Just give it to a Lithuanian you see in the village,” I said. “Tell them to pass it on. It has to get to Krasnoyarsk.”

The grouchy woman looked at my drawings of the Lithuanian coat of arms, Trakai Castle, our patron saint, Casimir, and the stork, the national bird of Lithuania.

“Here,” I said, extending a tattered piece of clothing bunched in my hand. “Maybe one of your girls can use this underskirt. I know it’s not much, but—”

“Keep your slip,” said the grouchy woman, still looking at my drawings. “I’ll pass it along.”





58


MARCH 22. MY SIXTEENTH birthday. My forgotten birthday. Mother and Jonas left the shack for work. Neither acknowledged my birthday. What did I expect, a celebration? We barely had a scrap to eat. Mother traded what she could for stamps to mail letters to Papa. I wouldn’t say anything about it to Mother. She would feel horrible for having forgotten. The month before, I had reminded her it was Grandma’s birthday. She felt guilty for days. After all, how could she forget her own mother’s birthday?