Between Hello and Goodbye(68)

“She is not,” I said, sniffing.

“Scout’s honor. Now she’s saying, the sea will bring her love to her.” His voice thickened and he shook his head. “Christ, Faith…I’m really fucking trying but…”

“I know,” I whispered. “Me too.”

His expression softened and he held my face in his hands. “Maybe it doesn’t have to be this hard.” He swallowed and inhaled a ragged breath, then exhaled the word, “Stay.”

My pulse pounded in time to his and my throat went dry. Finally, it was out there, hanging between us. One of us had said it and now there was no going back.

“Stay…?”

“Don’t fly back tomorrow.” He held me tighter. “Stay here. With me.”

My eyes were locked on his, my jaw working, completely unsure of what was going to pop out of my mouth. A hurricane of conflict warred in me in those few seconds. I wanted to say yes, to take the plunge and fling myself at a new life with him. To give him my heart and let everything else fall into place. But another part whispered that I wasn’t strong enough. Not brave enough. I’d miss the city I loved, and being at the agency, and the life I knew. What would happen when I realized I couldn’t cut it on the island? I’d have ruined my career and us at the same time.

The fear wrapped me in a tight grip, pushing the air out of my lungs, pushing out the words.

“I…I can’t.”

Asher stiffened, his hopeful smile turning to a hard grimace. “Why not?”

“Well…for a lot of reasons,” I said, firming my voice. “There’re the Clio awards in February, and my bosses are demanding an answer about partnership. Not to mention, my life is there and…”

Asher’s hands dropped from me abruptly, leaving me cold. The song had ended, and the other couples were returning to their seats.

“I can’t fucking do this.”

“Asher…”

“Seriously, Faith, what the hell are we doing?”

“I…I…”

He shook his head, conflict darkening his expression, then turned and strode for the exit. I followed him out to the deserted parking lot, my heart clanging madly.

“Asher,” I called, catching up to him where he stood pacing in a small circle. “You have to talk to me—”

“What’s there to say?” He whirled on me, his face a mask of anguish. “Something’s gotta give, Faith.”

“Well…why do I have to be the one that gives it?”

“Because I have family and you don’t,” he thundered. I recoiled as if he’d slapped me, and he softened, instantly remorseful. “I’m sorry. I just mean…you could have a family, too. You could be a part of it—”

“That’s not fair,” I said, my voice quavering. “I may not have what you have, but I have a life in Seattle. I have Silas and I have my career and I have…Silas…”

“I know,” Asher said, carving his hand through his hair. “A few months ago, I thought I’d made peace with that. But I was wrong. I can’t keep going on like this.”

“What are you saying?”

“I’m saying I can’t go on like this, Faith. You there and me here. Grabbing a few days at a time in between long stretches of nothing. It’s too fucking hard.”

“You think it’s easy for me?” I demanded. “You think I don’t miss you every day…every hour?”

“Great, so we both know something has to change. Maybe you could move here for six months. Just try it. See what it’s like.”

“I know what it’s like. It’s small and quiet and miles away from anything.” I crossed my arms over my chest. “Why don’t you move to Seattle for six months?”

He made a face as if he’d smelled something sour, and I scoffed.

“Yeah, exactly. And no matter who gives it a try, six months later we’re going to have this exact same conversation.”

“Yeah, well…I don’t want this conversation at all,” Asher said and resumed his pacing.

My breath caught in my chest. “Are you giving me an ultimatum?”

He stopped and tore at his hair. “No, I’m just saying…fuck! Tell me what I’m supposed to do, Faith. You tell me what I’m supposed to do. I want you and I need you and I want to be with you, but—”

“I want the same thing, but they’re about to make me partner and I want that too. I’m building something and I’ve never built anything before. Nothing that’s lasted. I don’t want to just walk away.”

Asher stared a moment. My words sank in, and his face turned stony and impassive, like staring at a brick wall. “Well, I guess that’s it then.”

I shivered though the night was warm. “What do you mean?”

“I think we need a break. Figure shit out.”

“A break,” I stated, crossing my arms, hugging myself. “You mean you want to break up with me.”

“No. I don’t know. Maybe.”

I nodded, dazed, feeling as if someone had thrown a bucket of cold water at me. “Sure. Fine. If that’s what you want.”

“Of course, it’s not what I fucking want. But…” He shook his head helplessly.