Beautiful World, Where Are You(45)

It was still raining when he rang the bell. Alice came out to the door wearing a woollen jumper over a dark skirt. Her feet were bare. She had her arms crossed over her chest, and then she uncrossed them. Felix stood looking at her, put a hand in his pocket and slightly closed one eye as if he was having trouble focusing.

Hey, he said. Am I disturbing you?

Not remotely. Would you like to come in?

Seeing as I’m here, I suppose.

He followed her inside, closing the door. She went through to the living room, a large space, painted red, with an open fire in the hearth. Facing the fire was a couch, laden with throws and cushions in various colours. On the coffee table a book was splayed open, pages down, next to a hot cup of tea. Felix stopped inside the doorway as Alice walked in.

All looks very cosy, he said.

She leaned against the couch, crossing her arms again.

What are you up to, reading? he asked.

Yes, I was.

I hope I’m not disturbing you.

You said that already, she said. And I told you you’re not.

For a moment neither said anything further. Felix looked down at the fawn-coloured carpet, or at his own shoes.

I haven’t heard from you in a while, she said then.

Apparently unsurprised, he continued to study the carpet. Yeah, he answered.

She said nothing. After a moment he flicked a quick glance up at her.

Are you annoyed? he asked.

I’m not annoyed, no. I have been feeling confused. Honestly, I assumed you didn’t want to see me anymore. I was wondering if I’d done something wrong.

He frowned. Ah no, he said. You didn’t do anything. Look, you’re right, I was conscious the days had gone by a bit.

She nodded, inexpressive.

Do you want me to go? he said.

She moved her mouth around uncertainly for a moment. I’m not sure what’s going on exactly, she said. But then maybe that’s my fault.

He appeared to give this some thought, or perhaps made a show of doing so. Well, I wouldn’t say it’s your fault only, he said. I know what you mean by it. I think the fault is shared. I’m not really looking for any big commitments in my life at the moment, if I’m honest.

I see.

Yeah, he said. And what with the whole trip to Italy, I thought, you know. Maybe best to take it a bit more casually after that.

Right.

He rocked back a little on his heels. Alright so, he said. I’ll go, then, will I?

If you like.

For a few moments he didn’t move, but stayed looking around the room vaguely. You don’t care anyway, do you not? he said.

Excuse me?

He took a deep breath in through his nose and repeated slowly: You don’t care anyway, or do you?

Care about what?

I mean, if I go or I don’t go. If you hear from me or not. You don’t care either way.

I should think it’s obvious I do care, she said. You’re the one saying you don’t.

But you’re not acting like you do.

With a kind of amazed smile, she replied: What would you like me to do, fall on my knees and beg you not to leave?

He laughed to himself. Good question, he said. I don’t know, maybe I do want that.

Well, you’re not going to get it.

I can see I’m not.

They looked at one another. She frowned at him, and he laughed again, shook his head and turned his face away.

Fuck me, he said. I don’t know. Why do I always feel like you’re the boss and I just have to do what you tell me?

I have no idea why you feel that way. I don’t think I ever tell you what to do.

She was still looking at him but he would not return her gaze, looking off in the direction of the skirting board.

Finally she said: Since you’re here, would you like a drink?

Gazing around the room, he gave a kind of shrug. Yeah, alright, why not, he said.

I have a bottle of wine out there, shall I get some glasses?

He frowned to himself, and then said: Okay, yeah. He cleared his throat and added: Thanks.

She went out to the kitchen and he took off his jacket, hung it over the back of an armchair and sat down on the sofa. He took his phone from his pocket and looked at the screen, which displayed a missed call from Damian. He opened the notification with a swipe and then typed a message.

Felix: Hey sorry im not at home tonight . Might give u a buzz tomorrow Within seconds a reply arrived.

Damian: It’s been nearly 3 weeks. Where are you?

Felix screwed his features up in a frown and began to type his response, deleting and retyping several words as he went along.

Felix: I was away the week before last and this week been at work as I said, im off tomorrow so I will give u a ring then

He sent the message, locked his phone and sat staring into the fire. Alice came back into the room carrying two empty glasses and a bottle of red wine. He watched her while she opened the bottle and filled both the glasses.

Are we going to have one of our deep life conversations now? he said.

She handed him a glass and sat down on the other end of the sofa. Hm, she said. I think I’m still getting my bearings. I’m not sure I feel ready for a deep conversation.

He nodded and looked down into his drink. Fair enough, he said. What do you want to do, watch a film or something?

We can if you like.

She suggested he could look through her Netflix account, and after keying in her password she handed him the laptop. He opened a web browser while she sipped her drink and watched the fire. With two fingers he scrolled aimlessly through a series of thumbnails, glancing up at her now and then as if distracted. Finally he said: Here, I don’t know what kind of films you like, you pick something. As long as it doesn’t have subtitles, I’ll watch it. He handed her the laptop and she took it from him without