Baby Love(21)

"I am not blaming you for this. I know that whatever is going on with you is not of your choosing. I just want it gone."

"I understand," I choked out, tears welling up.

"Can I please ask you for one thing tonight?"

"What is it Tylar?"

"Please Trey, please can you get Preston and let her sleep in here with us?"

He eyed me warily. I actually thought that perhaps Trey no longer totally trusted me around my baby. The thought of that crushed me into a million pieces; yet had I told him about my latest dream I could almost guarantee that he would have me institutionalized.

"I will go get her," he replied quietly.

Her bassinet was still in our room and during the days when Trey was at work, I kept her in it so that I could be nearby watching 'Ellen" while she napped. I tried to make things normal like they used to be before Jean was run down and left for dead.

Trey returned with Preston in his arms. He placed her carefully into my arms where I looked down onto her sweet, chubby cheeks and kissed them gently to chase away the memories of what I had done to them in my latest dream.

Her large blue eyes fluttered open and she gazed up at me with love. I kissed her again and again. She smiled at me, presenting her dimple which I kissed as well. Her hand reached up and grabbed onto my hair, fisting it with her tiny fingers and pulling.

"Ouch," I said, laughing. "You are hurting mommy." She giggled with me and I gently pried her little fingers out of my hair, kissing them with my lips. I kissed her cheeks over and over again, telling her how much I loved her. I cradled her against me as we hunkered down and fell asleep together. She placed her tiny thumb in her mouth and snuggled against me feeling safe and secure within my arms.

It was sometime later that I felt Trey lifting her from my arms in order to place her into the bassinet.

"Trey, please don't take her from me. I need her here with me okay? Just this once?"

"I'm not an ogre for Chrissake Tylar."

"I didn't say that you were. I just know how you feel about her being in bed with us that's all."

He relented pulling the covers up around us and enfolding the baby and I within his strong and loving arms.

"I love you Tylar," he whispered into my ear.

"I love you Trey," I whispered back, snuggling against him.

"I'm sorry that I've been so f*cked up."

"Go to sleep baby," he ordered softly.





CHAPTER 8



It had been three weeks since I had started seeing Dr. Karla Hunter, a psychologist that Dr. Addison had referred me to who specialized in post-partum depression. Dr. Addison had told me that my dreams, fears and anxiety were textbook symptoms of PPD. He had started me on a low dose of an antidepressant medication called Paxil which he assured me was safe for breastfeeding mothers.

As I sat in her office waiting for her to come in, I reflected upon how things had been since Dr. Addison had diagnosed me with PPD. The dreams had continued off and on for a week to ten days after I started the meds. Little by little they diminished. My anxiety and fears about the baby were starting to subside. I wasn't sure if the meds could take total credit for that because having Susan at our apartment was good emotional medicine for me as well.

Susan had immediately put me at ease about being there to help out. She assured me that she would not try and take over or get in the way of my mothering. She told me that if there was anything she did that I did not like, I was to tell her immediately. She also assured me that she had suffered bouts of post-partum depression after Tristan had been born and that is was not all that rare; that I was not to feel ashamed or upset by it. She mothered me as if I were her own daughter which had brought me much comfort.

Susan and I had developed a routine with Preston that worked out well for all concerned. Trey set up the double bed that had been in that bedroom before it had been transitioned into the nursery. It was plenty large enough to accommodate. Susan slept in the nursery with Preston. I used my breast pump in the evening so that if Preston awoke during the night or before I got up in the morning, Susan would take the feeding for me.

I rested so much better knowing that someone I loved and trusted was sleeping close by my baby. My anxiety and stress level had been greatly reduced.

My relationship with Trey had benefited tremendously. We laughed and loved again. The dark circles under his eyes disappeared and our mutual affection reappeared with more energy than before. We enjoyed our closeness and doing things as a couple away from home like we had done before Preston was born.

Dr. Hunter breezed through the door just then, my chart in her hands.

"Good afternoon, Tylar," she greeted me warmly, glancing through her notes from the session we had the prior week.

"Hi Karla," I replied, smiling.

She had insisted on my calling her by her first name which was fine by me.

"Anything new happening?" she asked.

"Everything is pretty much the same," I replied. "I'm feeling well, sleeping well and the dark nightmares have disappeared. Susan is still with us. She has made a lot of my fears disappear just by being there."

"How so?" Karla asked.

"Well, I guess for one thing, I feel better about going out without taking the baby everywhere I go. Plus, she sleeps in Preston's room so that makes me feel better as well."