Awk-Weird (Ice Knights, #2)(74)

“I’m fine,” she said, squeezing her friend back. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

Okay, that almost sounded normal. She hadn’t sniffled, her voice hadn’t quivered, and her cheeks barely felt hot from the bald-faced lie. Sure, her eyes were bloodshot, her cheeks wet, and her chin wobbly, but her friends would ignore that.

Yeah, right.

She stepped out of the hug and gazed at her friends, the women who knew her almost as well as they knew themselves. They didn’t look like they’d spent even a penny buying her nonchalant pronouncement.

“Lucy told us all about the fight and how Cole left,” Fallon said.

And yeah, she hadn’t exactly told Lucy the whole story, but even the awk-weird liked to guard their vulnerable underbellies. “There was no expectation that it was ever anything more than just sex. I knew all along it was temporary.”

“Really?” Gina, the sweet wedding planner who always managed to see the good in people no matter what, scoffed.

Her girls knew her history. They knew how she’d grown up, the middle-of-the-night surprise drop-offs and the uncertainty of when, if ever, her mom would swing back to pick her up. They knew all of that, but unless a person had lived it, it was really hard to explain that gut-level sense of vigilance that never went away.

That sense of perpetual disappointment was the one thing her mother had given her that hadn’t been temporary.

“Look,” she said with a sigh, trying to keep her chin from trembling and clasping her hands together so they wouldn’t shake. “I’ve spent my whole life watching the signs, reading people, waiting for the moment that always comes when I know my time is up. This isn’t anything new.”

But God, it hurt so much worse than anything that had come before. It was like walking around with a broken rib; every breath hurt and there wasn’t a damn thing she could do about it but wait for the pain to go away. That should happen in about a million years.

“He’s an idiot,” Fallon said, summing up her support in three words.

Lucy nodded. “A shithead.”

“A weasel-brained numb-nutter,” Gina finished.

Tess, Lucy, and Fallon all turned to look at Gina, who was blushing furiously.

“What does that even mean?” Tess asked.

Gina shrugged. “No clue, but I’ve never been as good at the insults as those two.”

“Well, there’s no reason for them when it comes to Cole.” Tess backpedaled a few steps, needing the space as her stomach clenched and tears pricked her eyelids again. It wasn’t fair. She knew better than this. She knew better than to believe. And if he’d really wanted to stay, he would have fought to instead of walking out. “This really is a case of it’s not him, it’s me. I’m just not built for that.”

Fallon cocked her head to the side. “For what?”

“Forever.” Tess spread her arms wide, the one word encompassing the whole world, the sense of inevitability about it sinking like a stone in her gut.

“Bullshit,” Gina said.

Tess looked at her friends, the ones she knew loved her and wanted to be there with her, but she couldn’t shake the truth that had proven itself time and time again. Like the flowers she surrounded herself with, their friendship was beautiful and filled the room with absolute joy, but in the end they would wither. Things changed. Lives got busy. People who she thought loved her left.

“Are you sure?” Tess said, her voice shaking. “Everything is so different; our lives are changing so much. It’s just that you’re all moving on with your lives, falling in love, getting married, and it’s only a matter of time before we drift apart.”

The last word hung in the sweet-scented air among them, the weight of it pressing down on her even as she couldn’t deny the relief of finally saying it out loud.

Gina shook her head and strode over to Tess, wrapping her in another hug. “We’re forever family. Temporary doesn’t apply to us.”

“We’re here for you,” Fallon said, joining in on the hug.

Lucy wrapped her arms around Tess. “Always.”

Standing in the middle of her shop, her arms pinned to her sides because her girls were hugging her that hard and with tears running down her cheeks, Tess loosened her hold on the fear she’d lived with her entire life. She’d always figured that if she held onto that knowledge that abandonment was right around the corner, that no one really wanted her, it would make life easier. But she’d been wrong. It had almost lost her the three most important women in her life, her family, because she’d been too scared to admit her own vulnerabilities.

The fact that hugs released oxytocin was about to fly out of her mouth, driven to the forefront by the emotion and fear battling it out in her heart, but she pulled it back. There’d be other times for her favorites. She didn’t have to distance herself from her family.

“I love you guys,” she said.

They answered in unison, “We love you, too.”

“So what about Cole?” Fallon asked when the group hug finally broke up. “Do I need to go get my shovel?”

“It doesn’t matter. I knew going in what the situation was.” And no matter how much she wished it wasn’t, she needed to accept it and be glad that someone as amazing as the baby had resulted from it. “We got weddinged, I got knocked up, and then I was an idiot and fell for him even though he was up-front from the beginning that he was just trying to be a good guy.”