And the Rest Is History(19)

I gave it to him in a few words and we looked at each other.

‘I’d volunteer if I could, Max.’

‘I know you would, but if Guthrie goes then you can’t. How’s Tim?’

He shook his head. ‘Not good.’

‘Does he know exactly what happened? In Sick Bay?’

‘Dr Bairstow’s spoken to him, yes. Look, I’m glad you’re here. Can you stay for a few minutes while I get us both something to eat and have a quick word with the Major?’

‘Of course.’

He disappeared and I stepped inside.

It was a mistake. Perhaps I should have taken those few minutes to step back from everything that had happened. Perhaps I should have given us both a little time and space. Perhaps I should have … I don’t know what I should have done, but I know what I shouldn’t have done. I shouldn’t have gone in.

The room was dark.

I said, ‘Tim?’ but there was no response.

I tried again. ‘Tim?’ and brushed my hand against the wall, feeling for the light switch.

His voice came out of the dark. ‘What do you want?’

‘I came to see how you are. Can I do anything?’

‘I would have thought you’d done enough damage today.’

I thought I’d misheard him. This wasn’t Tim. This couldn’t be Tim Peterson. I groped along the wall again for the light.

‘Tim?’

The voice came out of the dark, flat and deadly. ‘You were there and you didn’t save her.’

The shock took my breath away. I felt as if he’d slapped me in the face. He was angry with me. Tim, who was never angry with anyone, was angry with me.

‘You let her die. I don’t understand you. Why would you do that? I thought she was your friend. She would have fought to the death for you. And you did nothing for her.’

I wanted to run. To run and run, and not have to hear his voice, loaded with all the blame and recrimination I knew I deserved. Because he was right. I’d done nothing. When Helen – my friend – needed me, I’d done nothing. When Matthew – my baby – needed me, I’d done nothing. I deserved all the things he was saying to me.

‘You really are the kiss of death, aren’t you? People die all around you all the time and you just carry blithely on as if nothing has happened. It’s taken me a long time to realise the truth, but you don’t actually care for anyone but yourself, do you? You don’t care for anyone or anything as long as you get what you want. The rest of us just drop by the wayside, broken and unwanted, while you just clamber over the ruins of people’s lives without even noticing.’

I wanted to run. I couldn’t run. I had to stay. He shouldn’t be alone and Markham wasn’t back yet. Tim himself shouldn’t be here. He should be in Sick Bay, being tended to, except that was the very last place he should be. Because that was the place with so many memories of Helen.

I leaned back against the wall and stayed silent. He was right. I should have done something and I hadn’t and this was my punishment. To stand in the dark and listen as my best friend said things that, in my heart, I knew were true.

I heard the door open and Markham came in.

The voice stopped. Silence dripped.

‘Shall we have some light?’ said Markham. I heard a click and, suddenly, light filled the room. I blinked.

Tim stood with his back to us, staring out through the window into the dark beyond.

Markham looked from him to me and said uncertainly, ‘Max?’

I pushed past him to get to the door.

‘Max, wait.’

He followed me into the corridor. ‘Whatever he said, he didn’t mean it.’

‘Yes, he did.’

‘He doesn’t know what he’s saying just at the moment.’

‘Yes, he does.’

‘He’s in no fit state to talk sensibly and you’re in no fit state to listen. I don’t know what he said, but give him twenty-four hours and…’

I shook my head. ‘He’s right. Every word was true. He didn’t say anything I haven’t already said to myself. Several times over. It was just a bit of a shock that he should be the one to say it out loud.’

I walked away.

And that was the end of the worst day of my life.





Leon and I were up most of the night, packing up his gear, and drawing his kit and weapons from stores. Well, he packed – I sat on the bed and watched him and tried to come to terms with everything that had happened in the last twenty-four hours.

Matthew held out his little arms to me.

When he was finished, we sat and talked a little, heads close together, holding hands, taking and giving comfort. I struggled hard to appear calm and positive, because Leon needed to concentrate on the job in hand and not be distracted by me going to pieces.

Just before dawn, he went off to see Guthrie, and I, finding the silence of our empty room quite unbearable, went down to my office.

I stared out of the window and watched the pre-dawn glow as the sun had a think about putting in an appearance, and then someone tapped at the door. I had just one quick moment to wonder if, somehow, it could be Peterson, when Miss Grey walked in.

Even in my state of self-absorbed misery, I could see there was something different about her.