Almond(39)

“How?”

“Dunno, but it won’t be too hard. I’m already familiar with that kind of world.” Gon sniggered. I wanted to say something but he was already heading out the door. Then he wheeled around and said, “We might not see each other from now on. So instead of a goodbye kiss, take this.” He winked and slowly raised his middle finger. He wore a soft smile. That was the last time I saw him smile that way. Then he disappeared.

And then, tragedy unfolded rapidly.





Part Four





63


The real thief turned out to be someone else. It was the boy at the beginning of the school year who had asked out loud how I’d felt seeing Granny killed before my eyes. He went to the homeroom teacher and admitted that he’d planned everything by himself. His purpose was not the money, but to set someone up just to see how people would react. When the homeroom teacher asked him why he would do such a thing, he simply replied, “Thought it might be fun.”

But that didn’t mean the kids felt sorry for Gon. Whatever, Yun Leesu would’ve stirred up trouble sooner or later. I glimpsed such messages over my shoulder in the chats on their phones.

*

Professor Yun looked gaunt, as if he hadn’t eaten for days. He leaned against the wall and moved his dry, cracked lips.

“I’ve never hit anyone in my whole life. I’ve never thought a beating would solve anything. But, but I beat Leesu. Twice. I couldn’t think of any other way to stop him.”

“One time was at the pizzeria. I saw you through the window,” I said.

He nodded. “I made a settlement with the restaurant owner. Fortunately, no one was injured, and the matter was resolved. That night, I forced him to get in the car and we went home. We didn’t speak a word on our way back or after we got home. I just went straight to my room.” His voice began to tremble. “Things have changed a lot since Leesu returned. I didn’t even have the time to grieve over my wife’s death. She might have dreamed of a home where all of us lived together. But actually I found it difficult to be living with Leesu. I couldn’t stop thinking even as I read books or lay on my bed: What made him grow up like that? Who on earth should be blamed?”

Professor Yun took a few deep breaths before adding, “When sadness and disappointment get out of control, and there is no solution, people start thinking bad thoughts. I did too . . . I often imagined what it would’ve been like if he wasn’t here, if he’d never come back . . .”

His shoulders began to heave.

“You know what the worst part is? I’ve actually thought that things might’ve been better than they are now if we’d never had him, if that boy had never been born. Yes, I’ve had such terrible thoughts about my son, my own flesh and blood. Oh my, I can’t believe I just told you all this . . .”

Tears streaked down his neck and rolled onto his sweater. Soon he was sobbing so hard I couldn’t make out what he was saying. I made a cup of hot chocolate and handed it to him.

“I heard you were close friends with Leesu. That you came over to our house once. How could you still treat him like that? After everything he did to you.”

“Because Gon is a good kid.”

“You think so?”

Yes. I know. That Gon is a good kid. But if someone asked me to talk about him in more detail, I’d only be able to say that he beat me and hurt me, he ripped apart a butterfly, he set his face against the teachers, and threw things at my classmates. That’s how language is. It is as hard as proving that Leesu and Gon are the same person. So, I simply said, “I just know he is.”

Professor Yun smiled at my words. The smile lasted for about three seconds and suddenly broke. Because he started crying again.

“Thank you, for thinking of him that way.”

“Then why are you crying?”

“Because I feel sorry I couldn’t think of him the same way. And because it’s ridiculous that I feel grateful hearing someone else say he’s a good person . . .” he stammered, sobbing. Just before he left, he asked one last thing, a little hesitantly.

“If you ever hear from him, could you give him my words? To please come back?”

“Why do you want me to say those words?”

“Well, I’m embarrassed to say this as an adult. But things happened one after another without stopping. And I had no time to devote attention to and care for each one. I would like another chance to get things right this time,” he said.

“I’ll tell him,” I promised.

*

All kinds of thoughts went through my mind. If Professor Yun could go back in time, would he have chosen not to have Gon? If he had, the couple wouldn’t have lost Gon in the first place. Mrs. Yun wouldn’t have been ill from guilt and died of regret. All the trouble Gon caused wouldn’t have happened either. If you think about it that way, then it would’ve been better if Gon had never been born. Because, more than anything, he wouldn’t have had to feel so much pain and loss. But everything loses its meaning if you think that way. Only purpose remains. Barren.

*

It was early dawn, but I was still wide awake. I had something to tell Gon. I had to say I was sorry. Sorry for pretending to be his mother’s son, sorry for keeping from him that I’d made another friend. And finally, sorry for not telling him that I knew he didn’t steal the money and that I believed him.