All the Feels (Spoiler Alert #2)(111)

He could, however, rave about Carah.

“She’s fucking awesome,” he declared with a grin, one Lauren knew was heartfelt.

On and off camera, the two former Gates costars bounced off each other like the good friends they were. Together, they’d made the show exactly what they wanted it to be.

Each episode took place in a new town or city. They explored its sights together, driving everywhere in one of Carah’s many sports cars, bickering amiably the entire time. In each location, she tried a trademark regional food on camera while he highlighted a local charity. The production donated to that charity, and so did he. So did Carah. So did plenty of their viewers.

“We have a great time, and I think that’s obvious to our audience,” he summed up after a characteristically long-winded discussion of Carah’s greatness. “I’ve never had more fun filming. Ever.”

Vika smiled at them. “As cohosts, you and Carah are there for every episode. But other people often join your expeditions as well. Including you, Lauren. Can you tell me more about how that decision was made?”

Lauren’s turn had finally arrived.

Alex squeezed her hand in mute encouragement, which she appreciated but didn’t need. After a few months on the road with the television crew, she’d become largely accustomed to having cameras pointed in her direction and large chunks of her life available for public perusal. And after a few more months with her therapist, she had tactics for dealing with these sorts of situations and a good grip on what truly mattered to her.

She might be nervous, her fingers trembling, but she was also ready.

No matter how this interview went, she wouldn’t read the response on social media. No matter how this interview went, Alex wouldn’t detonate, because he too had been working with a therapist and learning to—as he’d put it—get out of his own fucking way.

No matter how this interview went, he’d still love her, and she’d still love herself.

That was enough. That was everything.

“Well, most of Alex’s best friends are famous, so having them show up on camera isn’t precisely a hardship for the production.” She smiled slightly, using what Alex called her Santa Ana voice. “But I’m not famous, of course, at least not in my own right, and that’s true for others who’ve joined us too.”

The rotating cast of friends and family who accompanied them on the road had been an unexpected joy, piercing in its sweetness. Some shoots, depending on scheduling needs, Marcus and April or other former costars might come along. Dina. His mother. Sionna, who now rented Alex’s guesthouse for the same price as the turreted duplex she and Lauren had once shared.

Even, occasionally, Lauren’s parents, once they’d all gotten over the awkwardness of discussing why she wouldn’t apologize to Ron and didn’t intend to have any contact with him in the future. Aunt Kathleen hadn’t spoken to her in over two months, and her mom and Aunt Kathleen still hadn’t entirely reconciled, but so be it. If Lauren’s parents chose to put her comfort before their own, she had to believe—she did believe—she was worth that sacrifice.

After that fraught conversation with her mom and dad, they’d started making an effort to see her, rather than assuming she’d always come to them. So whenever the show stopped relatively near California, her parents were likely to appear on camera.

And at some point during most episodes, so was she. Generally she stayed in the background, just another visitor on a tour, just another tourist taking photos. Just another explorer discovering the world and finding magic wherever she roamed, in between teletherapy appointments conducted in comfortable hotel suites.

Seeing clients long-term suited her, as she’d discovered. Tracing their progress and helping them surmount obstacles in their lives and minds week by week … it was hard but satisfying work, and it didn’t leave her scraped empty at the end of each day.

In fact, her life overflowed with so much friendship and love and warmth and adventure, she could afford to share some of it with an unseen audience.

Normally, she didn’t let herself be dragged directly in front of the cameras, but sometimes she did. By Sionna, or Carah, or—most often—Alex.

At their urgings, she’d take a deep breath, tilt her chin high, and describe what she’d seen that day, and she’d do so with absolutely no neutral remove. As a participant in her own life, rather than a spectator. Then Alex and Carah would tease her until she scowled at them and snorted with laughter.

In the third episode, Lauren had even kissed him on camera. Caught up in their usual banter, she’d forgotten their audience. But when she remembered, she didn’t shy away from his arms clasping her tight, because she wasn’t ashamed of herself or of him, and she refused to act as if she were.

“Here’s how Alex and I think about it.” Lauren took a sip of water, still smiling at Vika. “Unleashed isn’t just a show. It’s our lives on camera. And we want to share our lives with the people who matter to us, so we’ll always welcome our friends and family on set. We’ll always encourage them to come as often as they can and stay as long as they can, because their presence is a joy. We’re also grateful for StreamUs’s support of that decision and their help coordinating everyone’s schedules.”

There. She’d answered the question without fumbling her words, and her hands weren’t shaking anymore.