All the Feels (Spoiler Alert #2)(108)

From the dazed disbelief and affection in his expression, the softness of his mouth as he gazed at her, she knew the answer to her next question. But she had to ask anyway, because he deserved a voice, and she deserved the words.

“I’ve told you what happened that night and why. I’ve apologized. I’ve told you how I feel and what I want for myself.” She was clutching his hand so tightly, her fingers were going numb, but she didn’t care. If it were up to her, she’d never let him go again. “Now I need to know what you want.”

He licked his lips, and the sheen gleamed for only a moment before the overhead lights flickered out, leaving them in moonlit darkness.

Didn’t matter. She wasn’t moving anywhere anytime soon, unless he made her.

“I visited my mom this week,” he said slowly, his brow furrowed once more. “She told me exactly the same thing you did, that what happened to her wasn’t my fault. She also told me to stop sabotaging myself out of guilt. Which I hadn’t—I hadn’t realized I was doing. Not consciously.”

His hand trembled slightly, and she held it even harder.

“But she was right.” His lips quirked. “She’s always right. Much like you. It’s all extremely irritating and highly unfair.”

At that spark of quintessential Alex-ness, she had to smile.

“So now I’m trying to think things through a bit more carefully. With a future in mind. Because maybe I don’t deserve so much success, but I don’t not deserve it either. I work hard, and I haven’t done anything unforgivable. Which means …” He lifted a shoulder. “I’m going to attempt to get out of my own fucking way. Unless something is a matter of conscience and there’s no other way to deal with whatever the problem is, I’ll try not to blow up my life. For the sake of my mom and the charity and Dina, but also for me.”

Oh, thank goodness. Thank goodness.

Or, rather, thank his mom, who’d been able to get through to him when no one else could. If he still wanted Lauren in his life after tonight, she was putting Linda on speed dial. Immediately.

“I like what I do. I like my career.” He huffed out a half laugh. “I’d like to keep having one.”

She laughed too, giddy with relief.

“This is all a long-winded, roundabout way of saying I accepted the StreamUs offer, although it’ll be my last deal with Zach as my agent. I already fired him, earlier today. And now I want to go back and fire him again, only with my fists.” The force of his sudden glower should have set the nearby succulents afire. When Lauren opened her mouth, though, he raised a staying hand. “But I won’t. Again, in deference to my long-neglected self-preservation instincts.”

His thumb on her hip moved in a small arc. A subtle caress, potent enough to make her shiver despite her lingering flush of exertion.

“I’d still prefer to have you on the road with me. But I won’t make it a condition of my acceptance unless you want me to, because that’s not fair to you, and I’m sorry.” His eyes met hers directly, lines carved deep between his brows. “You should be able to freely decide whether to accompany me or not, and you can’t do that if my answer depends on yours. I also shouldn’t have made such a huge decision about our future without talking to you first or asking what you actually wanted. Which is a failing you and I evidently have in common, Wren”—he snorted softly—“and I’m sorry for that too.”

He still wanted her. He still wanted her.

New tears spangled her vision, but she blinked them back and kept listening.

“Mom says I’ve always been all or nothing, and she’s right.” His chin tipped upward, and his tone was entirely unapologetic now. “I’m greedy. I want it all. The job and you by my side every day. But no matter what you decide, we’ll make it work. To echo an annoyingly wise woman: If that’s the only way I can have you, it’s what I want too.”

On the car ride to his house, unsure whether she might find him deathly ill or bleeding from some horrible accident, she’d found herself envisioning what their future could have held, if she hadn’t left. What it could still hold, if he was okay.

Panic, as it turned out, had made her priorities crystalline. It also spurred her willingness to think through all her options, not just the ones that came easily to mind. And when she considered her own happiness, not only the needs of others, what she should do had suddenly snapped into focus.

Maybe it wasn’t exactly what he’d wanted, but he’d get past that. Quickly, unless she missed her guess.

“I’ll come with you.” When he actually gasped, his mouth dropping open in shock before splitting into the biggest grin she’d ever seen, she smiled back at him. “Not just because you want me there, but because I want to be there. I want to be with you, and I want to explore the country and the world.”

“Wren!” he crowed, half rising to his feet and thrusting their joined hands into the air. “We’re going to make the most awesome team anyone has ever—”

“I’m not coming as your cohost or PA,” she interrupted, and he flopped back onto the bench and pouted at her. “I’ll do teletherapy while you work.”

Some patients couldn’t come to an office or didn’t want to, and she’d serve them. She’d help them, and be able to trace their progress, and hopefully emerge each day with her heart intact. She’d still do good in the world, but she wouldn’t sacrifice her own happiness anymore.