All the Feels (Spoiler Alert #2)(102)

“I saw your car in the garage this morning and decided I was tired of you dodging me, so I called in sick.” Her friend’s voice was quiet. Soothing. “What happened, babe?”

Between sobs, Lauren told her. All of it.

Sionna listened patiently, as she always did. Then, after one last rub of Lauren’s back, she settled against the couch cushions and looked thoughtful.

“That’s it?” she asked. “You’ve told me everything now?”

At Lauren’s nod, Sionna continued, her voice dry but not unsympathetic. “Allow me to summarize, then: After noisily fucking Alex, the man you clearly adore and who seems to adore you in return, you got a little angry at him for making unilateral decisions and a lot scared he’d destroy his professional future, so you made a unilateral decision to leave him, called him inconsiderate, and dumped his ass without warning in the middle of his ex’s wedding reception, thus destroying any possibility of a romantic future with you.”

The words dropped into Lauren’s belly like a lead weight, and her stupid eyes prickled again. Fuck, that dispassionate summary made her sound like a monster. A hypocritical one too.

She tore her tissue in half. “I didn’t call him inconsiderate.”

The rest she couldn’t deny, much as she wanted to.

“You questioned whether he took you and your preferences into account when making all his grandiose plans.” Sionna’s mouth quirked. “Which was an absolutely fair point, because he clearly didn’t. But it’s still an accusation of selfishness, or at least self-absorption.”

Lauren froze.

That accusation … he’d leveled it against himself before. Spat it out like dirt in his mouth.

He’d called himself selfish. An asshole. A self-absorbed Hollywood brat.

Because he’d failed to notice his stepfather’s abuse. Because he’d acted in his show’s final season.

For those self-proclaimed sins, he’d damned himself and scrambled to make amends. But for him, it wasn’t enough. Might never be enough. His continued self-loathing had been heartbreakingly clear that evening in Olema, when he’d nearly collapsed at the sight of his injured mother.

And then, at the wedding, overwrought and grief-stricken and desperate to drive him away, she’d confronted him without even a sliver of her usual caution. Without thinking about his history. The same way—as she’d informed him—he hadn’t thought about hers.

The irony strangled the breath in her throat.

What she’d said, however true, however necessary, had to have confirmed his worst fears. And she’d wielded the accusation without care, after implying they were friends and nothing more, their time together a mere interlude.

Fuck. Oh, fuck.

She hunched in on herself. “God. No wonder he didn’t argue after I said that.”

“Ren …” Sionna was rubbing her back again. “Do you love him?”

She hiccupped again, the sound loud and ugly. “Yes.”

There was no point prevaricating. Her best friend already knew, or at least suspected. Otherwise, she wouldn’t have asked the question. And Lauren wasn’t ashamed of loving him.

Alex deserved love. Enough to fill that huge, loyal, lonely heart of his.

And she’d beg, she’d bleed, to give it to him, but—

She was sobbing once more, her body bucking with it. “I can’t—I c-can’t let him d-destroy his career over m-me again. I c-can’t.”

“I understand that.” Sionna’s arms were soft and warm, and they drew Lauren close. “But, babe, I just …” She sighed. “I’m not sure that was a decision to make on your own. Especially without telling him everything and explaining how you feel. Without asking him whether he’d rather have a career or you, if he had to choose.”

Lauren took a dozen deep breaths, until her chest no longer hitched so hard. Then she shook her head against her friend’s shoulder, exhausted and so fucking sad, she wanted to sleep for a million years.

“But I knew what he’d say.” She bit her lip against more tears. “I knew what he’d do.”

He’d fire his agent.

He’d turn down StreamUs’s offer.

He’d choose her. Every time.

And then he’d find himself without money or prospects, unable to keep supporting his mother, Dina, and the charity, and he’d hate himself for it. He’d fight everyone who insulted and abused Lauren, and his foes would be legion. Endless.

He’d choose her, and then he’d lose everything but her.

“He deserves more,” she whispered, the words muffled against Sionna’s tee.

At that, her friend went still.

“Ren …” Sionna’s own chest hitched. “Sometimes I want to burn down the fucking world for what it’s done to you.”

After that, she didn’t say anything else. She just passed out tissues and rubbed circles over Lauren’s back until both of them had stopped crying.

LATER THAT DAY, Lauren attempted to stop missing Alex and distract herself from her doubts by searching for recent photos of him online.

If her logic was suspect, her fingers didn’t care. They were already clicking to open a new browser window and typing in his name and limiting the results to the past twenty-four hours, because she had to see him. She had to see his face and his expression and know he was fine. She had to know he was better off without her.