All That You Leave Behind: A Memoir(61)

I texted Sam immediately and was met with zero response. I knew firsthand the flurry of messages that come after a big-deal loss. I waited patiently for a reply, which came the next day. She described the black hole her brain was in, and I instantly exhaled, feeling her grief viscerally. I attempted to be helpful and gave her tips on getting through the next couple of weeks and mentioned my Google document surrounding the topic of loss. She perked up and asked to see it. I told her I would answer my own questions and send it over. I reminded her it was okay to not be okay, and with that she moved toward the business of death.


To: Sam M

From: Erin Lee Carr

Date: 04/02/2016

Subject: SGC





Sam,

It’s really the worst. Here are my answers to my own questions:

On books/movies—I tried reading grief books at first and just found them to be so blasé and unmanageable. Now finally able to explore the space i.e. Meghan O’Rourke, Wild, internet pieces. Silly but lite—Radical Self Love. Movies: I can’t stand sad movies, or dramas actually. I need humor in my life at the end of the day. I turn on Gilmore Girls, Sex and the City, 30 Rock. Women being funny and complicated at the same time.

On helpful/not helpful—lost a fair amount of friends. I realized I was a person who had a shit ton of acquaintances. I decided I want to pick 10 people and work on my relationships with those people. I want to have fun dates where we do/make things. I also want to prioritize people who had gone through the same sort of loss as they are easier to relate to.

On weight—I coped with food. I gained 15 pounds. I ate mac n’ cheese whenever I wanted. Oh and the pure magic that is double stuff Oreos. I was scared when I looked at myself in pictures in July, my twin tried to talk to me about it as gently as she could. I put myself on a diet in August and lost 10 pounds and it was a ton of work. I am trying to get into working out, it’s just so hard for me.

On waking up—Put something next to your bed that makes you smile. I got a fancy coffee maker that made it nice to wake up to. And flowers/plants…important for your eyes and brain to be near in my experience. I try to write a daily gratitude list. I let myself feel sad and cry if I need to.

On work—it was really hard at first. I would literally mentally black-out and not be able to focus. I took myself home the rest of the day if that was happening. Around six months, I started putting myself wholly into work and it made my life more manageable. Instead of talking about how sad I was I could talk about the work that I was doing. HBO greenlit me to direct a movie, I was hired to develop a feature about the global arms industry and I was mentoring at CUNY. It was a hustle and I felt so tired at the end of the day. I think my anxiety/stress spiked during that time but keeping busy was important for me.

On wine—total non-starter due to my genetic predisposition. I used wine and it used me back. Awful. Had to give up. I drank on the six months anniversary and cried for like six hours straight. Felt totally gothic. I had my last drink August 23, 2015. I have been sober ever since.

On what to tell myself—I was gifted with a wonderful dad who told me over and over how much he loved me. So many people do not get that. Yes, we want more time but I, right now at this moment feel gratitude for what I had. Also: people die in wars and tragic horrifying accidents. My dad was not healthy, he drank and drugged for years, got sober but then smoked ~48 cigarettes a day. He also died the way he would have wanted, not a struggle or a diminishment of his mental facilities. He died with grace and dignity and on top of his game, at the Times, a place he adored. Sort of a mic drop, really.

On writing—it helps me. It’s painful, earnest work. I think he would approve.

On other humans and their parents—I draw very strict boundaries as we discussed. I don’t want to hear about your parents unless I ask. I reserve the right to leave the room. I feel triggered around holidays. I don’t know if I will always be able to be direct. It feels like people are giving me a “pass” right now but that won’t hold up forever. I feel concerned about that but try not to worry.

Best, E



I reviewed my responses. They were brusque and yet honest. In this moment, I felt the uniqueness of the situation drift away from me. I was one of many, trying to determine the next right step. I knew that attempting to help other people was meaningful work, and I would continue as best as I could muster. No more unfollowing.





34


    A Glacier First Melts at the Edges





My dad was asked by the Alaska Press Club to speak at their 2015 annual conference, discussing reporting and the civic good it presents. Sadly, he didn’t live long enough to attend the gig. The next year the organization asked me to speak about my process of filmmaking. While I had reservations—would they think I was a cheap imitation of the real thing?—I said yes. He would have wanted me to, right?

I couldn’t email him about the invitation to go to Alaska. He was gone. Also gone were our phone calls, Gchats, the ever-useful feedback, and the plotting of our next moves.

I insisted on heading to the airport from Jasper’s house rather than my apartment because traveling made me anxious, and I liked to be by our dog Gary’s side as long as possible. Gary knew how to spoon and was just about the best thing I had going on in my life. He eyed me dolefully, knowing that the suitcase meant the lady who sneaked him human food was going somewhere. I asked Jasper if I could practice my talk in front of him. He was sitting at his computer, lost in the AV Club, and heard me but only slightly.