All That She Can See(70)

‘So these three are what you can see when you look at me?’ Chase said. He was sat in the opposite corner to Cherry but he didn’t look at her. Instead he was watching the darkness intently where three pairs of glowing eyes were staring back. Frustration, Mischief and Cynicism were standing in a row, holding hands.

‘You can see them?’ Cherry said.

Chase nodded once. ‘Thanks to our friends here at the Guild, I’m not entirely in control of what I do or don’t see any more.’ Chase gestured to the mirrors.

‘Realisation,’ Cherry murmured. ‘Chase, I think… I think they’re real. They’ve made your Meddlums… real. They’ve given them form so they’re visible to everyone.’ Cherry remembered what she’d seen on the screen in the examination room and she was filled with trepidation. She knew what was coming next.

‘How can you see past them? They’re… monsters. I’m a monster,’ Chase whispered.

‘What do you mean? They’re… they’re Meddlums. They’re the worst parts of ourselves. Every bad thing we ever feel manifests itself in them but they aren’t us. They don’t have to define us.’

‘No, Cherry. Monsters like these could only belong to a monster,’ Chase spat out, taking a step towards his three vices. They shuffled backwards.

‘Do you really believe that?’ Cherry stood shakily.

‘You don’t?’ Chase said, finally looking at her.

‘I think it’s time you met someone.’ Cherry walked towards Chase but she looked past him, past Frustration, Mischief and Cynicism and into a pair of eyes that were barely visible in the dim light of the room. Its fur was so dark that it had been hidden well until Cherry beckoned to it. The red strings attached to her arms tightened as Loneliness stood. Most of the time it was hunched so it could look Cherry in the eyes but now as it straightened up properly, Cherry could see it was at least seven feet tall. Since Chase had been around, Loneliness hadn’t been in the best shape so clumps of fur were missing, its claws were chipped and its eyes were bloodshot and yellow.

‘What is that thing?’ Chase backed away from Cherry and her Meddlum and pressed his back into the wall.

‘This is Loneliness. My lifelong companion.’

‘It’s… oh God, Cherry, it’s hideous.’ He looked horrified.

‘I know, Chase.’ Cherry turned back to Loneliness who reached out and held her hand. Its scaly hands were cold and clammy and twice the size of hers but even so, it wrapped both of them around her palm and squeezed. ‘But it’s mine.’

‘How have you lived your whole life, knowing it’s there, lurking behind you? How have you never tried to get rid of it?’ Chase slid down the wall until he was sitting on the floor.

‘I have. You know I have. It’s not as easy as it looks. You can’t switch your emotions on and off like a light and when you’ve grown up with… this…’ She pointed at her eyes, ‘with what we can do, you don’t end up with many friends. My dad left when I was a kid and then my other dad died and… I didn’t have a lot of people to love and care for, okay? But Loneliness has followed me everywhere I go. There have been times when it’s shrunk and there have been times it’s been ten feet tall and it’s blocked out the sun, but don’t you see? If Loneliness hadn’t always been there, reminding me of everything I didn’t have, I wouldn’t appreciate having you in my life half as much as I do.’ Several tears spilled over and Loneliness caught them on its finger and wiped them on its fur. Cherry moved over to Chase and crouched next to him, bundling up her attachments to Loneliness and putting them in her lap, careful not to entangle them with Chase’s. ‘As much as you hate it, they are yours.’ Cherry looked over at Frustration yanking Mischief and Cynicism into itself to create a creepy family portrait. ‘You have to take the bad with the good, and the bad make you grateful for the good you have in your life. They don’t make you a monster. You’re a good man, Chase. You can work to make them smaller or you can wallow in this self-pity, but either way,’ she lowered her voice and turned her head away from the mirror, ‘we have to get out of here.’ She took Chase’s hand, stood and gave him a tug but he didn’t move. ‘Chase… come on.’

‘I don’t think I want to leave just yet,’ he said, looking at the floor.

‘What? Chase, what are you talking about?’

‘It might help, what they do here might help me… get rid of them.’

‘Chase, no!’ Cherry grabbed his hands urgently. ‘This place is… evil. There’s no good here. They don’t care about you, about me. They literally sever you from your feelings. I watched a woman almost claw her body to shreds because of the pain of it all. This won’t help. It will make you less… you.’

‘But how do you really know that? It might not be that bad.’

‘Chase… you’re scaring me now.’ Cherry crouched back by his side, desperation settling over her.

‘If someone wants to stop feeling frustrated or cynical, why shouldn’t there be a place they can go? What if someone’s constantly feeling bitter and defeated and they can’t help taking it out on the world? Why shouldn’t they have the choice to be free of that?’