Addicted After All (Addicted #3)(112)

His hand drops off me, and he shakes his head. “No you don’t.”

A weight builds on my chest. And I have to ask. I can’t just guess anymore. “Am I a liability to you?” I clench my teeth hard, suppressing everything that threatens to overflow.

“Yes,” he says truthfully.

I nod a couple times, letting this fact sink in. “Have you manipulated me?”

He twists his watch on his wrist, his gaze falling to the ground in thought before flitting back to me. “I can tell what people need, and I—”

“Stop,” I choke out. I don’t want to hear him explain. That he pretended to be my friend. He used me. “All you have to say is yes or no.”

“It’s not that simple,” he tells me, a tremor in his usually brick-walled voice.

“It is!” I shout at him. I point at my chest. “You either f*cking played me or you didn’t!”

“I love you,” he refutes, his gaze daggered on me.

It takes me aback. Because Connor has admitted to only loving himself. To then loving Rose. No one else. But I know this isn’t sexual or romantic. It’s the kind of love that I have for my brother. The kind that Rose has for her sisters.

He grimaces like the fact is hard for him to accept. “Lo, I don’t…love many people. But there is no manipulation in what I feel for you. The truth is, I gave you what I thought you needed, affection and praise, but I had no motives for it. I didn’t use you for anything.”

I open my mouth to speak, but he raises his hand quickly.

“Wait, let me finish.” His Adam’s apple bobs. “You’re my liability because I love you. The night you relapsed, I thought you were going to die.” He pauses. “…and that fact nearly crippled me. I couldn’t even drive, Lo.” He shakes his head like he doesn’t want to imagine that night. “I care about you, what happens to you, and it’s a weakness any way I look at it. Like your father once asked, what do I get out of it? I told him the truth. I get your friendship. That’s all I want.”

I process his words. I didn’t think he cared about me like that. In the back of my mind, I really believed that he endured my personality because of my status and my connection to the Calloways. I’ve tried to be okay with it.

Even after years, it seemed like I gave him more of myself than he ever gave me. He’s seen me at some brutal lows, and I’ve never seen him flinch. Except maybe right now. It’s like he took off some of his armor for me, just to say that he loves me.

It’s honesty that I needed. I feel like I can breathe more easily, knowing from Connor, not from Rose, that our friendship is real.

I meet his eyes. “Most people can’t stand me, you know.”

He laughs into a million-dollar grin. “And most people can’t take all of me. I’ve realized that the people who can are the ones I love deeply.”

“Is this all of you?” I ask him.

He nods. “Yes. Mostly.”

“Mostly?”

“I can’t always express myself the way that you want to see…” he trails off.

Anger, I realize. He won’t let me see his. Not to the degree that it can reach. “Okay,” I say. “Okay.” I exhale a strained breath and then freeze as a thought hits me cold. “You mentioned my dad…does he know?” I frown, my brows pinching.

“I’ve been fighting with Jonathan because he thinks I’m toying with your emotions. He found out that I’ve slept with a guy before. Years ago, no one you would know. Just a friend of a friend…” Connor trails off, loosening his tie.

I’m sure my dad thinks Connor is coming onto me or something stupid. It’s not like that. But after the video in Mexico where we kissed… “Shit.” I pinch the bridge of my nose.

“He’s just protecting you,” Connor says. “And his way of doing that is by telling me to put a considerable amount of distance between us. With the threat of or else. I’m not frightened by his open-ended warning, just annoyed that it exists at all.”

My hand falls to my side. “I’ll talk to my dad—”

“No,” Connor forces the word.

“My dad loves me,” I retort. “I can help.”

“You’ll make it worse,” he says. “If you go to your father and tell him to stop threatening me, he’s going to think that I manipulated you to say it. Think about this, Lo. I could have brought you in this library, told you that I care so deeply for you, just so you can turn around and get him to do what I want. That’s not what this has been about today. Just forget it and let me handle it.”

I blow out a strained breath, my last one. “Okay.” I’m basically throwing up my hands, but I know he’s right. I can’t do anything to help him fix this mess. “Is our friendship really worth it to you?” I ask. It seems like there’s not a lot of positives in it for him.

He doesn’t even hesitate. “Yes.” He adds, “I’ve never met a problem that I can’t solve. Your worry is better placed on Lily.”

I nod. He’s right about that too. “Can you promise me one thing?”

“What?” he asks.

“Next time, tell me if one of my jokes sucks ass.” I smile. “Like really blows.”