A Mother's Reckoning: Living in the Aftermath of Tragedy(101)

Many thanks go to Dave Cullen for talking with me about his research on the Columbine tragedy, and for helping me recount specifics of the incident. He generously searched through piles of material to fact-check references when I needed his help with accuracy.

For pointing me in the right direction when I began my research, and for reading the finished manuscript to offer input and recommendations, I thank Dr. Christine Moutier, Chief Medical Officer, and Robert Gebbia, Chief Executive Officer, with the American Foundation of Suicide Prevention (AFSP). Their willingness to share their expertise on the topics of suicide and mental health was an invaluable contribution.

I thank many additional subject matter experts for their willingness to be interviewed, to share resources, and to connect me with others who could answer specific questions. Whether or not their research related directly to the Columbine tragedy, all of these individuals helped me understand the complexities of brain health and the challenges of trying to prevent violence toward self or others. By making themselves available, they provided answers to some of the mysteries I had been struggling to comprehend for years. Many thanks go to Dr. Victoria Arango, Dr. Brad Bushman, Dr. Dewey Cornell, Dr. Dwayne Fuselier, Dr. Sidra Goldman-Mellor, Dr. James Hawdon, Dr. Thomas Joiner, Dr. Kent Kiehl, Dr. Peter Langman, Dr. Adam Lankford, Dr. J. Reid Meloy, Dr. Terrie Moffit, Dr. Katherine Newman, Dr. Debra Niehoff, Dr. Matthew Nock, Dr. Frank Ochberg, Dr. Mary Ellen O’Toole, Dr. Adrian Raine, Dr. Marisa Randazzo, and Dr. Jeremy Richman. I am also grateful to Dr. Marguerite Moritz and Dr. Zeynep Tufecki for their input on the importance of appropriate media response to high-profile incidents of violence.

Many thanks go to my attorneys, Gary Lozow and Frank Patterson, not only for their ongoing care during the harrowing years after the tragedy, but also for allowing me to interview them for the book. Our conversations helped me recount some of the legal aspects of what we had endured together.

I am deeply grateful to Nate for being a dear friend to Dylan, and for continuing to be Dylan’s friend and ours in the years since Dylan’s death. He made it possible for me to vicariously enjoy many of the happy times they shared. For Nate’s willingness to relive the past with me, and for his desire to do whatever he could to help with the book, I am truly thankful.

With humble gratitude, I thank many dear friends, neighbors, colleagues, and fellow survivors of suicide loss for their ongoing kindness and support. There are too many individuals and too many instances to cite, but in myriad ways, they gave me the sustenance to keep going when I didn’t think I could.

I thank my brother and sister for shoring me up and watching over me like angels during a long and difficult journey. The constancy of their devotion is the wind beneath my wings.

Finally, and most important, I thank Byron and Tom for not opposing or hindering my efforts to publish, despite their discomfort with the idea. Though they both made it clear that they did not want to churn up difficult memories, sacrifice their privacy, or focus on a time in their lives they would rather forget, they honored my determination to do what I felt was necessary. For this I will always be grateful. I thank them both for their love, courage, and understanding.

Byron, your love and support are the greatest blessings in my life. Without them, I would not have had the strength to write this book. And Tom, I will always treasure our friendship, which has weathered so much and will always endure.