A Mother's Reckoning: Living in the Aftermath of Tragedy(100)

I loved to make a cup of tea and sit quietly beside him, watching his hands moving as quickly as hummingbirds, delighted to see Dylan turn a square of paper into a frog or a bear or a lobster. I’d always marvel at how something as straightforward as a piece of paper can be completely transformed with only a few creases, to become suddenly replete with new significance. Then I’d marvel at the finished form, the complex folds hidden and unknowable to me.

In many ways, that experience mirrored the one I would have after Columbine. I would have to turn what I thought I knew about myself, my son, and my family inside out and around, watching as a boy became a monster, and then a boy again.

Origami is not magic. Even the most complex pattern is knowable, something that can be mapped and understood. So it is, too, with brain illness and violence, and this mapping is the work we must now do. Depression and other types of brain disorders do not strip someone of a moral compass, and yet these are potentially life-threatening diseases that can impair judgment and distort a person’s sense of reality. We must turn our attention to researching and raising awareness about these diseases—and to dispelling the myths that prevent us from helping those who most need it. We must do so, not only for the sake of the afflicted, but also for the innocents who will continue to register as their casualties if we do not.

One thing is certain: when we can do a better job of helping people before their lives are in crisis, the world will become safer for all of us.





ACKNOWLEDGMENTS


I would not have been able to complete this book without Laura Tucker. Hundreds of pages of writing and thousands of hours of heartache might have died with me had Laura not transformed them into a publishable manuscript. During the years we have worked together, Laura has been much more to me than a writer. She has been midwife, therapist, surgeon, researcher, architect, navigator, workforce, spirit guide, and friend. She was both mortar and mason, completely responsible for turning a pile of broken bricks into a solid structure. Until we teamed up, I was mired in problems that seemed unsolvable. How could I tell a story effectively when readers already knew the ending? How could I explain real-time experience when critical information about facts was learned later? How could I craft my voice when I started out as one person and ended up as someone else? Laura solved these and countless other problems. She has an uncanny ability to weave disparate incidents into threads of logic. She knew how to mine for detail and when to abandon it. I was continuously stunned by her sensitivity to nuance and her ability to hear what lay in the silence between words. Having the opportunity to work with Laura has enriched my life. I will always be grateful that she had the fortitude to undertake a book with such painful subject matter and “walk the walk” with me—even when it was difficult for both of us. I am, and will always be, in awe of her skills and deeply indebted to her.

My agent, Laurie Bernstein, from Side by Side Literary Productions, Inc., found me to ask if I might want to publish a book at a time when I was trying to find the right literary agent for the book I was writing. Her appearance on the scene was eerily prescient. After our first conversation, I knew that Laurie was the right person to safeguard my interests and help me realize my vision. To that end she assumed more roles than I can name. But I am especially grateful for her vision and guidance in helping develop a book proposal that made such a difference in all that would follow, and for steering me to Laura and to Crown Publishers. She’s my champion and defender, and I thank her for her hard work and deft hand throughout the writing and publication process.

I thank Andrew Solomon for so many things. Before we met, I heard him speak at a mental health event in Denver and was so inspired by his message that I immediately purchased and read his book The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression. When Andrew later asked if he could interview Tom and me for a book that would eventually become Far From the Tree, I didn’t hesitate to accept the offer (and encourage Tom to participate). In the years that followed, I have appreciated every moment spent with Andrew, not only because he is witty, articulate, sensitive, and brilliant, but because he has encouraged and supported my desire to publish from the moment we met. He read not only excerpts but complete drafts of my manuscript at various stages in its development. His comments were invaluable. And ultimately, I am grateful for his willingness to join me at the finish line by contributing the Introduction to this book. I am very honored to know him and perpetually grateful for his generosity.

My appreciation for my partners at Crown Publishers could fill pages. I thank this extraordinary team for gently walking me along the path to publication. There is not space to list everyone by name, but I am sincerely grateful to everyone who contributed their excellence and support. Special thanks go to my editor, Roger Scholl, for his superb editorial eye, his great sensitivity, and his willingness to champion this book from day one. Thanks also to his wonderful assistant, Dannalie Diaz. Publisher Molly Stern’s brilliance and heartfelt enthusiasm for the project and its mission have been breathtaking. My publicity team far exceeded any hopes I could have had for the experience of publishing. Working with Deputy Publisher David Drake, Director of Publicity Carisa Hays, and Associate Publisher Annsley Rosner has been a gift and a joy. I hope they know how grateful I am for their guidance and friendship. Thank you as well to Assistant Marketing Director Sarah Pekdemir. And many thanks to Crown Senior Production Editor Terry Deal, copy editor Lawrence Krauser, Director of Interior Design Elizabeth Rendfleisch, to Creative Director Chris Brand for designing the extraordinary cover for A Mother’s Reckoning, and to Subrights Director Lance Fitzgerald, for expanding the book’s reach around the world. And last but not least, my heartfelt thanks to Maya Mavjee, President of the Crown Publishing Group, for her faith in me and for helping me to get the message of the book out to the reading public.