A Ladder to the Sky(106)

‘Of course. That’s fine.’

‘Another time, maybe,’ I said, looking away. ‘It’s not an afternoon that I like to revisit.’

‘Time for a smoke then, if you don’t mind,’ he said, standing up, and I nodded as he made his way out of the door, glancing at Garrett and Rufus as he went. I put the beermats on top of our pints and made my way into the toilet, where I pressed one hand against the wall as I pissed. When I went back outside I ordered more drinks and sat waiting for him. Upon his return, he sat down, brushed the hair out of his eyes, and the smell of nicotine from his jacket made me sit back a little. I’ve never liked the smell of cigarettes. I had caught Daniel with them once and we’d had a rare argument when I’d pointed out how damaging it could be to him, given his asthma.

‘By the way,’ he said, finishing his pint and starting on the next one. ‘I have some good news.’

‘Oh yes?’ I asked. ‘What’s that?’

‘I got a commission to write a couple of book reviews for Time Out. I sent them a sample of my work and they offered me two novels for next month’s issues. If they’re happy with what I produce, then there’s a good chance I’ll get some more.’

‘That’s excellent news,’ I said, pleased for him. ‘Congratulations.’

‘Thanks, yeah. I’m really happy about it. It doesn’t pay much but it gets my name into print.’

‘And what have they asked you to review?’

He named a couple of authors and their new books and I nodded. ‘They’re good writers,’ I said. ‘I like both their work.’

‘So do I,’ he said. ‘That’s what worries me.’

‘Why?’ I asked.

‘Well, it would be much better if I got some bad novels to review. Preferably bad novels by famous writers. Then I could, you know, write some killer reviews. Really take them down.’

‘Make a name for yourself, you mean.’

‘Exactly.’

‘I suppose there’s nothing to stop you doing that, anyway,’ I said. ‘You don’t owe them anything.’

‘Problem is, if they get good reviews everywhere else and I write a negative one, I might just be seen as someone who didn’t fully understand the work.’

‘Or as someone with an independent mind.’

‘Perhaps. Anyway, I’m going to start reading the first one later tonight. Hopefully it will be terrible.’

‘Fingers crossed,’ I said.

I looked up as a shadow fell across our table and was alarmed to see Rufus and Garrett standing there, dreading the idea that they might want to join us.

‘Just wanted to say goodbye,’ said Rufus, setting my mind at rest. ‘We’re meeting some people for drinks at the Charlotte Street Hotel. To celebrate Garrett’s shortlisting. You’re welcome to join us if you like.’

‘Oh Lord, no,’ I said, shaking my head. ‘I can scarcely think of anything I’d enjoy less.’

He reared back in surprise, as if I’d just made an unkind remark about his mother. He pushed his glasses up his nose again – really, he ought to get them tightened – and turned to Theo, and, in a heartbeat, the smile vanished from my face when I remembered my earlier lie.

‘Rufus Shawcross,’ he said, extending a hand. ‘I published your father’s first two novels.’

Theo stared at the hand for a moment, then shook it. ‘I’m sorry?’ he asked, frowning.

‘You’re … Danny, is that right?’

Theo looked at me for a moment, but I was lost for words. There was simply nothing I could say that would not make me look ridiculous.

‘Daniel,’ said Theo, turning back to Rufus. ‘No one ever calls me Danny. At least not since I was a little boy.’

‘Daniel, then,’ he said. ‘You have a very talented father. We need him to write another book, it’s been far too long. Well, it was nice to meet you, anyway. Goodbye, Maurice.’

‘Goodbye,’ I said, watching the pair of them as they walked away and dreading the moment I would have to turn back to Theo.

‘I’m sorry about that,’ I said. ‘I don’t know what made him say such a thing. He mustn’t know … he must have just assumed …’

‘It’s fine,’ he replied. ‘When you didn’t say anything, I thought it was easier just to go with it. I wasn’t sure what you wanted me to do.’

‘I don’t think I knew myself,’ I said. ‘But thank you, anyway. It made an awkward moment almost bearable.’

‘He seemed like a bit of a twat, anyway,’ said Theo.

‘No,’ I replied quietly, shaking my head. ‘No, he’s a very decent man, really. I shouldn’t have spoken to him in the way that I did.’

At home that night, I tried to put the events of the afternoon behind me, uncertain why I had passed Theo off as my son. The more I thought about it, however, the more I felt that I hadn’t lied, at least not intentionally. When Garrett had made his vulgar assertion, I had simply said what had felt real to me in the moment.

My routine had become completely destroyed since I’d met this boy and, unusually for me, I’d picked up a bottle of whisky on my way home and sat alone in my living room, drinking glass after glass. I wanted that sensation of release, of complete surrender to the alcohol. I wanted to fall into bed and have the empty dreams that I used to enjoy. I wanted to escape my life. But drinking alone at home held little appeal and I only managed a third of the bottle before I put it away and stumbled to my bedroom.